Leading By Bad Example

Years ago now, when I lived in Culver City which is not Los Angeles and shouldn’t be considered as such, I worked at a Casting Services studio for a short stint. Very cool slice of entertainment, it was a multi-room casting studio that ran auditions for commercials both small and Majorly McMajor Light. Every now and then there’d be a call for a photo shoot, models… I mean, like… MAAHDULLLZ… would be in there and holy crap, there’s a different level of genetic co-mingling than what most of the world has ever seen and it’s all within a 1-hour drive of Santa Monica, CA.

I wasn’t particularly well-trained for the technical side of the studio. There were a few things I could do, but for the most part what I found was that I didn’t have the time on the system-in-use to really jockey it into position when needed. And I wanted to know that stuff because it makes ya look like a rock star when your boss needs a salad and you deliver a rolling buffet. On this particular day I may have pulled together a fruit leather-like effort. Mostly because, like I said, I was poorly prepared.

That day I was asked to consolidate 3 auditions from 3 actors from 3 sessions of 3 products. Which means they were in different files on the computers, IF the sessions had all been sent to the common server. That shouldn’t be difficult, because I know how to file and name and organize documents and resources in a technical format for logical recall and search purposes. But sweet chocolate Moses, these were spread out ever’where.

And of COURSE there’s a deadline in an hour. And of COURSE the person who wants it gave very little direction as to where it was to be delivered. And naturally, this is for 2 of the biggest accounts the casting director (who heavily influences the client/advertiser) handles. So yeah, there’s some sweat, but as I sat down I was like HELLS YEAH LET’S FIND THESE PEOPLE AND THESE BACKFLIPS AND ACTING LIKE DRINKING A BEER ON A SNOWMOBILE IS SECOND NATURE… and hand this to them at The Ivy in 72min.

No. Fucking. Chance. Impossible. The program I was using was capable of doing that. I wasn’t able to wrangle it to do so, however. I called everybody I could. The guys who created the system (who later I worked for and they are the coolest guys and I hope they stay on their up-trend, because those guys are on the casting frontier), not available as they were probably supporting another client. The guy who normally ran tech, unavailable, possibly stoned or in urgent care at that time, not very healthy for a 22 year-old. The other in-studio experts, all unavailable and off-site doing other stuff. So I’m on a deflating raft and bailing water with one hand and rowing towards shore with the other.

And here’s what didn’t help that day. One person in particular who had absolutely nothing better to do than run in and out of the studio I was in, asking “IS IT DONE? IS IT DONE? COME ON MAN, THIS IS IMPORTANT!” No. No. I know. If you’re not adding, you’re a subtraction.

I remember thinking how little I respected that guy that day. He was the Manager, and he did not have to save my ass, but what he missed was this crucial point to performing under pressure: Had he made the urgent call to get the issue handled by somebody who really knew what was going on, not only would the job get done… HE’D BE DOING HIS JOB AS WELL AS MAKING HIS BOSS LOOK LIKE A PROFESSIONAL.

Instead he took almost a bit of joy in watching me sweat through my shirt while coming in every 7minutes to complain and moan for the completion of the task. Eventually one of the real experts came by for a free beer in the comp’ny fridge and popped in to take over. Turns out one of the files wasn’t loaded to the server so I couldn’t find it anyway. And another session I needed was misnamed so it took him another 15min to find it.

It ain’t like I was SEAL-ing a mission and saving lives, I was just trying to make sure 3 actors got another look for a break in a commercial for processed cheese. But I learned that if you’re gonna lead, there are some things that are so important you just have to do them yourself. You can teach while you do it, but if you can’t teach while you do it, you can’t scold the student for not knowing more than the teacher.

Plus, that guy was an asshole.

February 25, 2013 0

Everybody’s The Smartest Dumbass, Dumbass

The internet is not just a giant suckhole of your time, sanity, and sanctity, it’s also where dipshits, tardloads, and the occasional thick-skulled seat-sniffer volleys a shot at your intelligence from their dandruff and sebum-grouted keyboard. Everybody’s a tough guy until they get punched in the mouth. That’s why they never show their mouth. You can’t punch an internet tough-guy (a.k.a. “keyboard warrior”) in the mouth because theirs is full of a brain-frying energy drink and microwaved snacks.

A few months ago there was a “highlight” circulating of a high-school football scrimmage, wherein a running back takes a pitch-out around right-end and heads up-field. He makes a “spectacular flip” over a defender and heads for the end-zone. I saw it and thought right away how the back made a full spin in the backfield (takes eyes off defense), the defense seemed really soft, the blocker falls down, and the safety from the middle of the field doesn’t even try to tackle the kid. It looked staged.

Why stage it? Hell if I know. But it looked staged to me. And I said as much in the comments. And wow, did the dipshits come out of the basement jerk-closets!

My name, GLRules is there. My comment at the top. I had 12 thumbs-downers, so a dozen people thought I was a complete asspipe. Fine.
Then an anonymous user misspells “obviously” while making an assumption about my football-playing past. He’s wrong. I did play football, I study it, I love it.

Then “ManU” chimes in stating that it’s a scrimmage so OF COURSE nobody’s trying… except the kid risking knee ligaments to flip over somebody, while the scrimmage just HAPPENED TO BE CAPTURED ON VIDEO BY SOMEBODY?! Which most coaches would rather you NOT F*CKING DO. Plus, ManU is the moniker of a popular British Soccer squad, so their knowledge of full-out sporting is suspect.

Isn’t my primary comment my way of tossing my TapouT hat into the “Ring of Tards”? Sure. I know it may get comments and those comments may be from idiots. But when you call it out, and it’s faked, and people defend it, and 2 weeks later it’s A COMMERCIAL FOR A WIRELESS CARRIER… then yeah… you get to walk out of the tard ring knowing that you weren’t crapping on some kid’s dream of being a getting a full-ride Parkour scholarship. So what do you do in that case?

Ya just keep throwing.

Never let dipshits get the better of ya.

January 28, 2013 0

A Sandwich Too Small

George Carlin once said a lot of dirty stuff you want to scream at people writing checks at a grocery store. He also said “Women are crazy and men are stupid. But women are crazy because men are stupid.” Something like that. I often see little bits & pieces, graphics here and there taking digs at how dumb or helpless men are.

I won’t defend all men. I can’t. A lot of men are dickheads. A lot of men are also great people. Some are incredibly normal and unnervingly personable with no explicit personality issues. Some guys are complete sociopaths and should have died in a Jeep rollover a long time ago and had their organs go to save worthy lives. Some guys, however, are good Men.

They have to get up and go to work every day to keep the lights on and bills paid for their family. They do it with a song in their heart, even if somedays that song is “Necrophobic” by Slayer. And they do it because they love their family. On the way to work they burn an hour in the car. On the way home they burn 75minutes and have to go to the store to get something for dinner because the loves of his life are at home, tired, sick and haven’t had the energy to get dinner together. When he gets home he realizes he’s on patrol to get the kids bathed and in bed while his wife zones out on exhaustion and a chest cold she got from their daughter’s last play date.

Oh wait, shit… he has to iron some shirts for work, too. And fold the laundry and get another load going so the kids have stuff to wear for the rest of the week. It’s only Tuesday. The days run together. Gotta get a sitter for Saturday night, too, so he can take his wife out for anything, even for just two hours of face time. Did the bills get paid? Better check the online bill payer. Get that handled. Kid’s lunches for tomorrow, check. Kids bathed and in bed, check. Shirts ironed, check.

Oh look… it’s 11:40pm. Everybody is asleep except him, who was also up before everybody else today. And everybody is asleep. At home, in their beds, safe, and resting. A good day. Done.

And that’s part of the gig for the moment. Handling a lot of shit. And keeping schedules together. And working and making money and trying to keep Life from digging her heels in and being a bitch, instead of a dance partner.

He made the mortgage payment, car payment, insurance premium, kid’s lunches, doctor’s appointments, and read a couple stories to the kids. He didn’t put together some wet-panty plaque to post on Pinterest about how hard life is. He didn’t make a snarky Facebook update about how he’s running the show. And no, he didn’t make a sandwich.

Maybe tomorrow he’ll treat himself to a meal combo under $5 somewhere.

June 8, 2012 0

Is Consulting For You?

Consulting is nothing new to business. It’s been happening since the first caveman asked a buddy to figure out how they could get more speed on their spear-throws. They had different words for “spear” and “buddy,” of course, which we now call “product” and “peer.” So the path has been well-worn for at least 50 years. Are you thinking about walking it?

I first left a major company after realizing there was literally nowhere for my career to go. That was after seven years of skill development, great benefits, moderate pay increases, and being taken-over by a competitor. I had some skills that might keep me working there, for a bit more money, but it was up to me to get out and look for something better. Why? Because I had debt, of course! But honestly, hey, we’re working people. We are hunters, hence the “job hunt.” Hey, that’s why I’m here. Let me show you how to get more distance on that resumé, buddy.

But first, I will tell you this: It’s okay to be freaked out by looking for a new job. Instability happens, especially in competitive industries such as Mobile Telecom and Pretty Much Every Business. You don’t own your job, your desk, or your “space” until you do something that is so incredibly invaluable for the company that they wouldn’t think of letting you go. Don’t worry, it’s just The Truth of the workplace these days. Own your career, if not your desk-space. Here are a few reasons to go into Consulting and Contract work.

Playing The Odds:
Not too long ago I was in a panel interview at a wireless telecom giant, and the manager mentioned that his department (IT Planning) was around 60-70% contracted workers. You have a better chance getting placed via contract/consulting work than going through the normal methods of applying to a job via the company website. Eventually I got past my emotional attachment to the color of my badge and designation as either Full Time or Contract. I quit hinging the worth of my employment on whether or not I got to attend off-site rallies with full-timers. I got to the point where finishing work well and on-time was more important than sitting in on a 90minute catered lunch with a guest speaker. WORK TO DO. DO WORK. Get working, serve your project, deliver with style, get paid. You’re among friends.

Attitude Count$:
“Serve the Project.” I have worked with a lot of Full-Timers (FT’ers) who stand on either side of the “Innovation” fence. That is, one particular program manager I worked for was so sharp, affable, personable, and driven that we both knew his position was a step towards a much larger body of work outside the company. Also, I have sat in meetings where work is piling up and instead of assessing the approach and handling of the pile, the FT’ers leaned back and said “Oh well, I’m on vacation in 2 weeks anyway.” As a consultant my main task is doing a good job for the client; meeting and exceeding their expectations. I’m still competitive enough and have enough pride to wanna kick ass. Even if I’m not leaping out of bed every day to gather requirements like so many daffodils, flitting about the office to facilitate Change Management, and cheering up every soul regardless of their badge color, I’m there to serve the project’s needs and be paid well for it. So I do that, happily.

The Wide Walk Of Work:
So you have Analyst and Project Leadership experience? Great. In Healthcare? Awesome. And you think the only positions you can handle are in Healthcare? Not necessarily. First, embrace your niche. Healthcare is going to be HUUUUUUUUUGE in the next 20 years. Bet on it. If you can see trends in technology and how they’ll mesh with your industry’s growth you are well-ahead of most folks. Second, can you see how your experience would feed other industries? Fresh minds are needed for any industry’s growth, or at least, stability. Your transition from Healthcare experience to Mobile Computing may take a while, but really it breaks down to X’s and O’s; your skill + new terminology + credibility building = HIRED! Don’t limit yourself to only your industry of experience. I found myself in a food service company after years in wireless technology, and loved it!

Duration Variance:
You may be on a project for 2 years. More than likely it will be less than 12 months. I had a 5 month contract shortened to 2 because the department’s delivery strategy shifted. It happens. This is where being a full-timer to your company counts, and having saved that money beforehand comes in handy. Hopefully you have a bench to work from and get paid while honing a few skills before the next job. But if you’re somebody who likes to see things come together, launch, and repeat a few times… then you get a little antsy… this is a good road to walk.

Finances:
You often are making a greater hourly rate in contracting than you were as a FT’er. Why? Because you, or your firm, is charging more and it filters out a few more things like taxes. Oh, and the company you’re at isn’t investing in your 401k or Stock Options, so you make it up in cash. Never sell yourself short, and if you’re not ready to negotiate, go buy a book on negotiating. Money is a trade for your service. Try paying your mortgage with beers your pals owe you.

If you’re Independent, always get the contract in writing, and have an “early end” clause. For example, if you sign on for 8 months at $7K/month, include a clause that says “For every week less than 32 weeks the Consultant’s services are not needed, client will be paid ½ a standard week’s pay in a single payment.” This keeps you working at your full rate for the agreed-upon time, and if not, at least you’re not totally out the pay you could have been getting from the client or elsewhere. If they balk, offer to lower it to 1/3^rd, but don’t empty your pockets for the sake of courtesy. You’d rather be getting paid and helping out than pounding the keyboard and interviewing for work.

And save, save, save all you can, enough for about 3 months of expenses in case you find yourself on an unexpected vacation.

Socialize:
Social interwebbing is vital to your job search. From LinkedIn to FaceBook to Twitter, everything you put out there represents you, either as a person or a potential candidate. What does your online presence say about you? Are your strengths and experiences evident? If you aren’t savvy in it yet, well, I just Googled “job search and social media” and got over 200,000,000 results. I’ll let you know what I find in there. Get using technology as a means to an end; it’s not just what you’re working on, it’s working on you, too.

Consulting work and Contract work are going to be prevalent for quite a while. I doubt the forming of a Union to protect our interests, but if you are wondering who those people are that show up one day and start ruffling feathers, arranging work schedules, and presenting project plans… then are out before the holidays… that’s us. That’s me. We’re here to help that spear bring down bigger game. Good hunting.

April 24, 2012 0

Helicopter Parents & GroundPatrol Kids

There are some play areas in public places that are designed for kids around ages “Crawling well-to-4’ish.” They’re based pretty much on a height limit, usually noted by a body-part of a cartoon animal. “If you can suckle from this giraffe, your involvement is a gaffe!” Some-such… and the parents for the most part aren’t really governing the situation. There’s always a kid who’s too tall and too weird for the joint who’s probably just on his parent’s last nerve. That’s why there’s a Lego store.

I take our oldest guy (2.5 yrs) to a few of these places every 6-8 weeks, depending on the weather and time of day. He likes it enough to not want to leave after 30minutes, and it tires him out, builds coordination, gives him a healthy dose of interaction, etc. Also causes me minor panic attacks. Usually the joint’s overrun with kids, the way it oughtta be, and a packed airspace of “Helicopter Parents.” They act as labeled – hovering within feet of their kid’s activity, constantly voice-guiding their child like a sonar ping. “Aiden! Don’t hang on the lighthouse parapet. Aiden! Not YOU, sorry, AIDEN MAXIMUS… NO, NOT YOU, GAAAH! Maddie go get your br… sorry, MadeLINE, go get your brother.” Even better when one kid has 2 parents and a grandparent hovering around, 1 directing while 1 captures burgeoning narcissism and the other documents flowering misanthropy on smartphone cameras.

The worst of the Heli-parents are the Heli-Sippers. Fresh into the play area with knee-high kids running around, what better way to enjoy it than with a steaming-hot, freshly made latte in-hand? Oh, even better, stare at your phone amidst the cacophony of Figure-8 Racing that is a toddler’s play area!

Next-worse are the asshole parents of the asshole kids stuck along the perimeter, phone-thumbing their way through social media while IN A COMPLETELY CROWDED PUBLIC SPACE. Their kid is the one on top of the foam boat, purposely but passively giving kids the kick-back while screaming “I am the CHAM-PEE-ONNN!” Actually, Cade-aid-maximaden, you are 9 years old and need to get your ass off the boat before I engineer a slip-off. It’s always a boy, he’s usually got red hair or a big head, and his parents haven’t had him tested to see which chromosome caused the 11^th-14^th toes.

Nobody ever says anything. Ever. I am beginning to. I’ve told kids who push other kids “You’re not a very nice little boy, are you?” They don’t like that. Or “You shouldn’t push kids, or they will push you.” Huh, what? Responsibility? Accountability what? My son doesn’t touch other kids, but he is telling them now “It’s MY turn” and they move and he says “Thank you” and then won’t go down the F’ing slide and I look like my kid’s scared of everything.

I’m not perfect, soooo far from-far-from perfect. But I am trying to teach my oldest to stay out of other kid’s faces, no pushing, and to verbalize what he’s feeling. Ain’t easy. Eventually a kid from another country will not like his tone and knock him down. Then that kid’s dad will get thrown in a garbage can. StealthFighterDad among Helicopter Parents. I will drill you from high above in the play area. Then I will sanitize my hands with foamitizer and get a cupcake. Because America.

Be present. Say something. Parent, as a verb.

March 26, 2012 5

Eat It

There’s no way I should be hiding all of the truth from people if this is going to be a readable blog, right? Who wants to read regurgitated horse-S from a guy who sorta speaks his mind if it’s probably not going to bother people? Truth is, if you’re bothered then I said something that hit a part of you that you’re likely not happy about. You’ll stop reading or you’ll hate me and come back out of spite. Or you’ll agree and we can say “OK, let’s go forward.” It’s not my intent to offend anybody – that’s just a bonus.

So about these homo’s getting married… KIDDING, loosen up. Every adult should be allowed to enter a legally-recognized civil union and you can call it whatever you want, as long as we’re treated equally and allowed, on our own accord, to screw it up on a case-by-case basis.

It’s my intent to share whatever I can from my personal perspectives on life, parenting, health, and work in hopes it will connect with whomever reads this, and will keep them coming back, and they’ll tell their friends. Hopefully it will be entertaining, either from a comedy or mildly dramatic view. But overall it’s unfair to ask for anybody’s time if this is boring and repetitive and another boring “DadBlog.” I’ve read a few and thought how truly boring the dad’s come across, and wonder if they’re coming off like that to get laid at blogger conferences or if they really are that wussified. I have plenty of Compromise DNA in me, but a few entries on a few other DadBlogs almost made an “innie” out of my scrotum.

Where-to from there? How about food!? Shouldn’t try and ride the horse through highest waters just yet.

We’re having a renaissance of toddler eating habits in our house. With 1 toddler and 1 nurser and everybody working full-time there’s only so much time and so many hands with-which to prepare food. Many experts (I know they are because they wrote it on a website!) about toddler eating have said to give your kid what you’re eating, and they’ll come around to it.

Let/Make them try a lot of things. They won’t starve unless you with-hold all food from them. As parents WE dictate to the CHILD what’s available to eat. It doesn’t have to be dungeon gruel and the last of the ox gristle. But if we gave in to our son’s pouting about meals every time he hit a 7 on the Grumpometer, he’d have a steady diet of cookie-rabbits and juice. While it would ensure zero hassle at meal time, it would probably damage my oldest boy’s physical and emotional development. He’d be on an unhealthy path via nutrition and constant catering to his whims. The world doesn’t work like that, we don’t work like that, so neither will meal time.

In doing so we’ve had a few shortened lunches and dinners while baby carrots were left on the plate and cries came from the booster seat. Sometimes a single floret of broccoli designated the entire table a war-zone. Then eventually a few berries were eaten. Then a lot more. Then some brown rice with chopped vegetables became a staple. And recently the baby carrots diminished by a few by the end of the meal. He actually lived, acted, and slept very well in the aftermath of regularly having various foodstuffs on his plate. We usually have a starring role for a nearly-natural chicken nugget trio, a yogurt-fruit smoothie, applesauce, whole-grain pancakes, and the like. But as a dad who has fought the weight battle my whole life I want to get good nutrition habits into my son from early on. I can’t do that if I don’t eat healthy. I’m not perfect – I’ve had sensuous moments with brownies and slices of pizza that I still think of when I’m hungry – but at the very least I want my boys to try all kinds of food, see what they like, then mash it up into a paste and bake it into a cookie shape so they’ll eat it, stay thin, and have a perfect life. The end.

January 25, 2012 0

Having a Second Baby – A Preview

My wife’s about 11months pregnant right now, and we are beyond ready for this new baby to arrive. Even while our first one is off & on crying in his room instead of SLEEPING THE HELL OUT OF THE NIGHT, we’re pretty happy about the pending arrival. In the preceding months there have been a few discussions with other parents and friends about a 2nd baby. The best way to summarize these talks is “Mostly positive but it’s okay to shut your noisehole.” It’s amazing that some people believe simply having an opinion and a voice make either of them valid in everybody else’s world.

I have seen a lot of seemingly unsolicited voicing of the sentiment “WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP PROCREATING?!” and “I don’t want a baby ever, OMG, what would I do with all the random dick walking around my apartment?!” Hey, kids force you into a role you aren’t really ever ready for, but if your heart’s in the right place, you get ready pretty quickly. In the meantime, you realize that maybe all that dick isn’t in your best interest. Sucks to have your priorities, morals, and ideals shuffled for you. Life will do it if you don’t.

As for kids in restaurants, I feel really sorry for people who hate it when a kid saunters in and makes a little ruckus. Those poor folks think they have the right to a fancy, quiet dinner at Olive Garden! Hey, money-poor assholes, save up a few more bucks and eat elsewhere or head to the bar. The parents are doing the best we can to keep that kid under control, the good ones among us leave if the kid’s losing it, and it sucks ten times as much for us. So keep your stink-eye for your doctor when they say “Hey, how about a little less dick in your life?”

Sure, there are people who do NOT want kids. Some of them already have kids. Some of them don’t want the intrusion into their life of work, school, extended adolescence, I CANNOT FUCKING CONCENTRATE WHEN DANCING WITH THE STARS IS ON, promiscuity, drunken camping, and/or Crossfitting. Other people just don’t have the drive to procreate. Why can I still hear the judge’s scores, AND getting questions about what I’m doing? Leave me alone, I’m talking about how great our life is… faaaaawk…

So here’s the deal…
We’re parents. We parent. We are a family. We aren’t hobbyists when it comes to child-rearing. We’re sold on the idea of soccer practices, sports camps, play-dates, reading books to our kids 20 times a day, and major life prioritization. That’s for us to deal with. When I hear (from a few people) “Man, we think just the 1 kid is too much,” we already know that doing it well for just 1 kid – as there’s no real “Right” way – is hard enough. But we wanted another kid.
And our 2 kids will someday replace the scores of people who don’t want kids. Hell, they’ll replace US. And when the anti-kid folks grow old and diaper-filling, I will present to my kids a list of their names, and say “Yeah, they didn’t want to add to the generation that is now alive to help them in their final days.”

All I can hope is that we’ve taught them to do the right thing and stay out of other people’s business.

October 24, 2011 1

Tag: lessons