Driving Home Your Message

Drivers are more distracted than ever. It’s the phones. The mobile phone is present in most of our cars. If you’re reading this you likely have a mobile device. These aren’t just phones any more. That little case is 98% entertainment/communication/organization device, and 2% phone. And because enough people focus too much attention on their phones and not on their driving, traffic fatalities are up over the past few years. I say “enough” people because I’ve seen it too often to know we have “enough,” which, if you need it quantified, is at least 5% of the drivers on the roads. A recent study showed 20% OF PEOPLE REGULARLY WRITE AND SEND TEXT MESSAGES WHILE DRIVING.

I commute about 35 miles, round-trip, in some heavy traffic on a daily basis. I rarely go more than 50 yards without seeing the tell-tale signs of a distracted driver. Where most folks are packed in close to the cars around them, there’s maybe a 5-10 car-length opening in front of a car. As I pass it I see the driver, usually a young woman (sorry, could be an old woman, too) with her eyes cast downward, away from the road for 2-5 seconds. That’s a lot on the highway. Guys do it, too. Glancing down even if their phone is up near their early-20’s face. Then they glance up, and right back down to their lap or thereabouts. Something must be verrry important.

Imagine you’re driving a reasonable 35mph. Close your eyes and count “1-Mississippi, 2-Mississippi.” Open them for 1 second, close them again and count. That’s about what I’ve seen people doing while behind the wheel of a car. Driving and not causing an accident and catching on fire and not making it to work for bagel day apparently isn’t enough motivation. Whatever is happening on that phone – UFO Landing? Bigfoot visiting St. Jude’s? STREAMING VIDEO OF THEIR CHILD’S BIRTH ON A SPACESTATION, right? – has taken precedent over the safety of everybody else on the roads, including their own. And we don’t have the right to endanger other people. And the age ranges of the perpetrators vary wildly , so we’re all to blame.

I’ve also seen this on surface streets. Last year I was pushing a stroller fully-loaded with a ready-to-run toddler up to a crosswalk. No light or stop sign for cross traffic, the pedestrian just grabs a flag to help identify themselves. The far lane, crossing right-to-left, stopped. As I looked at the curb lane closest to me, a car about 50 feet away going about 30mph was driven by a woman who’s face was aimed lap-ward, about 6 cars following her. She glanced up over the top of her sunglasses then right back to her lap. Never slowed down. As she passed I shouted “HEY” through her open passenger window and got her attention. Abruptly. Of course she snapped-to and gave me a dirty look and hand-wave from her car. God-forbid I distract this driver! The car behind her had slowed to a stop, and that driver was shaking her head. Everybody’s responsible for their own actions, and I’m not going to endanger myself or my family to prove a point. Still, that chick’s a shithead.

According to one study, drivers who are texting are 4 times slower to brake than drivers who are at the very least “impaired” by alcohol, if not legally drunk. This infographic has more interesting facts about the dangers of Texting & Driving. It also states that drivers are six times more likely to get in an accident (cause one, basically) when dialing a number.

So, make text-related traffic stops, tickets, and accidents as harshly punishable as DUIs, or even moreso. But firstly, do the right thing and put your phone down on the road, listen to podcasts, and zone out the way you used to. Eventually our cars will block all communications unless the car is turned off and sittin under an overpass. As long as a few keep doing this and aren’t openly chastised and heavily penalized (like a person can own a cell phone but no carrier can give them a plan for less than $500/month), it’ll keep happening. Be careful out there.

July 26, 2012 0

Nobody Cares, Burnout

Did a show last night for about 300 people in a large casino North of Seattle. Most everybody seemed to like me. Not everybody’s always gonna like me. Not on-stage, not on the roads, not in the aisle of a grocery store when I’m putting stuff in their unattended carts. I’m okay with that.

After my set last night, the headliner’s on-stage, and I am standing near the entrance and a guy walks out, passes me and the MC, and stops to tell the room manager “At least this guy’s (the headliner) funnier than the other two.” This is a free show, BTW. Zero fiscal commitment from the patrons. It’s all on the entertainers. Gas money. Time spent driving, etc. But apparently this guy wasn’t getting what he wanted until 5 minutes into the headliner’s act, and loved it so much, in fact, that he waited all the way through my 40min set to get up and hit the men’s room.

10 minutes later I am leaving, and the Unhappy Methadoner isn’t back yet. I bump into a group of 20-something gals who are dressed like it’s Vegas night-out, I appreciate the enthusiasm. They were in the show and thought I was “Hilarious” and “Awesome” and I think a “hella” was in there. They want a picture with me, I say “Sure” because it makes them look more attractive since I’m a mess. As we stand there waiting for a stranger to hit the button…. hit the button… just hit the red… it’s the button on the phone, here let me show you…

And here comes The Critic, strolling by our picture. All of the best critics of stand-up comedians with acts based on their microcosmic extrapolation from personal to societal ills can be spotted because they know SO MUCH about comedy and what FUNNY is, that they wear cargo shorts and socks with their tactical boots because fashion takes a backseat to breaking down joke and act structure. Guy knows his stuff. And as he walks by, we finish the picture, and the critic pauses… to say something in passing. Not even a Stop, Say It, Move On. He’s kind of walking by at the same time. And he says “You were okay, this guy’s funnier.“

My response? “Yeah? Fuck off.” That got his attention. He stopped and looked at me the way all shitdogs do, like his feelings were hurt for having had his opinion challenged. You’re free to express yourself. As am I. And that’s how I expressed MYself. He didn’t like what I had to say (contractually obligated) for 40minutes. I didn’t like what he HAD TO SAY (as if it mattered) in a split second.

The laughing reaction of a crowd of strangers tells me I did my job properly. Don’t like my act? Find something else to do IN A CASINO. If you’re at a show and hate me, you probably don’t “get me,” but that’s verrrry rare, and I barely ever intend to totally bore and offend an audience (unless I’m at the dayjob). But if you make a point to voice your negative opinion about my act, or any other comedian’s act after they had 8 applause breaks and 4 jokes with over 10seconds of laughter from 275+ people, the only punchline you’ll understand is…

Fuck off.

July 12, 2012 4

A Sandwich Too Small

George Carlin once said a lot of dirty stuff you want to scream at people writing checks at a grocery store. He also said “Women are crazy and men are stupid. But women are crazy because men are stupid.” Something like that. I often see little bits & pieces, graphics here and there taking digs at how dumb or helpless men are.

I won’t defend all men. I can’t. A lot of men are dickheads. A lot of men are also great people. Some are incredibly normal and unnervingly personable with no explicit personality issues. Some guys are complete sociopaths and should have died in a Jeep rollover a long time ago and had their organs go to save worthy lives. Some guys, however, are good Men.

They have to get up and go to work every day to keep the lights on and bills paid for their family. They do it with a song in their heart, even if somedays that song is “Necrophobic” by Slayer. And they do it because they love their family. On the way to work they burn an hour in the car. On the way home they burn 75minutes and have to go to the store to get something for dinner because the loves of his life are at home, tired, sick and haven’t had the energy to get dinner together. When he gets home he realizes he’s on patrol to get the kids bathed and in bed while his wife zones out on exhaustion and a chest cold she got from their daughter’s last play date.

Oh wait, shit… he has to iron some shirts for work, too. And fold the laundry and get another load going so the kids have stuff to wear for the rest of the week. It’s only Tuesday. The days run together. Gotta get a sitter for Saturday night, too, so he can take his wife out for anything, even for just two hours of face time. Did the bills get paid? Better check the online bill payer. Get that handled. Kid’s lunches for tomorrow, check. Kids bathed and in bed, check. Shirts ironed, check.

Oh look… it’s 11:40pm. Everybody is asleep except him, who was also up before everybody else today. And everybody is asleep. At home, in their beds, safe, and resting. A good day. Done.

And that’s part of the gig for the moment. Handling a lot of shit. And keeping schedules together. And working and making money and trying to keep Life from digging her heels in and being a bitch, instead of a dance partner.

He made the mortgage payment, car payment, insurance premium, kid’s lunches, doctor’s appointments, and read a couple stories to the kids. He didn’t put together some wet-panty plaque to post on Pinterest about how hard life is. He didn’t make a snarky Facebook update about how he’s running the show. And no, he didn’t make a sandwich.

Maybe tomorrow he’ll treat himself to a meal combo under $5 somewhere.

June 8, 2012 0

Is Consulting For You?

Consulting is nothing new to business. It’s been happening since the first caveman asked a buddy to figure out how they could get more speed on their spear-throws. They had different words for “spear” and “buddy,” of course, which we now call “product” and “peer.” So the path has been well-worn for at least 50 years. Are you thinking about walking it?

I first left a major company after realizing there was literally nowhere for my career to go. That was after seven years of skill development, great benefits, moderate pay increases, and being taken-over by a competitor. I had some skills that might keep me working there, for a bit more money, but it was up to me to get out and look for something better. Why? Because I had debt, of course! But honestly, hey, we’re working people. We are hunters, hence the “job hunt.” Hey, that’s why I’m here. Let me show you how to get more distance on that resumé, buddy.

But first, I will tell you this: It’s okay to be freaked out by looking for a new job. Instability happens, especially in competitive industries such as Mobile Telecom and Pretty Much Every Business. You don’t own your job, your desk, or your “space” until you do something that is so incredibly invaluable for the company that they wouldn’t think of letting you go. Don’t worry, it’s just The Truth of the workplace these days. Own your career, if not your desk-space. Here are a few reasons to go into Consulting and Contract work.

Playing The Odds:
Not too long ago I was in a panel interview at a wireless telecom giant, and the manager mentioned that his department (IT Planning) was around 60-70% contracted workers. You have a better chance getting placed via contract/consulting work than going through the normal methods of applying to a job via the company website. Eventually I got past my emotional attachment to the color of my badge and designation as either Full Time or Contract. I quit hinging the worth of my employment on whether or not I got to attend off-site rallies with full-timers. I got to the point where finishing work well and on-time was more important than sitting in on a 90minute catered lunch with a guest speaker. WORK TO DO. DO WORK. Get working, serve your project, deliver with style, get paid. You’re among friends.

Attitude Count$:
“Serve the Project.” I have worked with a lot of Full-Timers (FT’ers) who stand on either side of the “Innovation” fence. That is, one particular program manager I worked for was so sharp, affable, personable, and driven that we both knew his position was a step towards a much larger body of work outside the company. Also, I have sat in meetings where work is piling up and instead of assessing the approach and handling of the pile, the FT’ers leaned back and said “Oh well, I’m on vacation in 2 weeks anyway.” As a consultant my main task is doing a good job for the client; meeting and exceeding their expectations. I’m still competitive enough and have enough pride to wanna kick ass. Even if I’m not leaping out of bed every day to gather requirements like so many daffodils, flitting about the office to facilitate Change Management, and cheering up every soul regardless of their badge color, I’m there to serve the project’s needs and be paid well for it. So I do that, happily.

The Wide Walk Of Work:
So you have Analyst and Project Leadership experience? Great. In Healthcare? Awesome. And you think the only positions you can handle are in Healthcare? Not necessarily. First, embrace your niche. Healthcare is going to be HUUUUUUUUUGE in the next 20 years. Bet on it. If you can see trends in technology and how they’ll mesh with your industry’s growth you are well-ahead of most folks. Second, can you see how your experience would feed other industries? Fresh minds are needed for any industry’s growth, or at least, stability. Your transition from Healthcare experience to Mobile Computing may take a while, but really it breaks down to X’s and O’s; your skill + new terminology + credibility building = HIRED! Don’t limit yourself to only your industry of experience. I found myself in a food service company after years in wireless technology, and loved it!

Duration Variance:
You may be on a project for 2 years. More than likely it will be less than 12 months. I had a 5 month contract shortened to 2 because the department’s delivery strategy shifted. It happens. This is where being a full-timer to your company counts, and having saved that money beforehand comes in handy. Hopefully you have a bench to work from and get paid while honing a few skills before the next job. But if you’re somebody who likes to see things come together, launch, and repeat a few times… then you get a little antsy… this is a good road to walk.

Finances:
You often are making a greater hourly rate in contracting than you were as a FT’er. Why? Because you, or your firm, is charging more and it filters out a few more things like taxes. Oh, and the company you’re at isn’t investing in your 401k or Stock Options, so you make it up in cash. Never sell yourself short, and if you’re not ready to negotiate, go buy a book on negotiating. Money is a trade for your service. Try paying your mortgage with beers your pals owe you.

If you’re Independent, always get the contract in writing, and have an “early end” clause. For example, if you sign on for 8 months at $7K/month, include a clause that says “For every week less than 32 weeks the Consultant’s services are not needed, client will be paid ½ a standard week’s pay in a single payment.” This keeps you working at your full rate for the agreed-upon time, and if not, at least you’re not totally out the pay you could have been getting from the client or elsewhere. If they balk, offer to lower it to 1/3^rd, but don’t empty your pockets for the sake of courtesy. You’d rather be getting paid and helping out than pounding the keyboard and interviewing for work.

And save, save, save all you can, enough for about 3 months of expenses in case you find yourself on an unexpected vacation.

Socialize:
Social interwebbing is vital to your job search. From LinkedIn to FaceBook to Twitter, everything you put out there represents you, either as a person or a potential candidate. What does your online presence say about you? Are your strengths and experiences evident? If you aren’t savvy in it yet, well, I just Googled “job search and social media” and got over 200,000,000 results. I’ll let you know what I find in there. Get using technology as a means to an end; it’s not just what you’re working on, it’s working on you, too.

Consulting work and Contract work are going to be prevalent for quite a while. I doubt the forming of a Union to protect our interests, but if you are wondering who those people are that show up one day and start ruffling feathers, arranging work schedules, and presenting project plans… then are out before the holidays… that’s us. That’s me. We’re here to help that spear bring down bigger game. Good hunting.

April 24, 2012 0

Thomas The Tank Engine; Very Useful Engine, Kind of an Asshole

There is a toddler-sized unmitigated reverence for Rev. Awdry’s Thomas The Tank Engine stories in our home. Plenty of books. Easily 20 lineal feet of Thomas-related branded woodwork, between the train table, table top, and $12-$20 wooden trains co-habitating the living room. Most of these things have been gifted to us for Junior Mayor, Graham, who is OBSESSED with Thomas and all things Thomas. His knowledge of the various trains and their personalities isn’t far off from my professional wrestling obsessions from 1981-1991. James is his Ric Flair. Spencer is Hulk Hogan. Hiro is Ivan Putski. And Thomas, the main character, is a little shit. And now that everyone knows how important he is to our oldest son, we are nearing Thomas overload.

: Thomas The Tank Engine; Punkass Twit

Sure, the guy looks innocent. He’s blue, like between Royal and Sky. Unthreatening in appearance, the best I can tell, he’s either gutsy or train-tarded. Perhaps there’s no sense of responsibility or accountability to his other trains, nor to his “boss,” Sir Topham Hatt. But let’s ease into it.

First, Sir Topham Hatt is apparently a Knight? If you can run a rail system the way his runs itself – best I can tell, the trains ar making the Go/No-Go calls on most of their weird-ass adventures – and still receive Knighthood, the Island of Sodor is under the reign of a Monarchy rivaling the international influence malaria. His engines should all be programmed to work. But eventually, all of them turn to the worst of what should be HUMAN traits and then, oh yeah… discipline. Or not. I can’t believe we’ve gone 70 years and not a SINGLE engine was dismantled or forced to pull the open tanker of PortaPotty pumpings, just to send the other engines a message. This Hatt character’s soft. Top-down enabling. Horse shit.

Here’s an example of a typical story.
Thomas is supposed to go to Brendam Docks to pick up a Special. This means Percy and James need to take over shunting for Thomas until he gets back. They don’t like it. Thomas should get the Special, take it Maithwaite, then return right away. Percy and James are now JEALOUS. Thomas of course will just get his Special, drop it off, and chuff right on back, right?

NOPE. Because he reasons that Percy and James have it covered, so he takes a few detours, shows off his Special, which is probably a statue of Topham’s Dowager mom or some waste of funds, then returns waaaaay late. Meanwhile, James and Percy are in a rhythm, but angry, so they aren’t seeing the value in teamwork, camaraderie, and that self-awareness means life-awareness which means accepting that sometimes you’re not the Special one.

: OH LOOK WHO IS BEING PUSHED BY A REAL TRAIN!

Thomas is still out buzzing around, getting the statue to the station late. His dressing-down consists of being told to not let it happen again. He hears this at least twice a week, if not daily.

So we have a narcissistic, co-dependent, sociopathic, anthropomorphic train warring away with the Diesel engines (racism? xenophobia?), selling replicas of himself and friends for over $10 a pop. Topham Hatt’s pimping them out, reaping the rewards. Were Thomas a Crane Operator or Bike Messenger, nary an eye would watch, and we’d abhor his behavior. Then, every Summer, there’s the chance to meet a train decorated as Thomas (I’m betting it’s not free) but it won’t talk, so then I gotta have THAT discussion about lies and marketing. The weaning has begun.

Thomas can kiss my ass.

March 20, 2012 0

ADD’ing It Up – Alpha Brain, NOW Foods, and Hope

I may have ADD. I’m pretty sure I can’t chalk up the numerous side-steps and half-done projects of my life to being distracted by others all the time. Some of these loose ends are perhaps my nature, but some of them are things that, left undone, leave me worse-off. A lack of focus, or a compulsivity to anti-work, combined with a desire to really, truly WANT to finish something is a fantastic step towards the maddening of everybody who depends on me in some way. Like Family and Work, you know… no bigs. New baby, longer commute, less sleep, oh yeah, recipe for success, folks.

Whatever level of ADD I have, however it’s categorized, isn’t like a form of mental illness, for me. There’s a point of medication a “crazy” person can take that dials down the crazy to a level where they can function as a person, but perhaps not a spouse or parent or friend. I feel for those people, having seen my own father lose a battle with dementia at too early an age. I’m not crazy; more like my brain runs 10,000 RPM most of the time, and it’s shooting sparks and ideas and things I ought to go do, but nothing is there to put it in gear. That’s where my new adventure comes in. I am positive and happy that a lot of people in our lives have a cocktail of brain chemicals that are better off stirred with a little extra shot of this-‘r-that. But that’s not where it stops, in the doctor’s office.

The past few months have been somewhat cleaner, mind-wise. First, I was turned on to something called “Alpha Brain” via Joe Rogan’s tweets. I’m skeptical of most things, but imagine playing a game of bumper cars with your ideas every day. DO THIS, I’M DOING THIS RIGHT AFTER I DO THIS, BUT FIRST I’LL DO THIS AND THAT WILL BE THERE LATER… what was I going to do again? Then just a period of unproductive screen staring. Go into a room to get the laundry. Clean the room. Forget the laundry.
Seriously, this cannot be just boredom with life. Plus there was a feeling as if I had a fog, a layer of fuzz in the middle of my head that was like the fog of a hangover without the pain. I feel most days like my brain is holding its breath all day. So when I saw Alpha Brain, I was willing to try anything. Plus it’s a natural supplement. I can’t be staunchly anti-pharma when trying to medicate myself back to normal wavelength, but I do believe that Nature holds a cure for nearly every human ailment. And holy shit, folks, Alpha Brain is the REAL DEAL. The fog was gone. The acuity was razor. The 3-steps-ahead thinking was automatic. I’m not talking “Limitless” starring Bradley “A-List Ass All Day” Cooper, but the closest I’d ever get. I have a few Alpha Brain left for some of my more important days coming up. $35 plus shipping.

It was a bit pricey for me to keep re-upping at the time, so I researched NOW Foods, and found 2 of their supplements close to what Alpha Brain delivered. First, Brain Elevate, and also, True Focus. Natural supplements, not loaded with lab-borne items.But the cocktail of BE and TF have served me very well in the past 2 months. Most days I’ll take 2 BE and a TF in the morning with water and a cup of coffee. There’s not only a focus but also a calmness; I’m not buzzed, I’m just There. No panic, no mental ping-pong. Focused and cognisant of what I’m supposed to do. True, this is a medicated version of me, and probably a laconic one. But I’ve also performed comedy after “dosing,” and I’ve never felt sharper or more in-gear than those sets. Total investment, $22 through www.Netrition.com.

So now I’m about to start trying something called Concerta, a.k.a. Methylphenidate. Yeah, this stuff costs $153 on my Aetna plan, thanks a ton for the NoPremium/HighDeductible plan! Concerta may help me a bit better or worse than where I am. It may zone me out. It may dial me in. I don’t really know. But for $153, it either has to work all the way or I’ll be incredibly pissed off. This is a prime example of why BigPharma is going after supplement companies in Congress. See the giant gap in the Supplement Price vs. Concerta? $100 less for all-natural ingredients. Still not sure I’m gonna go on this stuff. I fear mostly the zombie effect that these drugs can throw into the day. If anybody has any experience with it, lemme know. For the most part I feel as happy and dialed-in as ever without something like this, not knowing how strong it is.

But I ain’t losing sleep over it.

January 8, 2012 10

A Full Stocking

There are dozens if not many movies made about the festering dysfunction that makes itself known around this time of year. Office parties where the owner’s wife gets handsy after a couple Gimlets. Stepbrother faking gay to stop the “meet a nice girl” onslaught. Moms. Condense that into 2 weeks of heated indoors, sweaters, power-drinking, and giving-induced guilt trips and VOILA, it’s the Holidays, assholes!

This year was a bit more exciting for us with 2 boys. Most notably was the influx of disease that marked the entire month of December. First-boy got double pink-eye, gave it to to New-boy. First-boy gets a cough, gives it to everybody. Mom beats it, dad beats it. Slowly roiling in New-boy, it turns to a chest cold, which is serious for a 7 week-old. Our entire holiday season was notably red with the pink of eyes, and green with the mucous of love.

So, long story shortened up, we’re spending next Christmas in a tropical place far away from everybody and especially my grandmother who can’t stop asking questions about shit nobody cares about.

December 30, 2011 0

A New Light Shines In the House of Lott

And so we welcome home Griffin Lott, born November 3, 2011.

A masculine child, a manly boy, a friggin’ adorable sweetloaf.

Stationery card

View the entire collection of cards.

November 30, 2011 0

And Baby Makes Four

With major amounts of joy and acceptable sleep, we happily announce the arrival of our second child, Griffin Lott. Born 12:35am on Nov. 3, 2011, this boy is already a very different, very special little guy than his incredibly wonderful big brother, Graham. In fact, Griffin’s 9lb 5oz bod eclipsed Graham’s first weigh-in by nearly 2 pounds. He is very different in many ways, from size to hair to sleeping… oh thank sweet-swinging Willie for the sleeping… God forbid we speak ill of our children, our PERFECT, SMART, INTUITIVE, LONG-DIVISION PROBLEM-SOLVING TODDLERS!….
but… Graham wasn’t a sleeper. That kid was constantly awake. His first 8 months go down as “The Dark Days,” where it seemed the only sleep we got was in the day when his exhaustion overcame his will to stare and bleat at us while we were nodding off. So this is obviously different. 6 straight hours felt like emerging from a divine womb. It sucked hard. It sucked hard and long.

Parents with multiple kids have mostly said the 2nd one is “easier.” We’re not dancing the New Parent Jitterbug, obsessing over every detail from room temperature to warming the post-bath lotion. We’re more relaxed so Griffin’s more relaxed, and that seems to have had an effect on Graham, too. So maybe WE are easier. Graham is as affable, outgoing, and sweet a kid as I could hope for without having some freako nerdload trying to hug everybody and endlessly doffiing his cap at the passers-by. But that’s from consistency in our discipline and steering, and as much loving rebuke as we can muster when needed. We have a better idea of how to handle almost everything, so I think the process, not the baby, is easier, and that makes us more at-ease, and holy shit do I want to catch a buzz.

So now I’m balancing work, 2 kids, searching for a new home, stand-up comedy, and recovering mommy the best I can. In other words, I’m a cornforesaken GROWN UP and nobody told me it would happen now. I’ve tried to delay it, but you can’t fight what’s inside. Learned that about Life from a wilted spinach salad. But that’s what has made this next chapter of life different and special. We’ve had a LOT of help from family (including sMother-in-Laws, Nana’s, Mimi’s, Gamma, Poppa, Poppa Don, Titi, Wywee, Gwaydy, Jepfi, and other characters), and my respect for single parents grows exponentially each day. I don’t need a medal, just a little more sleep.

The Lott Boys — YAAAAAAAAAAAAY FOR BIG BROTHERS!

November 21, 2011 0

Having a Second Baby – A Preview

My wife’s about 11months pregnant right now, and we are beyond ready for this new baby to arrive. Even while our first one is off & on crying in his room instead of SLEEPING THE HELL OUT OF THE NIGHT, we’re pretty happy about the pending arrival. In the preceding months there have been a few discussions with other parents and friends about a 2nd baby. The best way to summarize these talks is “Mostly positive but it’s okay to shut your noisehole.” It’s amazing that some people believe simply having an opinion and a voice make either of them valid in everybody else’s world.

I have seen a lot of seemingly unsolicited voicing of the sentiment “WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP PROCREATING?!” and “I don’t want a baby ever, OMG, what would I do with all the random dick walking around my apartment?!” Hey, kids force you into a role you aren’t really ever ready for, but if your heart’s in the right place, you get ready pretty quickly. In the meantime, you realize that maybe all that dick isn’t in your best interest. Sucks to have your priorities, morals, and ideals shuffled for you. Life will do it if you don’t.

As for kids in restaurants, I feel really sorry for people who hate it when a kid saunters in and makes a little ruckus. Those poor folks think they have the right to a fancy, quiet dinner at Olive Garden! Hey, money-poor assholes, save up a few more bucks and eat elsewhere or head to the bar. The parents are doing the best we can to keep that kid under control, the good ones among us leave if the kid’s losing it, and it sucks ten times as much for us. So keep your stink-eye for your doctor when they say “Hey, how about a little less dick in your life?”

Sure, there are people who do NOT want kids. Some of them already have kids. Some of them don’t want the intrusion into their life of work, school, extended adolescence, I CANNOT FUCKING CONCENTRATE WHEN DANCING WITH THE STARS IS ON, promiscuity, drunken camping, and/or Crossfitting. Other people just don’t have the drive to procreate. Why can I still hear the judge’s scores, AND getting questions about what I’m doing? Leave me alone, I’m talking about how great our life is… faaaaawk…

So here’s the deal…
We’re parents. We parent. We are a family. We aren’t hobbyists when it comes to child-rearing. We’re sold on the idea of soccer practices, sports camps, play-dates, reading books to our kids 20 times a day, and major life prioritization. That’s for us to deal with. When I hear (from a few people) “Man, we think just the 1 kid is too much,” we already know that doing it well for just 1 kid – as there’s no real “Right” way – is hard enough. But we wanted another kid.
And our 2 kids will someday replace the scores of people who don’t want kids. Hell, they’ll replace US. And when the anti-kid folks grow old and diaper-filling, I will present to my kids a list of their names, and say “Yeah, they didn’t want to add to the generation that is now alive to help them in their final days.”

All I can hope is that we’ve taught them to do the right thing and stay out of other people’s business.

October 24, 2011 1

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