Tag: Critical Dad

Helicopter Parents & GroundPatrol Kids

There are some play areas in public places that are designed for kids around ages “Crawling well-to-4’ish.”  They’re based pretty much on a height limit, usually noted by a body-part of a cartoon animal.  “If you can suckle from this giraffe, your involvement is a gaffe!”  Some-such…  and the parents for the most part aren’t really governing the situation.  There’s always a kid who’s too tall and too weird for the joint who’s probably just on his parent’s last nerve.  That’s why there’s a Lego store.

I take our oldest guy (2.5 yrs) to a few of these places every 6-8 weeks, depending on the weather and time of day.  He likes it enough to not want to leave after 30minutes, and it tires him out, builds coordination, gives him a healthy dose of interaction, etc.  Also causes me minor panic attacks.  Usually the joint’s overrun with kids, the way it oughtta be, and a packed airspace of “Helicopter Parents.”  They act as labeled – hovering within feet of their kid’s activity, constantly voice-guiding their child like a sonar ping.  “Aiden!  Don’t hang on the lighthouse parapet.  Aiden!  Not YOU, sorry, AIDEN MAXIMUS… NO, NOT YOU, GAAAH!  Maddie go get your br… sorry, MadeLINE, go get your brother.”  Even better when one kid has 2 parents and a grandparent hovering around, 1 directing while 1 captures burgeoning narcissism and the other documents flowering misanthropy on smartphone cameras.

The worst of the Heli-parents are the Heli-Sippers. Fresh into the play area with knee-high kids running around, what better way to enjoy it than with a steaming-hot, freshly made latte in-hand?  Oh, even better, stare at your phone amidst the cacophony of Figure-8 Racing that is a toddler’s play area!

Next-worse are the asshole parents of the asshole kids stuck along the perimeter, phone-thumbing their way through social media while IN A COMPLETELY CROWDED PUBLIC SPACE.  Their kid is the one on top of the foam boat, purposely but passively giving kids the kick-back while screaming “I am the CHAM-PEE-ONNN!”  Actually, Cade-aid-maximaden, you are 9 years old and need to get your ass off the boat before I engineer a slip-off.  It’s always a boy, he’s usually got red hair or a big head, and his parents haven’t had him tested to see which chromosome caused the 11th-14th toes.

Nobody ever says anything.  Ever.  I am beginning to.  I’ve told kids who push other kids “You’re not a very nice little boy, are you?”  They don’t like that.  Or “You shouldn’t push kids, or they will push you.”  Huh, what?  Responsibility?  Accountability what?  My son doesn’t touch other kids, but he is telling them now “It’s MY turn” and they move and he says “Thank you” and then won’t go down the F’ing slide and I look like my kid’s scared of everything.

I’m not perfect, soooo far from-far-from perfect.  But I am trying to teach my oldest to stay out of other kid’s faces, no pushing, and to verbalize what he’s feeling.  Ain’t easy.  Eventually a kid from another country will not like his tone and knock him down.  Then that kid’s dad will get thrown in a garbage can.  StealthFighterDad among Helicopter Parents.  I will drill you from high above in the play area. Then I will sanitize my hands with foamitizer and get a cupcake.  Because America.

Be present.  Say something. Parent, as a verb.

5

Crosswalk to Bear

Every morning’s commute comes to an end just after a brief encounter with any number of people madly crossing streets against the signals.  Within a half-mile of the parking lot are a few encampments for transient folks, a well-attended medical clinic, and a ton of stoplights, train crossings, busways, and pond-sized potholes.  Bad timing can add 15minutes to your last half mile if you hit all the lights, allowing for plenty of inter-windshield eye contact with passersby, many of whom may not actually see you there.

Once, months ago in a fine Seattle rain and 40 degrees, 2 young men crossed against the light while I sat in my car, waiting… waiting for them to slooooowly get to the other side.  One of them turned from under his hoodie and stared at me as though I was the one who elevator-farted, and he would pocket that info to keep me honest.  Instead, I rolled my window down as they got half-way across, stopped in the rain while I yelled, “Hey guys!? It’s raining like hell out there, but take your time, I’m pretty comfortable!”  The tenacity of their responding “FUCK YOU FAGGOT” belied their otherwise calm demeanor.  You know how bros joke around…

And thus…

CROSSWALK HAIKU

I see you seething

Walk slowly and glare at me

Contrasting climates

 

Against the Rules, Light

Perpendicular to Green

I shrug off your mean

 

You glower at me

Challenge my gas pedal, sir?

You clock in nowhere

 

Take your time, Spirit

Heated breath into the cold

Mad walk so slowly?

 

Empathy given

A life chosen and pushed through

Not all is my fault

 

Why glare at me, man?

Stopped, waiting, I shrug it off

Warm podcast cocoon

0

Eat It

There’s no way I should be hiding all of the truth from people if this is going to be a readable blog, right?  Who wants to read regurgitated horse-S from a guy who sorta speaks his mind if it’s probably not going to bother people?  Truth is, if you’re bothered then I said something that hit a part of you that you’re likely not happy about. You’ll stop reading or you’ll hate me and come back out of spite.  Or you’ll agree and we can say “OK, let’s go forward.”  It’s not my intent to offend anybody – that’s just a bonus.

So about these homo’s getting married…  KIDDING, loosen up.  Every adult should be allowed to enter a legally-recognized civil union and you can call it whatever you want, as long as we’re treated equally and allowed, on our own accord, to screw it up on a case-by-case basis.

It’s my intent to share whatever I can from my personal perspectives on life, parenting, health, and work in hopes it will connect with whomever reads this, and will keep them coming back, and they’ll tell their friends.  Hopefully it will be entertaining, either from a comedy or mildly dramatic view.  But overall it’s unfair to ask for anybody’s time if this is boring and repetitive and another boring “DadBlog.”  I’ve read a few and thought how truly boring the dad’s come across, and wonder if they’re coming off like that to get laid at blogger conferences or if they really are that wussified.  I have plenty of Compromise DNA in me, but a few entries on a few other DadBlogs almost made an “innie” out of my scrotum.

Where-to from there?  How about food!?  Shouldn’t try and ride the horse through highest waters just yet.

We’re having a renaissance of toddler eating habits in our house.  With 1 toddler and 1 nurser and everybody working full-time there’s only so much time and so many hands with-which to prepare food.  Many experts (I know they are because they wrote it on a website!) about toddler eating have said to give your kid what you’re eating, and they’ll come around to it.

Let/Make them try a lot of things.  They won’t starve unless you with-hold all food from them.  As parents WE dictate to the CHILD what’s available to eat.  It doesn’t have to be dungeon gruel and the last of the ox gristle.  But if we gave in to our son’s pouting about meals every time he hit a 7 on the Grumpometer, he’d have a steady diet of cookie-rabbits and juice.  While it would ensure zero hassle at meal time,  it would probably damage my oldest boy’s physical and emotional development.  He’d be on an unhealthy path via nutrition and constant catering to his whims.  The world doesn’t work like that, we don’t work like that, so neither will meal time.

In doing so we’ve had a few shortened lunches and dinners while baby carrots were left on the plate and cries came from the booster seat.  Sometimes a single floret of broccoli designated the entire table a war-zone.  Then eventually a few berries were eaten.  Then a lot more.  Then some brown rice with chopped vegetables became a staple.  And recently the baby carrots diminished by a few by the end of the meal.  He actually lived, acted, and slept very well in the aftermath of regularly having various foodstuffs on his plate.  We usually have a starring role for a nearly-natural chicken nugget trio, a yogurt-fruit smoothie, applesauce, whole-grain pancakes, and the like.  But as a dad who has fought the weight battle my whole life I want to get good nutrition habits into my son from early on.  I can’t do that if I don’t eat healthy.  I’m not perfect – I’ve had sensuous moments with brownies and slices of pizza that I still think of when I’m hungry – but at the very least I want my boys to try all kinds of food, see what they like, then mash it up into a paste and bake it into a cookie shape so they’ll eat it, stay thin, and have a perfect life.  The end.

0

ADD’ing It Up – Alpha Brain, NOW Foods, and Hope

I may have ADD.  I’m pretty sure I can’t chalk up the numerous side-steps and half-done projects of my life to being distracted by others all the time.  Some of these loose ends are perhaps my nature, but some of them are things that, left undone, leave me worse-off.  A lack of focus, or a compulsivity to anti-work, combined with a desire to really, truly WANT to finish something is a fantastic step towards the maddening of everybody who depends on me in some way.  Like Family and Work, you know… no bigs.  New baby, longer commute, less sleep, oh yeah, recipe for success, folks.

Whatever level of ADD I have, however it’s categorized, isn’t like a form of mental illness, for me.  There’s a point of medication a “crazy” person can take that dials down the crazy to a level where they can function as a person, but perhaps not a spouse or parent or friend.  I feel for those people, having seen my own father lose a battle with dementia at too early an age.  I’m not crazy; more like my brain runs 10,000 RPM most of the time, and it’s shooting sparks and ideas and things I ought to go do, but nothing is there to put it in gear.  That’s where my new adventure comes in.  I am positive and happy that a lot of people in our lives have a cocktail of brain chemicals that are better off stirred with a little extra shot of this-‘r-that.  But that’s not where it stops, in the doctor’s office.

The past few months have been somewhat cleaner, mind-wise.  First, I was turned on to something called “Alpha Brain” via Joe Rogan’s tweets.  I’m skeptical of most things, but imagine playing a game of bumper cars with your ideas every day.  DO THIS, I’M DOING THIS RIGHT AFTER I DO THIS, BUT FIRST I’LL DO THIS AND THAT WILL BE THERE LATER… what was I going to do again?  Then just a period of unproductive screen staring.  Go into a room to get the laundry.  Clean the room.  Forget the laundry.
Seriously, this cannot be just boredom with life.  Plus there was a feeling as if I had a fog, a layer of fuzz in the middle of my head that was like the fog of a hangover without the pain.  I feel most days like my brain is holding its breath all day.  So when I saw Alpha Brain, I was willing to try anything.  Plus it’s a natural supplement.  I can’t be staunchly anti-pharma when trying to medicate myself back to normal wavelength, but I do believe that Nature holds a cure for nearly every human ailment.  And holy shit, folks, Alpha Brain is the REAL DEAL.  The fog was gone. The acuity was razor.  The 3-steps-ahead thinking was automatic.  I’m not talking “Limitless” starring Bradley “A-List Ass All Day” Cooper, but the closest I’d ever get.    I have a few Alpha Brain left for some of my more important days coming up.    $35 plus shipping.

It was a bit pricey for me to keep re-upping at the time, so I researched NOW Foods, and found 2 of their supplements close to what Alpha Brain delivered.  First, Brain Elevate, and also, True Focus.  Natural supplements, not loaded with lab-borne items.But the cocktail of BE and TF have served me very well in the past 2 months.  Most days I’ll take 2 BE and a TF in the morning with water and a cup of coffee.  There’s not only a focus but also a calmness; I’m not buzzed, I’m just There.  No panic, no mental ping-pong.  Focused and cognisant of what I’m supposed to do.  True, this is a medicated version of me, and probably a laconic one.  But I’ve also performed comedy after “dosing,” and I’ve never felt sharper or more in-gear than those sets.  Total investment, $22 through www.Netrition.com.

So now I’m about to start trying something called Concerta, a.k.a. Methylphenidate.  Yeah, this stuff costs $153 on my Aetna plan, thanks a ton for the NoPremium/HighDeductible plan!  Concerta may help me a bit better or worse than where I am.  It may zone me out.  It may dial me in.  I don’t really know.  But for $153, it either has to work all the way or I’ll be incredibly pissed off.  This is a prime example of why BigPharma is going after supplement companies in Congress.  See the giant gap in the Supplement Price vs. Concerta?  $100 less for all-natural ingredients.  Still not sure I’m gonna go on this stuff.  I fear mostly the zombie effect that these drugs can throw into the day.  If anybody has any experience with it, lemme know.  For the most part I feel as happy and dialed-in as ever without something like this, not knowing how strong it is.

But I ain’t losing sleep over it.

10

Men’s Razors Cut Down To Size – Review

I got to the point recently where I just wasn’t shaving a lot.  It’s not like I was walking the path to indie-coffee barista town, and wasn’t planning on playing a didgeridoo at any point.  Nope, just the daily “meh” associated with shaving.  I’d clean up the neck and leave the face pretty undone for 3-5 days.  My wife wasn’t a fan, mostly of the prickliness, and sometimes because it made me act like a prick thinking I was all beardy and lumberjacky.  Honestly though, every bearded guy under the age of 50 just makes me think “bassist in shitty animal-named band.”

But I had to do something about it.  I tried a lot of razors, and after about the 4th one that I finally LOOOOOOOOOVED, the root cause was simple:

I didn’t shave because every razor I was using didn’t “do it” for me.  So here’s my take on the 4 razors I was using, and why I settled on one.

My skin type:  Fair, average (not oily, not dry), no acne, not prone to ingrown hairs.  Not a tough beard, either.
Cream/Gel:  Edge Shave Gel. I use the orange/sensitive skin type.

Razor #1: Old Spice High Endurance Razor (couldn’t find the link on the Old Spice site)
Blades: 3
Rating: 6/10  – Wouldn’t buy again, but no cuts, scarring, or danger.
Review:  Picked up a 4-bagger on sale because I’m on a budget.  $4.99 for 4 was fine by my wallet.
The handle has a weird grip to it.  Like it could flip vertical at any moment, rather unsettling when dragging a razor down the face.
After the 2nd use, I was resigned to using these razors on my back instead of my face.  At least a rock tee would hide the skin irritation.  The cut wasn’t very smooth nor complete.  After hitting a 2-day growth I felt like I was about 3pm of a 5 O’clock Shadow.  I’d use these in a pinch and threw one in my travel kit.  Still have 1 left for an emergency back shave.

Razor #2: Schick Quattro Titanium Disposables
Blades: 4
Rating: 7/10  – Would buy again but not if others are available and similar price.
Review:  More isn’t always better.  In comparison, this was a pretty good razor on a budget.  I don’t invest a lot of dough into razors because I don’t live a life of needing to be super-slick all the time.  But this was a good bag o’ cutters.  Got the hair handled, but a slight afterburn.  Skin felt tight, neck wasn’t real clean.  Didn’t do it for this fair-skinned fella.

Razor #3: Gillette Custom Plus 3 Disposable
Blades: 3
Rating: 9/10  – Good on the face and the wallet.  
Review:  Price varies on this from store to store.  BUT, this has been my go-to for a long time.  For some reason, the 2 places I had purchased it in the past weren’t stocking it for 3 months, and that’s just too long to go without.  When I can get these, I get these.  On sale, great.  If not, hey, not a bank-breaker at about $7/4.  Each one lasts about a week if you shave every day.  I don’t, so they last me about 2 weeks.
Great cut, good grip.  Neck was good, trim head got under the schnozz.  Highly recommended!

Razor #4:  Schick Hydro 5
Blades: 5 (coincidence?)
Rating: 9.5/10  – The Private Jet of store-bought razor cartridges
Review:  Having forgotten my razor on a family trip, one of these was available at the concierge desk as a sample/gift.  I love this razor.  The handle is balanced with a good grip and look.  The cartidges have a good skin gel that doesn’t go goopy after 3 shaves.  This ain’t a cheap cutter, nor are the carts, but damn if this isn’t worth it.  If you have to shave often, this is the one to go with.  Don’t ruin your face.  Do the right thing and get this razor.  Even the 3-blade version is a treat.
Only down-side is the cart is a bit too large to really clean-up under the nose.  Other than that, this thing’s the luxury car of razors.
And yes, I’ve used the Mach everythings.

So there ya go.  Enjoy trimming that beard up to a status of either “First Day on the New Job” or “Puerto Rican 3rd-Base Outline.”

 

 

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