Month: July 2013

Faithful or Paranoid?

There’s a huge difference between the Faithful and the Paranoid. I see religious people reciting or posting or quoting Biblical references all the time – this may happen with the Muslim community as well, though I’ve yet to see them quote the Koran in a facebook post – and I’m not sure why.

I was raised going to church a LOT.  And the messages haven’t really stuck.  The interactions with some people have, though.  That old saying of how you’ll always remember how somebody made you feel rings very true.  I can’t remember every sermon, hymn, or Sunday School lesson, but I do know the difference between Faith and Paranoia.

Faith, they say, is the unshakeable belief and confidence in the reality of things you cannot see.  It is usually a belief in a deity or in the doctrines of a belief system which work FOR the benefit of the Faithful.
Paranoia, however, is defined as a repetitive thought pattern fueled by anxiety about an unseen or misperceived threat. 

Faith is ordering a drink and knowing it will eventually arrive at your table and be as you expected it to be.
Paranoia is thinking the drink won’t show up on time and when it does it will be awful and probably poisoned.

The thin line between Faithful and Paranoid bisects the gray area between “Realistically Positive” and “Realistically Negative.”  And when somebody of Faith tells anybody else what they are doing is wrong and will doom them based on the doctrines of a faith the listener doesn’t adhere to, the Faithful has then become a Paranoid scorekeeper. 

Amen.

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I Will Maim Teenagers Drinking At Playgrounds

To The F*ckstain Who Smashed Beer Bottles at the Kid’s Playground:

You must be a teenager or somebody else with a very minimal view of the world. You cannot possibly be a good human being at this point in your life, but it will get better if you decide it will.  Until then, you are the reason there are cameras popping up at every street corner and playground.  Big Brother ain’t watching, YOUR BROTHER is watching.  And I’m pissed.

I did plenty of dumb stuff when I was young (as recently as last week in fact).  Fine.  Happy?  Good.  But the fact that you drained a couple Coors Lights, in BOTTLES I might add, which means you have no idea how to properly drain the Silver Bullets, is only the beginning of your idiocy. These are probably your step-dad’s garage beers, or something left behind from a July 4th BBQ your mom threw up after.  This isn’t an adult’s beer, a discerning man’s beer of choice.  Then, as if drinking the last of it, probably with a blossoming young lady who thinks you “bad” or “dangerous” because she doesn’t yet understand Life, as if the last sip was a 3-yard dive for a winning touchdown… you spike the bottle into the cement, shattering it.  Shards left behind in the high-traffic area of an elementary school playground. 

And you blue-ball it all the way home, smug and buzzed on watery beer and Axe bodyspray.  We’re watching.  We’re carrying stun-guns.
And dustpans. 
Decide right now which you’d rather have.

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Condo and Condon’t; What I’ve Learned As a Condo Association Board Member

… and how it pertains to real life.

  1. You are part of a community, like it or not, big or small, populated or wooded, and you can either be a good part or a bad part.
  2. Paying your dues to the association is part of being in the association’s budget so that your neighbor’s fence gets repaired with some of your money, and your backed-up sewer line gets fixed and your floors replaced with some of my money when the poop hits the Pergo. 
  3. Everybody wants a package of comfort that is packed with varying sizes of the same items: Security, Financial Stability, Quiet Hours, Nice Neighbors, Cleanliness, Rules.
  4. Not everybody, in fact, most people, won’t do much to reinforce or model that behavior.
  5. There is always, always, always a neighbor who everybody thinks is crazy and is probably legally crazy, but they always think everybody else is crazy.
  6. I wish the people of the association were all doing so greatly that there were no issues financially or physically to deal with, but that will never ever be the case.
  7. The amount of work to be done is inverse to the amount of money to pay for that work. 
  8. The priority of the work is perceived by whomever needs their walls to stop leaking.
  9. The priority of the work is determined by whomever holds the checkbook. 
  10. Never never never ever buy a condominium older than 10 years. 
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OK, Co-Worker… You’re a Nicehole

He comments on what you’re eating, then backs it up by saying he can’t eat that because he has a medical condition that prevents issue-free digestion of said food.  Then pounds SILK Soy Creamer into his tea.  Dude, it’s chicken, broccoli, and almonds.

He eats 4-8 pieces of fruit per day, spending about 30min washing it in the workplace kitchen sink.   

He wears black undershirts, under his work shirts.

He wears pleated pants.  For the love of Claude…

He walks by people in conversation and throws in a “Hey guys” as though they had acknowledged his approach and passing. 

He doesn’t wear a wedding ring, so he’s either divorced or one of those married assholes who doesn’t wear a wedding ring. 

He is monotonous, which comes across less “cool” and more “condescending.”

I may be reading something into this, but I wouldn’t drive to a gig with this guy, so he gets the Nicehole* award.

 

 

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*nicehole – n. – Any person who doesn’t overtly act in a manner that warrants being thrown to the ground, yet drives you up the wall.  Ex; Starting conversations they want to dominate. Comparing their troubles as a pet owner to yours as a parent.  Unable to take a visual or verbal cue that you’d like to end the interaction.  Pestering in a “Oh come on, you’ll have fun” kind of way. 

If you have seen the movie “Extract,” David Koechner’s character “Nathan,” the guy across the street is a perfect example.

 

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