Death, Taxes, and Other Investments

In the past 2 weeks I have spent over 4 hours on the phone with the IRS’s on-hold music. I worked on a 1099 last year, wherein I took a higher level of pay and didn’t have taxes taken out; instead, I defer the payment to a single tax payment after some standard deductions as a consultant. If you play it properly you have the tax money (and then some) stored up and ready when the bill comes due. In our case, the payment to the IRS hasn’t happened because of… well, I’m not sure. It seems like the payment was supposed to, but didn’t, go through, and then I got a letter that prompted a call. Apparently, that letter went out to a lot of people. I have yet to speak to an actual human at the IRS.

At the same time, a massive merger between AT&T and TimeWarner occurred, creating WarnerMedia. Having worked at AT&T a number of times I can honestly say it is one of the corporations that is best at treating employees with the most basic of respect to keep them from leaving. Which is too bad. Because when publicly-traded corporations are beholden to shareholders, the CEO will do a dance to perhaps make people feel good about their investments. Money rolls in. Stock price rises. Dividends are paid out. Employees grind through work to keep the machine rolling. The company makes a very public, virtue-signaling bonus payout announcement. But that’s just a small part of the story.

So what’s my problem? It’s this… Shortly after the announcement, a round of layoffs began. There was no announcement for that. It’s a year-end move AT&T, and likely other corporations, do in order to get money off the books before benefits reset. For a company that touts itself – and this is for any corporation – as wanting to grow, invest in, and care about the people who work for it, nobody is more important than the Investor. That might also be employees of the company. The workforce within, and this is also common at many corporations, is heavily augmented by consultants, contingent workers, or contractors. We do not receive the same benefits as the people who we work alongside who are full time employees. But we do the same work. And many times, from management or leadership positions.

I work for a great corporation at the moment. I’ve worked for not-great corporations. A great corporation takes care of people, inside-out. It pays taxes to the areas and nations it works in. It has jobs for people to move in to, and up to, and cuts workforce as a last resort. Yes, Capitalism has allowed me a very comfortable lifestyle while I work to pay off taxes I accrued by working in a Capitalist economy. It’s a loop I’m out of, with an anchor to cut loose instead of reeling in to drop somewhere again. There’s a point where we all have to get to a 0-balance life. Hopefully we’re alive when it happens.

 

The Value of a Village

It’s been said and published and possibly pushed off to the side, but “it takes a village to raise a child.” If you’re not sure what that entails, the basics are as follows:
1. You and your child(ren) are part of a community, like it or not.
2. You and your child(ren) will interact on a nearly daily basis with that community.
3. The community will influence, and possibly instruct you and your child(ren) on how to live in that community, like it or not.
4. If all goes well, the influence and instruction are beneficial to the mental and physiological well-being and safety of all members of the community.

This doesn’t presume that the Village is always correct in all facets of thinking, nor steered by a reasonably-moral compass. Inversely, if all (or enough) goes badly, you find yourself in a barter community ruled by vigilant, self-absorbed despots who value strict order over neighborliness.

But enough about your local HOA…

As this article is titled, yes, I am parenting your kid. “I” is me, in this case, but “I” could be any parent, or adult of influence. A teacher, perhaps. A coach, for sure. A neighbor who hires local kids to yank weeds and rake leaves for a couple sawbucks an hour, absolutely. Kevin’s mom. Shalea’s dads. Derek’s step-parents. All of us, influencing kids. We’re all in a position to be influencing the development of kids if we’re around them on a semi-regular basis. And we should be.

I’ve been around enough kids to know when they crave attention, and how they can seek it. I sit here writing this after a double playdate, siblings hosting siblings here, and half of the visiting team is a boundary pusher. Within 15 minutes of arrival, I was told by an 8 year old that my video games suck. Not long after, after educating him on a safety issue regarding the use of NERF blasters (Rule 1, No close shots), was told that I was “being a hater.” I stared at him in the face. His challenge back to me was a stare. Here’s a kid waiting to see what that will get him. Well, he gets my attention.

I took the blaster away, and reminded him that it’s okay to play a bit rough but we have to take care of each other. And that nobody hates anybody who plays by the rules. And that the next time he does it he can’t come back to the house without his parents, who will be told of his behavior afterwards. Wow. His eyes got big. Then I took out my notepad and jotted something in it. He asked what I wrote… sI truly don’t care if your kid is in my house, a playground, my yard, a flag fooball squad I’m coaching, or a touring theatrical troupe’s presentation of “Hamilton, Jr.”, disrespect is bullshit, and will be met as such.

So yes, I step in and correct what I see when I see it. If I know the kid’s name(s) I’ll address them directly. I’m not trying to overstep any other parenting; it starts inside-out and as a coach I know that external yelling can hurt the process (your kid is playing over there because they LIKE to play there, not to embarrass you, which you’re doing fine at yourself). To use a nearly tired-out phrase, I “adult” when they “kid” so everyone stays within the rules of safe play. Rough-housing is fine if all the kids are into it. But sometimes a kid is swinging a stick that is dangerously too dangerous for this particular session of Flyer’s Up, and somebody really ought to put that stick where it belongs.

For the record, Capt. Talkback has been demoted to PFC Bigmouth and is barred from the grounds until further notice. His parents were notified. And each time he asks, or is brought up as a possible invitee, I’ll remind whomever is within earshot that manners maketh playdates. Likewise, I tell other parents and adults to correct my kid’s behavior that might hurt somebody else, break rules, or worst of all, embarrass me or my wife. Kids are Kids, and I’m not trying to mitigate their natural playful (sometimes criminal) instincts, but they need to have reinforced boundaries, too. Nobody’s perfect, but a village only needs so many idiots.

Eat It! Protein Cookies

Power Cookies

          As a young boy growing up in Federal Way, I would often spend my time in the woods behind my friend’s house, riding my cobbled-together BMX-style bike up and down the trails. Jimmy and I would spend hours in our imaginations, fighting aliens and powerful villains with names like MORDOK and RYAN BRINGLEY. My bike wasn’t as fancy as some of the other kid’s bikes, because the one my dad bought me for my birthday was stolen and later trashed and recovered from a swamp behind Jimmy’s house. I had a pretty good idea who had taken it, but at 6 years old I was in no position to fight an 11 year-old and win. So if they ever hit their knee on something in the middle of the night or lose $500 at a poker game and their wife leaves them, good.

          I came up with this variation of whey protein cookies because my kids just don’t seem to get nearly enough protein in their daily intake. They’ll only eat, and we’ll only cook, so much chicken and shrimp and salmon and hand-rubbed, grass-curious red meats. Chicken nuggets can only go so far.

o   This is just a supplemental “treat” for kids. My dudes go through runs of picky eating, then back to consuming anything they can find that doesn’t smell too much like a Romanian’s [deleted, gross].

o   There’s not enough protein in these, I don’t think (didn’t get in to Doctor’s Food School), to get your kid, or you, super jacked nor ripped. Those are actually good things in the fitness world, but it’s more important to have a consistent routine of self-acceptance and moderate-to-chill exercise to keep stress down.

          I don’t use sugar in these, but I don’t judge if you want to. Brown sugar works best as it adds a little more liquid via the molasses content.

          Chocolate chips have sugar. Yes. You got me there. Alert the fitness world. Cancel my membership. I’ll be in Pseudo-foodie blogger rehab during this difficult time, please respect my privacy.

          There are 2 variations around the protein and “flours.”

o   I’ve used both Whey Protein and Vegan protein for these.

o   These aren’t Vegan cookies in either finished-state. I know there are egg substitutes for people adhering to a vegan lifestyle but no vegans appeared in my kitchen to tell me what those are, so here ya go.

o   The proteins absorb liquids differently, so the recipes are slightly different. Just go with it.

          These are pretty soft, cake-like cookies. This is because they’re not COOKIES in the classic sense. If that bothers you, you can email my customer relations department at GetAHobby@gblottpowercookies.com.

          This makes about 12 palm-sized cookies, 20 smaller cookies, or 1 gloriously-gluttonous cookie bomb.

INGREDIENTS

1.      Butter – 2/3C (softened)

a.      Or –  2/3C Coconut Oil.

b.      Reduce oven temp by 25deg, as the oil could cause burning

2.      Eggs – 2

3.      Milk/Liquid – 4Tbsp

a.      I’ve used Almond, full-fat coconut, whole milk, and heavy cream. They’re all great.

b.      I once used 2Tbsp of sour cream to see what would happen and IT WAS GREAT, so there’s an option.

4.      Vanilla – 1tsp

5.      Banana – Pureed – about 3/4C.

a.      Use a green-er banana to up the resistant starch and help the gut bugs.

b.      Applesauce can also be used, but it’s not as sweet.

6.      Stevia-blend – 2Tbsp.

a.      Pure stevia is a little “earthy” for some people. The blends of stevia work well. You can use Xylitol or similar substitutes depending on your gut tolerance (i.e. sugar alcohol-based sweeteners can cause the kind of gas only little boys find to be hilariously epic).

b.      You can add or substitute 3Tbsp sugar here. No judging.

7.      Protein powder – 2/3C.

a.      I’ve used Orgain Chocolate 95% of the time. It’s a vegan powder with a good balance of amino acids, but is a bit higher in carbs due the vegetarian sources of protein. The upside is there’s more fiber to this.

b.      Orgain also needs a little more liquid added than the whey protein.

c.       MusclePharm makes a great chocolate powder and a great cookies & cream powder, depending on if you want brownie-like cookies, or vanilla-based.

8.      Flour – 1/2C.

a.      I use Bob’s 1:1 GF flour. There are a lot of good ones, but I did find the more commercially-known the flour, the less-great the tastes. 

b.      Bean-based flours give bean-based results…

c.       I haven’t used just a nut-based flour for these, but you could. The higher fat content might cause scorching, so watch your temp and bake time.

9.      Baking Soda – 1/4tsp

10.  Salt – 1/4tsp

11.  Baking powder – 1/4tsp (optional, makes it a little fluffier)

12.  Chocolate Chips – 1/3-1/2 C

a.      Check the label for ingredients to match your dietary needs.

13.  Optional

a.      Pumpkin pie spice, cinnamon, bacon bits (yep), etc.

 

DO WORK – This is pretty much old-fashioned cookie-making from here on… The only thing to look out for is when adding the dry ingredients, the vegetarian protein and GF flour can suck up liquids pretty quickly. Have a little extra milk of your choice on hand.

          Heat oven to 350

          Mix ingredients 1-5 with a hand mixer. It might be a bit more soupy than you’re expecting. You’ll be fine. Do some air squats.

          Grab a good spatula and warm up your elbow.

o   (no, it’s not “Masquerade Night” at the neighbor’s house)

          Combine your dry ingredients in a bowl.

          Add half of your dry ingredients and keep stirring and folding.

o   You’ll know pretty quickly if you need more liquid, depending on how fast the dry stuff starts absorbing the wet.

o   Add about 1Tbsp if you need more.

o   Getting dry? With the veg powder, add more of that. It will add flavor, protein, and sweetness.

o   With whey powder, add half + half GF flour. Whey doesn’t always mix well with these other things to firm up.

o   Add the rest of the dry ingredients.

o   Add milk as needed to keep it in between cookie dough/cake batter. Thicker is better.

          Fold in however many chocolate chips you haven’t eaten.

          Take a spoonful and plop it in a coffee mug or small bowl.

o   Microwave that for about 30sec.

o   Let it cool down. Take a taste to check what you need at this point.

o   Sweeter? Sprinkle 1Tbsp of stevia.

          If you’re good widdit, get a baking sheet!

          Drop spoonfuls of dough on the sheet. You can use parchment paper or lightly grease the sheet, but a dry sheet seems to work fine.

          Keep your cookies about the size of a hockey puck.

o   They are kind of filling, which is part of the point.

Set the timer on your phone, tablet, and fitbit for 10min. Check the cookies at 10min.

Touch it. Does it spring back in the middle? TAKE THEM OUT RIGHT NOW and let them cool down.
No spring? Give it about 2min, then take them out.

Again, I tried to find something to add to a pretty healthy food map my kids travel that would add protein and the benefits of it. They don’t usually have any sugar-related behavioral swings, digestive issues (other than a good “clearing”), nor turned-up noses with these. 

 

Dad Bod, Rad Bod

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A few years ago our society had reached the pinnacle of socio-economic & educational efficiency, having fed every hungry child and guaranteed their learning proficiency to be among the highest-ranked nations in the world. So with all that extra time on our hands, somebody coined the term “Dad Bod.” 

This label was apparently vital to the zeitgeist of shape-focused American Fitness Thoughts, to help define an otherwise-undefined man-body, that was somewhere between “Elite Road Construction Worker” and “Can Handle 2+ Hours At A 78F Farmers Market.”

The Dad Bod is a body form with the following characteristics:

  • ·         Not overly-fat, like, not obese.
  • By no means thin, like, not a skinny-skinny guy.
  • ·         Muscular deposits in some areas, but not consistent from top to bottom.
  • ·         Lack of mid-sectional parallelism; a bit+a bit more of a belly.
  • ·         Bearded, or beard-curious. (see: “Lumbersexual”)
  • ·         Was likely an active athlete at some point in his life.

More Seth Rogen than Joe Rogan. (I’ve met them both and they’re awesome)
More “Parks & Rec” Chris Pratt than “everything since then” Chris Pratt. (I love Chris)

Got it? Good. Let’s move on.

So then some folks came out and said, “Yo… not so fast, Mr. Not-That-Fat! Don’t think this is healthy, or a good look for men. Guys might fall into the gray area of being ‘skinny-fat,’ or some other thing we here at Abs Equal Immortality magazine, sponsored by Supplements For Your 15% Bodyfat Fat-Ass, and Gluten-Free Goodies; The Only Online Store With 100% GF Bakery Items.” 

Wow… Okay… so…

·         I had a body I was okay with. A work in progress, always, with different intentions.

·         Some strangers with nothing to do labeled the body type I tend to carry around.

·         Some other strangers came out and told me that it’s not a body to be okay with, while side-noting they have the cure for what ails me.

·         And the feelings I had inside, the confusion, the incredulity, the “Your order of breakfast dicks is ready,” the moments of re-examining my struggles, and the anger… I had but a glimpse of how it must feel to be a woman.

No wonder women are so angry, all the shit thrown at them about their careers, looks, friends, sexuality, fashion… good lord…

I have 2 kids in elementary school. I work full time. I coach sports. I have a house to clean. I have friends to hang with. I have blogs to start writing and forget about. Sure, I could have abs and 12% bodyfat.

Or else most of everything else in my life that I love can just go on-hold until people I don’t know, nor care about, accept my body. Not that I’m not up for a challenge.

Something to ponder while I warm-up for this super-set of Goblet Squats, Bent Rows, Dips, and a ChocolateThunder Blizzard.

Coaching the Little Things, Part2

We finished up our flag football season a few weeks ago, and it was by far the most fun I have had as a new coach. I discussed what a bonehead I had been following a game, wherein I couldn’t allow more time for celebration with my Son-1. That was a big learning moment for me, just letting kids inflate and relate to their accomplishments however they like – within reason – and reinforce the positives of what got them there.

We finished 4-2-1 and #2 in our league, and that was a scrappy record to achieve. Most games are blow-outs. There are usually a couple kids on a team who are just a step faster than the other team’s fastest kid. We had 2 of those guys. And 3 other absolute scrappers who would run down anything close to them. But scoring in flag football at the kid level is from a little mis-direction and a cut-back and ZOOM, there goes #9 AGAIN.

We won a game by driving down the field in the last 3 minutes on 7 plays and scoring with 30seconds left. We tied up a game with 2 scores and stopped the other team on a long play.  We had some controversial plays against us (HEY REF, CHECK YOUR PHONE, LOOKS LIKE YOU MISSED A CALL), and since I can’t remember one going our way I am going to assume the other coaches won’t recall those plays, so… For a team of 6 & 7 year-old kids to just keep battling and going and listening to the message of “Keep working”, it was (oh boy… here come some tears…) heart-warming and encouraging to see how each player grew up and improved in 8 weeks.

We finished the season handing out medals from the league, and t-shirts I designed and made for just the team and coaches.  We then signed each other’s shirts with scribbles and pictures from the players, something more personal than the jersey and medals. The next day I talked to a player’s mom at school pick-up, and she remarked how much her son’s confidence had grown. He wanted to keep playing, working on his catching and throwing, and learning new plays. That’s really what this level is about, giving the kids an appreciation of PLAYING a game, making it FUN to play (cool plays and positive reinforcement help a lot), and reminding myself to keep it light.

Gotta renegotiate the contracts before next year, but I think we’re good. Have a meeting with the league to discuss missed calls and grade the refs, but other than that, gonna be a quiet off-season. Until soccer starts in August…

Players Play, Parents Parent, Coaches Coach and Parent

I’m coaching my oldest son’s soccer team – U08 (6-7 year olds) – for a couple of reasons. I enjoy coaching. Like anything new, I wasn’t sure if I’d do well a few years ago when I got into coaching 3 year old at T-ball.  But there are many resources on how to work with kids of all ages and abilities and attitudes.  Mostly you just have to simplify communication, make it fun for the kids with games instead of drills, and let them be kids.  Also, work on their listening skills and encourage their effort instead of their results.  So, you know, like being a parent.

It’s also extremely rare that a parent jumps right in and volunteers to coach.  We work in and out of the house, there’s laundry (daily), meals, lunches, calls, work, family, parties, LIFE, it’s all our time, all the time.  How can I possibly fit in some coaching?  Well, here’s how… Like anything else in my life, it gets a spot.  It gets about 5 hours a week, 3 for practice and games, 2 for planning practices and communicating.  5 hours.  That’s it.  I am positive I have more time for bettering my coaching self, but I’m also the General Manager and Head Coach of a Fantasy Football team, the Kirkland QuietHours, so that needs its own attention.  Volunteering is hard when you don’t realize how much time you actually have.

I waited a few weeks after the notice of the roster and email list came out.  Nobody jumped in. Part of me knew I’d probably do it, but also I’m not a soccer whiz so I just hung near the back of the room.  Then I  hopped in.  I’ll hop forward now a bit, to last Saturday’s game, a “win” over the Jets (6-2, but we don’t keep score officially), running our scoring tally to 20-6 this season.  But we have fast players and talented dribblers, so I have to just keep them passing and moving.

One of the parents behind me was yelling at their son to get more involved during the game.  It’s distracting for the player because I’m getting them in one area, and their parent is yelling at them to do something else.  So that’s where the title of this blog came from.  If you’re a parent with a kid on a team and you’re not a coach, which is to say you haven’t gone to every practice and meeting and planning session and huddle, and you haven’t taken on the efforts of:

  1. Planning 2 hours of practices a week that keep kids interested, learning, and having fun
  2. Signed up the whole team’s parents for 10 weeks of snacks after games
  3. Communicated on a weekly basis with parents as a group and individually to make sure we know when practices are happening, and if their sons are enjoying it
  4. Placed orders for uniforms, then made 2 trips to the manufacturers offices when they screwed things up
  5. Talked with the league office about weird rules and changes to those
  6. Managing 8 family schedules for the best possible practice time and location against the league’s approved fields
  7. Had a background check
  8. Taken 2 hours of coaching clinics
  9. Watch a few hours of videos to find fun games for the kids to run instead of drilling them on repetitive, boring stuff
  10. Conduct practices with 8 boys who are jumping, yelling, burping, eating boogers, drawing faces in the dirt, and being BOYS!!!
  11. Getting the kids excited to play on a day when they could be home staring at tablets or cartoons, and managing their requests for playing time on a minute-by-minute basis…

… then just yell for your player from the sidelines and let the coaches coach.  We’ve earned the right to do supercede any parent telling their kid what to do over our shoulders.  Some kids already know where to go and what to do.  Some need a little redirection. And some are just gonna need more encouragement.  Parent them and coach them off the field.  We’re gonna do the rest, with the intent that we’re having fun, getting better, working hard, and respecting each other.  If that’s not good enough, go back through those 11 items and see how many of them you’ll happily do for the sake of kids having a good experience.  If it’s less than 10, just focus on washing the uniform and bringing some allergy-friendly snacks one time.

Quitters Never Whine – Why I Let My Kids Stop Doing Everything

My youngest child has a vehement disdain for few things in life.  He’s usually got a song in his heart and hums a tune while building with LEGOs or battling with the foam LightSabers (no relation, no endorsement$) against his brother.  Nobody gets excited about the little joys of life than he does. At 4 years old, upon getting a cookie when we thought we didn’t have any, he shouted in his slightly abrasive boy-voice, “BOO-YAH! WE GOT REAL COOKIES FOR OUR FACES!”  He “gets” joy.  He lives to play, and learns a LOT while he does, usually with his older brother and the kids of-ages in between his and his brother’s (26 months older).

His disdain is saved for just a couple things.  Anything that involves slow movements with smaller kids is going to get stiff-armed.  He wants action and progress and commotion.  I get it.  He’s tried a few sports like tee-ball and soccer and karate.  When he was interested in karate he was greatly involved.  Jumping and punching and blocking.  Then he got tired of it and wouldn’t participate.

Here’s where some people say “Well take his butt out there on the mats and make him stay or there’s no cookie tonight!”  First off, thanks, that might work. Second, shut up.  Most parents try that, more than twice.  It might work.  But eventually you spend half a session goading your kid into doing something, then they MIGHT do it with no enthusiasm just for  a cookie.  And oh, you still pay full price for the session, so your bank account is the only thing getting kicked in the crotch.  So maybe there’s a correlation building between defiance, half-assed performance, and reward.  That’s not something I want my kids to understand until they get a job in Corporate Middle-Management.

This past weekend I quit, too.  I quit pushing him to do something he obviously doesn’t want to, resists attempting, and gets angry about being involved in.  I quit.  And it was glorious. Handing that oversized t-shirt back to the coach and saying “Not this year, coach. Maybe when he’s 5 or 6.  Have a good one, thanks for your effort!” was like a cloudy day after weeks of back-sweat-inducing heat.  The stress was gone, THE STRESS WAS GONE.  From all of us.  He lightened up, my wife lightened up, and we get 2 hours of our Saturdays back for the next 8 weeks.

Again, he’s not yet 5 years old.  There weren’t any teams for under-5’s when I was growing up. I wanted to play so bad by the time I was 6 that I slept in my uniform the night before any weekend game.  So if he doesn’t want to perfect his side-arm to first base, his foot placement on a basic front-kick, or changing direction mid-dribble on the pitch, THAT’S FINE. I can’t make him love any sport.  He’ll find what he wants to do and we’ll help build bridges and paths to those goals.  A wise man told me “You sometimes have to just pour the bucket out and follow the stream it creates.”  So we poured it out.  He doesn’t love soccer at 5.  That’s okay. There’s a lot of time left to get a sleeve of tattoos and learn to scream and flop when somebody gets too close to you. As long as he doesn’t embarrass me.

flopping_soccer
You gotta practice every day to get to this level of boring.

Wisdom Of The WebAge

Ah, the memes of wisdom. What was once inked onto parchment with quill and mortared bone-black in liquid by the age-scarred hands of the Stoics, the Poets, Lovers, the Timeless Thinkers… now… oh, now it resonates in 4 different colors of 3 type-faces across a photo of a (overly-fished, polluted) oceanscape, reminding us that not only is Life a Fleeting Folly, but Also, It’s Friday, Yo, So Get Thee Into Thine Drinkin’ Britches!

Confucius, Mark Twain, Albert Einstein, Shania Twain, Oprah, Dr. Phil, Maya Angelou, and so-on, all have been credited with far more than they probably actually said.  Most of them weren’t even alive when the internet was around!  So, I’m kinda updating a few bits of wisdom based on today’s society and the unwise therein, and my experiences.

Old Saying: Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about, so be kind.
New Saying:  Be kind to everyone you meet, for they are fighting a battle you know nothing about, and you don’t wanna piss ’em off if they’re off their meds.

Old Saying: Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about, so be kind.
New Saying: Everyone you meet is fighting a battle; but that doesn’t mean they’re right.

Old Saying: People might forget what you said or what you did, but they will always remember how you made them feel.

  • New Saying:  People might forget what you said or what you did, but they will always remember how you grabbed their step-mom’s ass at your dad’s retirement party.
  • New Saying:  People might forget what you said or what you did, but they will always remember that you farted at their Grandma Edie’s memorial service.
  • New Saying:  People might forget what you said or what you did, but they will always remember that you “liked” but didn’t “retweet” something they thought was genius.

More to follow after I break some stuff…

Ties That Bind

It’s been a while, I know.  Been busy but not working a day-job, which happens from time to time as a consultant.  It was a weird run of job seeking, wherein I finally made a big shift in order to get work going again.  I’ll get to that in a minute.

Perhaps it’s my age, experience, or self-acceptance – or all three and a few I haven’t thought of – but my ability to shrug off dipshittery is really robust at the moment.  From a comedy show wherein an audience member had issues with a joke I did, to a former colleague’s opinions garnering an emotionless but true response, I have found a level of “OK’ness” that I’m both enjoying and trying to maintain in a mature way.

First off, the colleague.  As a consultant, my work is usually contracted with companies for a specific rate over a stated period of time.  I was looking for a new assignment, which my firm usually had access to moreso than the average job-seeker.  Managers at companies usually need a specific skill set, wherein they’ll reach out to a consulting firm, which plays matchmaker.  But for whatever reason, I was being set-up on some dates that just weren’t clicking.  The account manager for a few of the spots had made a few weird edits to my resumé that I was unaware of, which led to some odd questions.

Skipping ahead past a bunch of dead-end interviews (2 of which were with different people who weren’t sure what position I was interviewing for), I was able to find a position with a former manager for whom I loved working.  She needed people with my skills on her team, pronto.  My colleague tried to negotiate for me, but had a barrier to entry over a few dollars difference in my rate.  My colleague told me “Well if they do things this way, you don’t want to be there.”  I responded with “I want to work, and I found this role which you just about let get away over a few dollars without us talking about it, which is unfair considering all the other lost opportunities this year.  I’m going to cement that job by tomorrow, ok?”

Don’t tell somebody what they do or don’t want.  Facts, Pros & Cons, maybe.  After a few months of wanting a paycheck and not wanting no paycheck, I wanted to work, and it was juuuuuust over this barrier of a few dollars.  Those few dollars, btw, were part of the firm’s profit margin, not mine.  And that’s where I had to say good bye to that firm.  No hard feelings there, but also a great lesson; Other people’s plans can’t prevent your progress.

So I negotiated the gig and am back to work and will be paid and miserable in no time.  WOO HOO!

Oh, and the audience member.  I did a joke about how I don’t spank my kids, because it teaches them that physical violence is an OK way to express anger, makes them feel weak, and shows them that anybody bigger than them should be allowed to treat them with disrespect, not to mention how it can cause trauma and resentment.  I was spanked as a kid, back in the 1970’s.  I did a few things to deserve some punishment, but a couple of those were brutal.  I don’t put anything negative on my parents about this; grounding me wasn’t working because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and had a pretty good talent for talking-back.  Eventually I stopped getting spanked when, one day, knowing I was about to get it, I quit being scared.  I saw the belt and that look and just started laughing.  I think I was 5 or 6.  And that was that.  After that, not having a bike to ride, or being forced to sit in front of a window and watch my friends playing was all I needed to check myself.  After that, I rarely wrecked myself.

So anyway, this thunderbitch in the audience took issue with the material.  The joke goes like this:
“My wife and I don’t spank our kids.  We don’t think physical violence is how you teach kids they were wrong and should be punished.  We’ve had a pretty aggressive pillow fight break out, but no hitting.  Plus, I found out that, in public, people FREAK OUT when you spank a kid.  Especially theirs, WOW.
Get in MY face? He was peeing down a slide, sorry you had to look up from your phone.”

The woman came up to me after my set, during the headliner’s set, and asked if I “have something against parents who spank their kids?” I said “I don’t know who does what, but I have read enough to know it doesn’t really work the way the spanker thinks it should.  And if a kid acts out violently towards other kids, then yeah, I’m gonna take issue with the parents.”
She replied with “Well, I spank my kids and they’re FINE. And I look at my phone when they’re at a play area so that I can get a little personal time.”
I asked, “How old are your kids?”

She says, “4 and 2.”

I said “OK, well, good luck with that. I wouldn’t hit a toddler for spilling something or writing on the walls or whatever, but that’s me.  I don’t hit children.”

After telling me I don’t know her life (duh) and to F off (duh), she wobbled to the restroom, then returned to tell the club owner that I was rude to her.  The club owner said “Well, tell me when you want to come back and I’ll make sure to book him that weekend.”  She was confused, I chuckled.  Life went on.

Sometimes other people’s issues are also a sore spot for them.  This woman was probably nice and a few of her neighbors weren’t totally disgusted with her, but my joke and principles still stand.  My last firm’s business model works most of the time, but for most of this year, it hadn’t.  So I cut and run. Some of Something is always better than All of Nothing.  Unless it’s getting spanked and you aren’t “into that.”

Not judging, if you are.  Some of us could use a good reddening from time to time…

 

 

A Taste of Stardom

Last weekend I performed with Jim Breuer at the Parlor Live Comedy Club in Bellevue, WA.  I’ve been lucky to get to open for comics I’ve loved and were inspired by, such as Jim Gaffigan, Nick DiPaolo, Greg Giraldo, Paul Reiser and yes, Jim Breuer. Jim’s energy is like a rock band, coming out to get the warm crowd notched-up for some hard riffs and big drums.  It was inspiring.

It was also the chance to work in front of full rooms.  Sold-out rooms, about 300 people in a space to share energy and laugh themselves damp.  Incredible.  And to be able to go up in front of a room like that and do really well (I can’t say that I “killed” because I have a certain standard for that and it’s not in an 18-minute set), and have zero nerves about it, and really enjoy the moment shows that I’m still in the right path here.  I still have moments of silence on stage, mentally working through a bit or have a planned pause, and I like that.  But this was “get in and go go go.”  Also, I was asked to work “clean,” which means, to me, nothing beyond “asshole.”

Some comedians hate that. They don’t like the constraints of language.  And I’m honestly on the side of free expression and speech.  But also, having done a lot of clean sets, and a lot of sets with more than a couple S & F-bombs, I see how vulgarity can be a crutch.  Being conscious of what you’re expressing is vital to any form of communication, which is why I try to keep my kids from saying “like” and “guess what” in the middle of sentences.  Stay engaged!

Anywho, after knocking it out for about 1,000 people last weekend, I’ll be trying to get the laughs out of 150-ish folks at an Eagles Lodge in a town better known for crystal meth than comedy fame.  Seems like the perfect place to record a demo tape for HBO, or maybe Dateline.

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