To The F*ckstain Who Smashed Beer Bottles at the Kid’s Playground:
You must be a teenager or somebody else with a very minimal view of the world. You cannot possibly be a good human being at this point in your life, but it will get better if you decide it will. Until then, you are the reason there are cameras popping up at every street corner and playground. Big Brother ain’t watching, YOUR BROTHER is watching. And I’m pissed.
I did plenty of dumb stuff when I was young (as recently as last week in fact). Fine. Happy? Good. But the fact that you drained a couple Coors Lights, in BOTTLES I might add, which means you have no idea how to properly drain the Silver Bullets, is only the beginning of your idiocy. These are probably your step-dad’s garage beers, or something left behind from a July 4th BBQ your mom threw up after. This isn’t an adult’s beer, a discerning man’s beer of choice. Then, as if drinking the last of it, probably with a blossoming young lady who thinks you “bad” or “dangerous” because she doesn’t yet understand Life, as if the last sip was a 3-yard dive for a winning touchdown… you spike the bottle into the cement, shattering it. Shards left behind in the high-traffic area of an elementary school playground.
And you blue-ball it all the way home, smug and buzzed on watery beer and Axe bodyspray. We’re watching. We’re carrying stun-guns.
Decide right now which you’d rather have.