Category: Interactions

Pay To Pay To Play

Youth Sports. It’s come a long way since the days I started in the late 1970s. Dirt fields behind the cement-block elementary school (Camelot Elementary in Federal Way). Path-worn baseball diamonds at Steel Lake. Basketball rims. Cul-de-sacs that doubled as Fenway Park or Yankee Stadium in the minds of youngsters trying to crush vented plastic balls or tennis balls in to the Kepkie’s yard (automatic homer), but usually fouled it off into the Ray’s garage (horrible people with an aggressive Doberman and body odor). Recreational, city-sponsored leagues handing out hats and t-shirts that I would cling to as if they were the road unis for game 3 of World Series.

That stuff is GONE. O. VER. If you want your kid to get on the field and build a highlight reel, there’s an entirely different, over-the-top path to stardom now. You could still sign McKinsley up for tee-ball through the parks center. If you want to sign Rykkor onto a local soccer club via the Y, now’s the time; registration fees go up in 2 days for the Spring 2025 season! Don’t forget to put some money aside from every paycheck to cover these fees, usually in excess of $100 for a boxy t-shirt and a foam-front trucker cap. You CAN do those things… if you don’t care about your kid’s future in athletics.

OR… or you can look at local clubs, privately owned and operated away from the prying audits of city and state officials. Whatever sport you want your kid to dedicate their time and your money to, it’s available. You can also pay around $750 for 3 months of 1 practice & 1 game/week against a handful of kids who are pretty good, and a handful of kids who are scared of the ball. Yes, you can do this even if your child is in a school that offers multiple interscholatic sports. Yes, your child can play multiple sports at one time. Yes, there is no discount for being in multiple sports. No, there are no college scholarships for kids in these programs, no matter how good they are at tying their shoes in the middle of a game with the offense bearing down. You, as a parent or guardian, should have direct control over your kid’s involvement in sports, and the more you pay the BETTER the kid will be, right?

Oh… oh dear friend. No. That’s not true. This is not a business anymore. This is an industry. By 2026, one study projected that Youth Sports will be at $77.6 billion. By comparison, the juggernaut NFL is $15 billion. Feel it yet? Are you clocking the gravity of Youth Sports? Because it’s no longer mainly for kids to participate just for the FUN of it. It’s for kids to develop more quickly with sport-specific training at young ages (yes, I have known a 10 year old who left kid parties to work their PITCHING COACH), and if not sports, then it’s specialized Physical Conditioning.

“Worldwide $24.9 billion youth sports markets are poised to achieve significant growth as travel teams become more popular and families learn to enjoy time together during a weekend sporting event. Enormous market efficiency is being achieved as youth and recreational teams move to automated process. Apps can be used to book hotels and make travel arrangements.” – Youth Sports Market Projected to Reach $77.6 Billion by 2026

BILLIONS of dollars being spent for kids to be on teams that travel out of state to compete in tournaments in order to say they, uh, played in that tournament or maybe even won it? Great. It’s going to take up a lot of family time. Multiple games during tournament weekends. Road trips. Hotels, airfare, meals – none of which are are paid for by the team, usually – to watch kids whose voices have yet to change play other teams from around the nation. To what end?

Having seen just a small piece of what a “pay to play” league looks like in the past 8 months I have some deep, and possibly mis-targeted, feelings about what families are really signing up for. I might be totally off base and out of line in my observations. I could be expressing some sort of PTSD or unresolved anger at what I witnessed in the recent past.

But the goal of writing about this is to inform people of the changes in sports that the professionals of tomorrow are involved in today. We might not see the best players of the crop. Instead, we might see the kids whose families had the best credit scores to help their kids learn to throw an off-speed pitch in lieu of celebrating their friend’s birthday.

For the record, when that kid was told he had to leave the party for pitching practice, he showed off some incredible arm strength by whipping his left shoe directly at his father’s crotch. What fun.

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A Team Of One Voice

The past year, as of today pretty much, was one of some low-grade tumult – I use that word rarely because I’m not sure I know when it applies – and a fair amount of stress. I work as a software development manager, project manager, and roles that fall into those categories. I have been doing that for about 15 years, and study best practices of doing that a lot. It’s far more about The People than The Product. But a year ago that Product was put on-hold.

Long story-short, I was among a large group of people laid off due to the impact of COVID-19 on The Economy. We didn’t know what was gonna happen around this place, and a lot of companies had to look as far ahead as they could. So that meant, for some of them, cuts were necessary.

I was among those who were cut. It sucked. I was restless and agitated like a guy who wanted to not be laid off from a company he truly loved working for. But I understood the path they had to take, and I was also one of newer employees, less than 6 months on the job there, so it made sense in a lot of ways. So I did what a lot of people do in that situation; I thought applying to a lot of jobs would help!

Well it did, sorta. For months, no bites. Nothing. I slowly expanded my job searches to include skills within my role, and that did help the opportunities open up a bit. But again, for many months, not a lot of companies were hiring. The most-secure, well-positioned places were actively interviewing and probably bringing people along. I applied for more than 100 jobs, had over 40 interviews, and one company’s interview methods stood out. I won’t mention their name, because I’d still like to work for them, but this was peculiar…

Why bring it up? Because something was up with the whole deal.
There were multiple rounds of job-related conversations, different teams of peers, inter-departmental leads, and recruiters. Everything went really well, I thought, but there’s only so much you can glean from some people’s reactions. They wanted me to talk to a variety of people so that they could make a “team decision,” and this can be a struggle for someone who loves to talk about anything except themselves. Ugh. BO-RING.

After 4 rounds and about 6 hours of discussions, the lead recruiter called me. They all really liked me, thought I could do the job, but were passing because one of the 7 people I talked to wasn’t sure I had enough experience working with a particular workstream. But I was in the system and it might come around later. FFFFFffffart…

Hmm… It was the old Catch-22 of “not enough experience, and not gonna get it here.” Okay, been there before. So one of seven people thought it was an issue. Okay… It bothered me because either it was not a team decision, or the recruiter was protecting my feelings and I had mega-shat the interview process. I always ask for feedback from interviews so I can sharpen up particular areas. His only feedback was that I had provided some answers they hadn’t considered before, liked my personality, but yeah, just that one person and that one thing…

Either “that one thing” carried much more weight than the other areas, or they weren’t sure how to tell me just straight-up “Nope.” But after meeting with all the teams, I figured it’s more the latter. If it’s a team decision, one voice shouldn’t swing it that far.

Eventually I did get contacted by a company I had previously worked for, so I knew What and How They Did What They Do. One hour, 3 people, and 24 hours later I had an offer. I was in the middle of talking with 2 other firms who wanted to schedule me with 6 other people and 4 more interviews, and after a while, from the side of a candidate, it all seems like a pageantry of Importance within the company.

So I’m back and working and have a all new tumult to emotionally intelligence.

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Not Woke, But Waking Up

It’s been WAY too long since I wrote anything, for a myriad of reasons. The past year has been all over the place, a true emotional roller-coaster for many of us with a variety of ups and downs, cut-backs, corkscrews, and barfing all over the place. This time last year I was transitioning off of a long consulting gig with a medical device company, having ushered in a new process which was created with some brilliant engineering and regulatory minds.

I was heading to a new job at a great retailer of outdoor and active gear, Eddie Bauer, which is celebrating its 100th year in operations.

I was coaching a talented group of kids through a season of rec-league soccer, on our way to the playoffs with some amazing wins and some good lessons learned in defeat.

I was learning more about how to communicate and work through issues in the house with my wife, truly conversing with her when we needed to find a solution.

Above it all was this pervasive idea that America was trudging toward something darker than it had seen in recent decades. The history of white people in America is dark and oppressive to non-Whites. This idea of a “Great America” is furthered by denial of the unpleasant roots of White History in America, and how it is not presented often enough, if at all, in most public schools. This allows for a willful ignorance to perpetuate through year after year of education. It wasn’t “us” so we shouldn’t be responsible for any of it! How can I be expected to be accountable for something people started 400 years ago? It’s not like it helped me! (Perhaps, but if you’re white in America, the color of your skin likely hasn’t held you back.)

Well, at the very least, acknowledge that the idea that America’s justice system has been inordinately oppressive and violent against non-white people, or BIPOC (Black and Indigenous People of Color). If you’ve yet to watch the documentary “The 13th” and have any desire to understand how Black communities seem like they “just can’t get it together,” get your ass on the couch for 2hrs and watch that.

Freed slaves had their land and property seized if arrested. So there goes a chance to build a life and generational wealth for a family. The “police” were nothing more than overzealous watchdogs cruising through areas largely populated with freed slaves. And that arrested party ends up doing what? Performing labor for the State, free of charge. It’s not an accident that it plays out like that, it’s fully by design. And it lands heavier on Black citizens than Whites.

Next would be how divided we are as a nation, and it seems more now than ever before, due to politics, right? I’d say “Nope.” I’d say it’s due to social media, and the unfettered access to it by people leaning both Left and Right on the political spectrum.

Before I dive in that end of the dumpster, there is a proven difference in How the brains of Liberals and Conservatives work. The most basic summary is this:

People who identify or vote more “Left” are found to be more open to new ideas, experiences, and empathy. There is a higher tolerance and understanding of inequality.
People who identify as “Conservatives” have a more rigid response to change, see “order” as comfort, and have neurological responses more associated with “fear” than “acceptance.”

from the article:
“Whereas liberals see the poor and destitute as largely being victims of misfortune, such as the unlucky fate of being born to poor minority parents, conservatives emphasize the role of personal defects, such as drug dependency, and unwillingness to work.”

So we’re now 6 weeks from The Election of Our Lifetimes. The amount of swirl – both from the Media and our own Minds – is unprecedented. I personally don’t think we need ANOTHER OLD WHITE MAN as the President. Abolishing the Electoral College would help there, having a greater-than-2-Party system could be ushered in with a 3rd and/or 4th party, and more people could be represented by the government.

We currently have as close to a Dictatorship as we’ve ever had. It’s corrupt from a standpoint of having sycophantic followers and donors being placed in vital Federal seats. Money speaking louder than qualification. And our courts are being packed with lifetime appointees with Conservative leanings. So here we go…

I’m not “woke,” but I’m waking up to a lot of things that I haven’t seen in as bright a light as is on them right now. There is so much work to do. A lot of people will never do it. They will never break out of whatever shell of comfortable ignorance surrounds them. A lot of us are trying to get educated so we know what to look for and how to truly be allies with our neighbors in a diverse nation. We can do better.

We can Make America Great Eventually.

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Summer Camp: Money, Well… Spent

As a parent, I’m far beyond ready for the kids to go back to school. This is ridiculous. The only people happy about these extended breaks are teachers (whom I respect and support) and Summer Camp Counselors (who usually are teens just killing time for $12/hr and it shows). Everyone else who loves it are either over-joyed, under-lied Youth Pastors or childless couples with tons of vacation time to burn.

This Summer has been the campiest, busiest one we’ve had in a while, for unconventional reasons. My wife has gone back in school to finish a degree in Interior Design, and she’s getting A’s! The earlier classes she’s been in are hands-on art-heavy classes, and as the self-labeled “creative one” in the family, I’m waaaay behind her and my older son’s art work this Summer. I think I might have come up with a new joke about my car looking like a crime scene, but overall it’s been a fallow Summer for me.

Busy-ness-wise, we’ve played more mini-golf than usual, which I love. I love putt-putt! GUILTY QUEEEEEEN! Or whatever people say to be “whatever” about stuff. My kids are about to wrap up their 3rd Summer camp of the season, and then we’re done. Over $2K spent for 3 weeks of the following experiences:

  1. Mini-golf – playing on 3 courses in 4 days, so they doubled-up, half-day camp
  2. Soccer – skills were at the lowest skill-level of campers, so we didn’t really get better, half-day camp
  3. Piano – they learned a few scales and such but overall didn’t learn much, half-day camp
  4. Flag football – both kids played on championship-level teams in the Spring so this was NOT a camp of “betterment” and some other issues I’ll address in a sec, half-day camp
  5. Flag football/Soccer/Baseball camp – This is the final week happening right now. So far I’ve heard they have to hit off a tee, haven’t run any particular plays, and haven’t worked on any soccer skills. All day in the heat and they’re looking rough.

So what’s the gripe? I’d like to know that when they go to camps that they come home with some skills other than “finding which kids have untethered ADHD” and “not being that impressed with the camp.” I can’t blame them; these are all run through local churchy organizations or sporty spots, but nothing super-focused on THE ELITE LEVEL OF CONDITIONING YOUR ELEMENTARY AGE CHILDREN! But for the love of laziness, some of these camps aren’t even trying.

I know this is a very “white” complaint, believe me. I try to not throw the “guilt-quilt” over any of the kids’ experiences – “Well, I never got to do cool Learn To Cast Spells camps when I was a kid because my parents were lazy asses” – because it’s not their fault if the camp isn’t killing it. If nothing else, they’re getting a lot of exercise, plenty of bath time at night, and they’ve been crashing hard at night. But I get that they don’t love Summer Camp. There are others we tried to get into, turns out those suck, too.

Our friends sent their kids to a week-long NERF Battle Camp, with blasters and swords and such. I hosted a birthday party like this once and it was a shitfire. Everyone getting shot in the face or up-close, darts to the junk, total chaos. And that camp report was “Lame. There was only one day of Capture The Flag.” I hear ya. Every day of life is capturing flags, young ‘in.

When I was 10, I went to this ridiculous horse riding/pool/craft camp for 3 of the 5 days I was supposed to. On day 3, one of the counselors – a guy in his mid-30’s with a cigarette behind his ear and severely receding hairline – called me “fatso” on front of the whole camp, and I was like “F*ck this guy.” If you’re trashing the kids of the parents who pay for what’s probably your work-release program, there’s not a lot else I can do at 10 to thrash your day-to-day. Not sure what happened to that guy. I’m sure the police were involved.

But sending kids to camp puts them in somewhat unfamiliar situations, which you can help them grow in to working at. Learning to adapt and go with the flow in a different place is about 50% of life’s requirement of success. The others include being attractive and having some sort of water craft. When I hear parents say they have “nothing” planned for their kid’s Summer, I’m astounded, if they aren’t traveling a lot. Or if the kid’s secretly a SuperHero. But I doubt the kid’s saving lives and stopping MegaVillains when they keep putting their shoes on the wrong feet and pinching their ween instead of just going to the restroom. Leaving a kid to do “nothing”  during the Summer is just lazy. I understand there are financial barriers for some families. If there aren’t, a kid at home all Summer is basically just a dormant seed waiting to bloom into the same flower that left school in June.

At least put a golf club in their cheese-powdered hands for a week, get some putting work in.

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Carry-On Luggage

It’s been forever since I wrote anything. I have lacked energy, motivation, insight, and probably time to do so. But honestly, I have the time, I just burn it doing unproductive crap like working or yard work. Or phone-scrolling like a laboratory crack-monkey. The motivation has been there, sometimes, but I’m not feeling too inspired lately. Then I read something, I think it was Carl Jung’s quote… (hey, Geoff, an easy way to confirm that is go to on the internet and see if this is true…)

“Life really does begin at forty. Up until then, you are just doing research.”

I have plenty of work to do, but man, Jung was a pretty deep dude.

His insight into the duality of human existence, of overcoming our greatest fears or darkest corners by admitting them and confronting them, led me to a lot of introspection in my 20’s. In my late-20’s, I had what was probably close to what they call a “quarter-life crisis.” Did a lot of therapy at that time, a lot of looking way back to my childhood to understand why I was in a cycle of friendships and relationships that stagnated. The only constant in those scenarios was Me, so however it played out, I had the same role every time. It was a great step forward to gain understanding of my own behavioral drives.

“His retreat into himself is not a final renunciation of the world, but a search for quietude, where alone it is possible for him to make his contribution to the life of the community.”

Fast-forward to 2019. Recently spent a fair amount of time with some people who, frankly, are carrying a lot of old shit around. And not just carrying it, but leaning it onto other people, unconsciously, because that’s what they have to offer. I don’t think it’s malicious, their leaning. There’s no reflection of whether or not it’s beneficial to carry it, and thus, no wondering if it helps to blurt out their “take” on a situation. Because some of the stuff I saw and heard was straight-up bullshit, bigoted, short-sighted, and/or stupid.

“I have always been impressed by the fact that there are a surprising number of individuals who never use their minds if they can avoid it, and an equal number who do use their minds, but in an amazingly stupid way.”

When I was 10 or 11, I had a great interest in biology and how animals were created and grew. I wondered how 2 kids from the same parents could look vastly different. I loved animals. I told my mom I thought it would be cool to be a veterinarian some day. She asked me…

“Do you think if someone brought you a sick animal that you could put it to sleep?”

So in this conversation about something not happening, in theory, for 20 years, I have to handle the hardest part of the work before I ever start? Whatever place of reality that came from, it wasn’t encouraging. I’m not a veterinarian. I didn’t share much with my mom about my hopes after that. Subconsciously I didn’t see trust there.

“We are not what happened to us, we are what we wish to become.”  

Recently we’ve been working a lot on the Growth Mindset with our kids, and the teams I coach. It’s more about understanding that putting in effort leads to success, mistakes are OK but quitting is not, and taking time daily to reflect on what went well, and what we can change. This doesn’t mean we eschew dwelling in reality so that we never feel bad or think we screwed up, cranking Disney soundtracks and polishing our participation trophies. It means we focus on what’s working, praise the effort that went it a good outcome, and admit that we can get better.

So when I’m around negativity, which for some people is a default selection in their menu – to find fault everywhere and constantly express how people around them would be happier if they’d just listen to advice – I quickly tire of that cycle. I see a person who is insecure and needs validation. I see a person who is hurt and can’t or won’t heal. I see someone who needs to be listened to, but can’t ask for help. There’s a part of all of us that is flawed, imperfect, mottled, cracked, or dark. It’s a part we’re not all happy with, and most of us would never allow the world to see it. But it’s part of being Human. I’m a wreck sometimes, the way my brain processes the smallest issues while accepting horrible events.

“The reason for evil in the world is that people are not able to tell their stories.”  

There are times when these people would steer conversations towards things they knew a lot about. Which is fine. But not everyone knows a lot about, let’s say, the compression ratios of indirect injection in diesel engines (it ranges from 18:1 to 24:1, but you go lower and you’re gonna bonk it out). And it’s not a lively discussion when one person has to talk about that for a long time after being told what’s-what about tariffs with China and how that impacts American spending from across the dinner table. And then they point out “Geoff’s tuned out, he doesn’t know shit about diesel engines.” True on both accounts.

There were a few times when, having pointed out, quietly, that what I was hearing from these people – complaints about how other people did their job, how other people spent their money, how other people lived their lives (even though it had zero outward impact) – was just dead-weight negatives, I was told to “not make a thing of it.” I wasn’t making a thing of it, but I’m not going to NOT put up a boundary on my good time. Life is far too short. Don’t crap in a punchbowl and call me impolite for drinking from my flask. Don’t crap in a punchbowl, period.

“Let the light of your madness shine, and it will suddenly dawn on you. Madness is not to be despised and not to be feared, but instead you should give it life.”

Instead of carrying it all around, everywhere we go, I think it’s far more beneficial to admit we carry some ugly luggage. Start there. We lie to ourselves, tell ourselves things are fine while our ears are bleeding, refuse to admit we have to make a change, etc. And the luggage gets heavier. It takes more strength to put it down and open it up than it does to keep carrying it. Nobody can see it, usually. So it just looks like somebody struggling to get through the day; the baggage is invisible, but the weight of it is evident.

And the closer we are to letting go of that stuff, the more some people get uncomfortable. They don’t understand that dragging it around isn’t part of Life, it’s part of Stagnation and Death. I hope I can keep choosing introspection and reflection over wallowing.

“Every step closer to my soul excites the scornful laughter of my devils, those cowardly ear-whisperers and poison-mixers.”  

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Writer’s Blah

I have nothing to really write about… to REALLY write about. Nothing. I have a lot of these little frustrations and nits I could wax on about. But it sounds like griping, and the time for the Straight White Male’s Gripe has passed. Oh shit, this guy at work uses the word “past” in place of “passed” and that drives me up the ass. And before you say I’m a “grammar Nazi” (why did WordPress auto-capitalize Nazi?), you need to reign that in. I’m not saying I want to round up and exterminate people who consistently mis-use phrases and cause confusion due to a lack of punctuation. I’m just saying that publicly flogging people for a lack of attention to proper use of language shouldn’t be a thing of the passed.

Did your brain feel like it shorted out for a sec? Yeah, sucks, doesn’t it?

Recently a guy I used to work with noted the passing of he and his wife’s 15 year-old fluffball dog, Pomeranian I think, on social media. I know that sucks. Losing a furry pet – that isn’t my cat – of any tenure will always truly suck. The gushing over their “little man” and how much he’ll be missed, and the magic he brought to their lives, was pretty stomach-turning, though. He and his wife chose to not have kids, and instead spend their lives traveling the world with stops back in America to work at software, inc. and rack up a 6-figure salary on a yearly basis. That’s great, and more power to them for choosing that path. Life’s larger challenges can be amplified via perspective. And perhaps it’s my having 2 kids and playing the roles of parent, teacher, doctor, gastroenterologist, party planner, fashion consultant, dietician, triage nurse, coach, team mate, chauffeur, pharmacist, meal planner, and intergalactic foe for them which has me in a totally different headspace than a dog-dedicated family resides in. I know, I’m an asshole about some things, I know this. Dog’s are sweet companions of families and can teach many lessons about Life. And they can be replaced after one passes, and barely anybody thinks that’s bad or weird, and might even attract more than a few kudos. I don’t think it works the same for children.

Humor can be hard sometimes.

 

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Plumber’s Crack

In the renovation of a small condominium (Latin, from Con + Dom + Inium, meaning “a small place to be uncomfortably screwed.”) in preparation for selling it (PLEASE, SEATTLE HOUSING GODS, HANG IN THERE WHILE WE SACRIFICE THIS CAN OF KELLY MOORE EGGSHELL MOON-GRAY PAINT UNTO THEE)… we had to hire a plumber service to hook-up/disconnect some kitchen work for us. Just an absolute mental clusterfist of a group, AA Plumbing & Drain. You know when somebody’s full of shit when you ask them about an item you need clarification on, and they just talk and talk and talk about everything EXCEPT the issue.

I don’t know if anybody’s going to give a clogged can about this, but here’s what I want to share.

GET YOUR BIDS IN WRITING. We had a verbal bid of $500 to $700. Final bill was almost $1000. After checking the reviews online, this looks like what this company does. Verbal Bid, Actual over-bill. So if the model is to come in way over the bid, just up your bid so you don’t have blowback when people ask why you’re way TF over your original bid. Makes  you look like you don’t know what you’re doing, outside of causing issues.

I know “shit happens,” in work and business. Time runs short, overruns on materials, etc. But when you overbill by $100, and add a guy to stand around and watch you swear for another $100, that’s shit you’re causing, not the happening of the shit.

I get why people have issues with the repair and trade industries. I’ve had contractors demo a bathroom and try to bilk a couple extra hundred out of me, likely due to a gambling problem. Once had a team do great work except for one of them stealing a $500 watch on their last day. This distrust is one reason why people go the DIY route, but all the same, there’s a point when you’re suddenly watching a shell-game happen. When somebody answers your concise question with a drawn-out response riddled with unrelated details (we have good reviews!, a high satisfaction rating!, my socks match!), you’re getting the run-around.

I’m already resigned that we won’t be getting any money back on an overbilling issue. But I’ve also included their integrity as part of the equation. I have moments where I miss integrity, I’m sure. So maybe it’s a karmic back-up throwing some shit my way. At least I know who not to call. I’ll handle this myself.

 

 

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Pardon The Interruption

Hey, you’re sitting there typing on a keyboard. I’m gonna jump in and start talking to you because I have like zero ability to judge a situation. Now you’re distracted and my question is confusing. Get out of your car and come look under my hood. Hear that? Yeah. What is that? I don’t know either.

Anyway, if there’s any justice in the universe, I’ll be shitting blood by lunch. OK, cool, I’m gonna get coffee.

 

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The Value of Volume

Having finished another season of coaching flag football – 2 teams this time – I find it’s always good/self-indulgent to reflect on the season(s). There are so many lessons to learn from coaching that I hope I coach long enough to compile a long enough list to make a ton of money off a book that people download, something with a title like “The Basics of Success: 2287 Tips to Get to The Top From Your Personal Rock-Bottom,” or “Win Today: Turning The ShitShow You Call Your Life Into a Success Orgy.” But I probably won’t do that too soon.

This entry is more about some people I encounter regularly who believe that making noise – literally and figuratively – somehow equates to “get shit done,” or GSD. This happens at work, on the field, in the 7-11 parking lot, church choir planning retreats, we could go on and on… In coaching sometimes I have to yell. I mean BELLOW to get a kid’s attention. A lot of kids seem to go by a nickname, so I yell their name and they don’t respond. Instead, they’re just NOT dropping back to cover the flat and just gonna stand there having a go at their, apparently very itchy bum while having a good look at the opposing player running past them. You can’t coach instinct, but you can yell about the lack of effort.

A co-worker of mine is like a human whistle. Noise. Just noise noise noise. Dropping f-bombs in a way that most people use a comma. Got it. You’re fired up. You’re a rebel, a breaker of convention, a THOUGHT LEADER. From 70 feet away, over the tops of cubicles, WE HEAR THAT YOU ARE CONCERNED AND YOU’RE GONNA BE OK. Good job. Now please, shut up so we can GSD. This person, I swear, equates being loud to Leading. That’s “Loudership” (just invented that, trademark 2018), and it’s annoying.

My wife tells me I “really need to yell louder” on the sidelines. I always do. About as loud as I can yell, I let it rip. She’s also usually on the same side as I am, 3 feet behind me, and 30 feet to my left or right. So she can’t hear me trying to get Kayd’n’s attention so he’ll TAKE 5 BIG STEPS FORWARD. Again in the past 3 minutes. And I’m shouting for him to move up, and waving my hand to move up, while yelling “KAAAYD”””N! TAKE 5 BIG STEPS FORWARD.” He looks at me, palms up, as if to say “I am holding an invisible sandwich that is at least 3 feet long. It will drop if move!”

Later, when I ask “Hey, were  you able to hear me out there?”

“Yeah, I heard you.”

“Why didn’t you move up?”

“I didn’t know why I should.”

“OK… We don’t have time in the game to explain every little move. We coach that in practice so that, when we tell you where to move, you’re in the best position to make a play for the team. The basic spot you start from is on that corner of the penalty box. You’re not in the wrong place, but if  you move there’s a better chance good things will happen. You moved up and the other player had to try and come back inside, and lost the ball. Good job out there!”

(Blank stare)

“Good talk, get some PowerJuice.”

And this seems to be the way right now, in America. Being loud gets attention. It diverts us away from the constant thrum of whatever else is being hammered on. I’m not saying Kayd’n is trying to divert attention way from his meddling with his sister’s sleepover, or accuse his brother of eating all the Nutella with a spoon. I’m just saying that being loud has its place in the world. But not in the workplace, unless you REALLY need to be LOUD, or just like to yell at kids.

 

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Kids Can Be Jerks

Some kids are just dickheads. It’s amazing to see kids at 10 already being dickheads, but it’s there. When redirecting or reprimanding a kid, the last thing I used to expect was some sort of reply starting with “But we were just…” or “We don’t have to…”

I don’t care what you were “just,” that’s my couch and get your disgusting feet the fuck off of it. You just earned a 6 month ban from my house. Go wait outside for your parents, with your weird eyes.

You do have to, if you don’t want me to tell your parents, and then launch a thinly-veiled campaign against your availability for playdates. I’ll bury your social calendar in the stories of your bullshit backtalk. I’ll propaganda your ass right into a Summer of staring at the walls, you red-headed, sucker-punching, hat-stealing pre-prison ass clown. See you 8 months if you haven’t been transferred to a state-run juggling camp.

Quit being scared of kids. Start slapping consequences on them. Tell them loudly they aren’t being spanked, they’re being excluded from fun. Kill their video games. Win.

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