Month: August 2013

My Two Cents: A Simple Business Lesson

This is a quick lesson about customer service and making money for people who don’t or haven’t pondered the actual importance of customers and money to their business.

My gym/fitness club has a fitness beverage/smoothie counter in it, operated by a franchise.  It’s a little overpriced but super convenient when I’m in a rush and need to pound 70g of protein and a banana and almond milk and don’t have a NutriBullet plugged in the Honda.  Which is more frequently than you may imagine. 

On the counter is a “$1” basket, where you can buy, for $1, any number of sample-sized items.  Amino acid powders to mix in your water, help you move along in the workout.  Maybe some Energy Boosters to pop before you change into your sweatpants so that when you’re about ready to do some sit-ups, you’ll feel energized… like enough energy to nakedly grapple a gawddammed rabid bear BECAUSE THOSE PILLS HAVE ONE GEAR AND IT’S GONNA HAPPEN WHETHER OR NOT YOU’RE ON THE ELLIPTICAL AND YOU’RE GONNA FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE A CHAINSAW DICK, CAPTAIN KHAKIPANTS…Image

i pulled a packet of amino powder out the other day, it was clearly labeled “FOR INTRA-WORKOUT FOCUS AND ENERGY – NOT LABELED FOR RESALE”.  But I don’t care, it’s a dollar, and I had a $1 bill on me and I needed workout focus and energy, labeling be damned.

The gal working the counter rings me up… $1.08
Sorry, what?  8 cents over a dollar?  Taxed on an item you’re not supposed to be selling?  I just look at her and say, “Oh, I don’t have any change, can we just do the dollar?” 
She’s like “Umm, sorry, it won’t let me.”  SO HERE’S THE LESSON

I said, “Ah, ok.  Sorry, I don’t have any change.”  No sale.  Not then.  Not in the future.
You either make a dollar on a free item, or you lose a dollar on a free item due to 8 pennies worth of misprogramming.  And hopefully hear the message:
Getting some of something you need is always better than getting all of nothing.

I had this issue with a local vacuum & sewing machine repair shop, too.  We were given a very nice, ridiculously powerful vacuum cleaner that takes special bags we usually have to order online.  A local business sells them for $22.99 for 6, so you can see how many ways this vacuum sucks.  Online we can get them for $17 + $3 shipping.  We walked into the local brick & mortar and said “Hey, we have $20 for these bags.”
The lady behind the counter with enough time on her hands to barely look up from her magazine said “Hmm, those are $23, though.” 
“Yeah, but we don’t have the $3, I have cash ready to buy one of these 7 packs, can we do $20?”

She looked at us with distrust, like we’re trying to pull a fast one on her.  Well, nobody gets one over on this gal.  Nope.  No dice.  Wouldn’t budge.  Also, wouldn’t be adding any money from us, then or in the future, into her till. 

The customer doesn’t always have to be RIGHT.  But you have to have a customer in the store before you can even have a discussion with them, let alone build the relationship, appreciate their business, and try to upsell them on a real nice Dyson you just repaired. 

If you run a business and have a set price for something, remember that price is what you HOPE the customer will pay for the item.  Why stop there?  Why not sell 1 pair of over-embossed sweatpants for $180, instead of 6 pairs at $50?  Less work for you, right?  I’m not saying you should haggle over every little item you want to buy; it’s not a garage sale, it’s a place of business.  But don’t let 8% cost you 100%.  Do the right thing. 

Oh, and have some food samples out. 

0

A Theory On Conspiracies

I don’t fully accept that every crowd-involved moment in society is merely an act of nature’s will, moving us in the direction a Critical Mass event dictates.  We don’t get swept up in a riot, we get into the crowd we KNOW will riot, and do nothing to get out.  Nor do I fully believe that socially-impacting events (like Egypt’s tragic killings, the Boston Marathon bombing, or the Teen Choice Awards) are engineered, or even have their proverbial balls started a-rolling, by some cabal, klatsch, triumvirate, or shadow improv troupe.  America’s ability to gather and gung-ho for a cause is incredible, but we’d like to leave the tear gas and face-shooting to the thugs.

What I do believe is that much of what human societies react to are Fear, Oppression, Despair, and Threat.  When I hear gun-nuts (and I’m not talking gun owners, I’m talking bottom-rung Doomsday Preppers with half-finished escape tunnels in their garage) bemoan gun control, I want to remind them that if a military force DOES decide to come for those guns, they will in fact wrest it from those cold, dead, dirty, masturbating hands.  And that those hands will be deadened by either a sniper’s bullet or a drone strike, not by a 19 year-old Pfc knocking at the trailer door.  So when a threat is made evident, and fear washes in, and violence results, I believe there are groups who take a very keen interest in seeing the nature of the ripples in the pond.  A conspiracy theorist I know, who is also a great guy but totally and understandably anti-social (not asocial, he’s truly anti-American-society after his brother’s war-ravaged mind left him suicidal and addicted to drugs, and a few divorces) once told me why he believes that a cabal’s puppet-strings can be found in the periphery of such moments.

His theory is that the groups are always experimenting not only with what drives humans, and groups of humans, to rebel or react, but HOW they do it, the success rate, and if it’s conceptually transferable to a military act FOR the people.  That is, how can a military application come from crowd-sourced videos and tips from the Boston Marathon bombing, wherein cell phones and street cameras and TV footage and facial recognition software helped identify the suspects?  That seems to also allow for people to either take the military side to happily send images for review, or a conspiratorial air of wondering who among us is spying within? Big Brother is watching Step Brother watching Little Brother…

A woman recently walked in to a local grocery store and caused a full evacuation and bomb squad involvement.  She’s getting a mental evaluation. Her backpack was void of anything harmful.  19 years old… Hmmmm….  Did she think this up herself, to gain attention and power?  Did somebody pay her to walk in and do this to see what happens?  Where is she now?  This is worth following.

Somebody keeps taking nips off my Half-&-Half in the work fridge, so I’ll have to lace it with something to see who passes out or powerdumps at their desk.  I want to believe, that people are good, but man, sometimes people just really let ya down.  And I wonder what it would take for Americans, tax-hating, vacation-paid, partial-benefits-loving Americans to fill the streets with shouts and raised fists.  So far it’s just WTO and pro-sports championships. 

0

The Hairs Of My Chinny-Chin-Chin and neck and shoulders sometimes

Guys… seriously….

Dollar Shave Club.
I know, I reviewed razors before.  I did that before I knew of Dollar Shave Club.

I got signed up this year as part of my Father’s Day Gift Bag, which included some DSC’s “Dr. Carver’s Shave Butter“ (it’s not butter, it’s better, it’s boss), and some “One Wipe Charlies,” the Butt-wipe For Men (it’s a butt-wipe, it’s better than a hand towel).  I am set up for the cut-down of my face hair.  Hell, I’ll go  to the back of my neck and shoulder area, probably even my fundercarriage with this blade sitch.

THESE BLADES DON’T CARE WHERE THE HAIR STARTED, IT’S ABOUT TO BE DEPARTED (just came up with that COPYRIGHT TRADEMARK HASHTAGMAKINGMONEY)

Using “The Executive” blade (6 of ’em!) I’ve found shaving to be a somewhat sublime experience.  For $9 a month (compared to the $15 most Luxurious Blades go for at your drug’s store sans coupon) I get 4 blades.  Auto-sent and auto-billed, and YES, you can ratchet-back the frequency if you’re like me and don’t shave every day because you’re almost 40 and wanna show the world you’ve got Edge, man, you’ve got moxie!

And it’s smoooth.  The blades + butter confluence produces an easy-glide hair removal process so easy I’m almost convinced I’m doing it wrong.  But I’m NOT.
So, YES, get your facial hair under a slather of Dr. Carver’s Shave Butter, buy-load-and-go with the blade of your choice, and when you’re done horsing-out a stillborn food-baby, go dry-wipe, ONE WIPE CHARLIE, dry-wipe and get on with your day.

Also, give ’em your business because they have fantastically funny promotional videos.

Shit, Butt-shower, Shave;  DOLLAR SHAVE CLUB

(Dollar Shave Club has not and probably will not pay me for this critique, but I’m still using their products any way I see fit on my face, shoulders and fundle)

0

More Room In The Locker Room

When trying to figure out if you have an untreated brain tumor, see if you choose the locker right next to the only other locked locker in a 30-locker bay. If so, YES, your brain is being eaten by a mushroom, you bun hole.

0

The “Ray/Lee” Files IX; This Is Real

Sadly, another human smudge with the middle name of Lee has been implicated in a heinous crime.  The crime is sad, the middle name, however, stands as a harbinger of morbidity.

“A California Amber Alert was expanded to Oregon and Washington as authorities search for James Lee DiMaggio, 40, who is believed to have kidnapped 16-year-old Hannah Anderson. DiMaggio is believed to be driving a blue 2013 Nissan Versa with California plate 6WCU986.”

I hope it’s not all true, the death of a young boy and the abduction of the girl.  But folks, please keep track of this stuff.  If you meet somebody with the middle name of Lee or Ray

1

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started