Plumber’s Crack

In the renovation of a small condominium (Latin, from Con + Dom + Inium, meaning “a small place to be uncomfortably screwed.”) in preparation for selling it (PLEASE, SEATTLE HOUSING GODS, HANG IN THERE WHILE WE SACRIFICE THIS CAN OF KELLY MOORE EGGSHELL MOON-GRAY PAINT UNTO THEE)… we had to hire a plumber service to hook-up/disconnect some kitchen work for us. Just an absolute mental clusterfist of a group, AA Plumbing & Drain. You know when somebody’s full of shit when you ask them about an item you need clarification on, and they just talk and talk and talk about everything EXCEPT the issue.

I don’t know if anybody’s going to give a clogged can about this, but here’s what I want to share.

GET YOUR BIDS IN WRITING. We had a verbal bid of $500 to $700. Final bill was almost $1000. After checking the reviews online, this looks like what this company does. Verbal Bid, Actual over-bill. So if the model is to come in way over the bid, just up your bid so you don’t have blowback when people ask why you’re way TF over your original bid. Makes you look like you don’t know what you’re doing, outside of causing issues.

I know “shit happens,” in work and business. Time runs short, overruns on materials, etc. But when you overbill by $100, and add a guy to stand around and watch you swear for another $100, that’s shit you’re causing, not the happening of the shit.

I get why people have issues with the repair and trade industries. I’ve had contractors demo a bathroom and try to bilk a couple extra hundred out of me, likely due to a gambling problem. Once had a team do great work except for one of them stealing a $500 watch on their last day. This distrust is one reason why people go the DIY route, but all the same, there’s a point when you’re suddenly watching a shell-game happen. When somebody answers your concise question with a drawn-out response riddled with unrelated details (we have good reviews!, a high satisfaction rating!, my socks match!), you’re getting the run-around.

I’m already resigned that we won’t be getting any money back on an overbilling issue. But I’ve also included their integrity as part of the equation. I have moments where I miss integrity, I’m sure. So maybe it’s a karmic back-up throwing some shit my way. At least I know who not to call. I’ll handle this myself.

August 6, 2018 0

KeySmart Product Review: Sleek, Stylish, Slow

If you don’t have time to get to the meat of this, here’s the final judgment:
Cool little gadget, but I’d rather have my money back. Didn’t gel for me.

I have a few jangly keys in my rotation that I use on a regular basis. The amount of room they took up on the rings, plus a few extraneous membership ID tags from businesses and the county library, caused quite an unsightly, uncomfortable pocket-lump. And I wanted to smooth that issue out as best I could. I got one of those Cool Item Offer Emails-de rigueur one morning and there was a key-taming solution: KeySmart. And it was ON SALE! Thank you, Cookie-logging Data-gathering Online Shopping gods!

So I bought one, the red one, so I could start slimming up my key ring, and come roaring into a world of thinner key configurations and numerous configurations adapatable to my lifestyle! HELL YES. And when it arrived, I was pretty amped. So I got to work on it. I bought the slimmest one because I was determined to narrow down my keys to what I actually use on a daily basis. That’s 4 keys, not including the chipped ignition key for my boss ride (2000 Accord PAID-FOR STRAIGHT CASH WHUUUUT). And no membership cards.

After the first 24 hours of use I thought I had done something wrong. I mean, it’s a gadget, a thing that addresses, but doesn’t necessarily SOLVE, a problem, so maybe I wasn’t in the flow of maximizing this thang.
The keys I needed were tucked neatly away, but nearly inaccessible with one hand (think: carrying bags up to the front door, need to put ’em down). It looked cool, this pocket-knife-like key organizing implement, but, uh… I couldn’t easily access the most-used keys (home, office, cabinets) because, well… they were neatly tucked away in the KeySmart. After a month of use I have gone back to my Middle Earth “ONE RING TO HOLD THEM ALL, AND IN MY POCKET BIND THEM” usage, but at a greatly reduced quantity. The KeySmart is outta the rotation, and maybe I can use it for something else.

PROS: Slim, good look, expandable, accesssories, capacity restricts extraneous key holding.
CONS: Can’t one-hand a key if the end-screws are snug, kinda pricey ($15-$40 for the Titanium model), restrictive return policy (send it back unopened)

June 10, 2015 0

If you’d like to see how quickly the civilized world is degrading, look no further than the Comments section of any on-line local news story. What starts as a forum for community members to express their opinions of how much clothing a barista needs to wear, quickly spirals into political pissing-matches, name-calling, race-baiting, Obama bashing, and general dumbassery. It’s the kind of language that if used in a public place across a table would get the speaker either removed from that city council meeting and/or punched in the face many times. Many, many times.

For example, after reading this article about a man arrested for cutting into safes and being caught, here is one of the comments… Is it about the detectives? The criminal? Let’s find out!!!

Thats why I read the story. Wasn’t anything near a safe. Maybe sheeple boxes, but definitely nothing I would have much less use for storing anything but crap in.

Keyboard Badasses. Qwerty Warriors. Internet Assassins. Trolls. This dude’s lettin’ people know ain’t nobody gonna do nothin’ to his safe that’s not a piece of crap no-how.
The anonymity of the internet allows people to express, at times, a linguistic acuity within a spectrum of “skull half-full of sloth vomit” to “prison-educated neo-Nazi.” And it’s all because we gave people with access to the internet a “voice” via the Comments section. And that’s how we’re using it. #ApocalypseNowPlease

But lately there’s a growing genre of internet input that I am calling full “BULLSHIT” on. It’s the “Epically Hilarious Customer Review,” which started, I think, with the Amazon reviews of the Bic “For Her” pens. The reviews took a sarcastic tone early on, and for good reason. While Bic aimed at a pretty pen women would enjoy, the interwebs took it to a new level, submitting reviews such as this one from “Amy O’Rourke:”

“For years I had dreamed of penning a masterpiece and yet, when it came to that blank piece of paper the harsh offensive masculinity of the pen was just too intimidating. Finally it seems someone has actually considered what it is like to be female in this cruel world and how easily our little minds can be intimidated and denied the opportunity to do our life’s work. Five stars. “

And this one… from a”daveyclayton:”
“I bought this pen (in error, evidently) to write my reports of each day’s tree felling activities in my job as a lumberjack. It is no good. It slips from between my calloused, gnarly fingers like a gossamer thread gently descending to earth between two giant redwood trunks.”

Right… Because lumberjacks use parentheses and words like “gossamer thread gently descending…”

Now comes the Haribo Sugarless Gummy Candy reviews.
Sugar-free candy is loaded with an artificial sweetener like a sugar alcohol, which is a solidified, probably indigestible form of the gas kinda like your intestinal flora create when it can’t digest something properly. Primes the pump for some serious issues in the back of the factory. If you like to fart, I mean like LOVE TO FART… I mean like “Competitively Fart”… eat some sugar-free ice-cream the night before a road trip with a friend. You’ll set a record for decibels and oxygen displacement.

So the reviews start off with a few funny ones, then somebody went all-in, and it got a little viral heat on the web. Then people went batshit and piled on and WOW, all of a sudden the internet is not only full of people who have a real gift for literarily expressing bodily functions, but THEY ALL SEEMED TO HAVE EATEN THE EXACT SAME CANDY WITHIN A FEW DAYS OF EACH OTHER… ? Is that possible?

Does a sugar-free gummi bear make you shit in the woods?
That’s why you gotta soak ’em overnight in tequila. Pfff… amateurs. Go back to your parent’s insurance coverage, noob.

Call me a buzzkill, a jerk, a loser, a pooh-poo’er, a handsome-as-hell-despot-of-backlashing-to-attempts-at-comedy, I don’t mind.
But here-forthwith, I put into this internet record a declaration on all “Hilarious, Epic, Embarrassing, Overly-Detailed Product Reviews” as BULLSHIT.

Please leave a comment.

January 30, 2014 0

The Time I Met Adam Carolla

A few years ago, about 3+ now, I met Adam Carolla at Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland, WA. As a comedian and near deviant in my early 20’s, the work of Adam and Dr. Drew on “LoveLine” was a life-saver. Not only that, Adam’s humor and sensibilities match, and often surpass, my own. When I heard he was coming to my home club I immediately did everything I could to help facilitate the evening. And naturally I didn’t want to act like a total dumbass because Adam’s like the older brother a lot of us wish we had or needed.

Fast-forward to a few things Adam has said about his life and that night in particular.

1) Adam’s wife once told him, paraphrasing, that he has a way of “Bringing out the idiot in people,” I heard this years after the night I’m writing about, but it rang true that night. As part of Adam’s weekend, he was going to jaunt across the parking lot from the club to a bar called the Liquid Lime, wherein he’d sign autographs, take photos, and then try to beat it back to the club a mere 70 yards away. Instead of walking out the front door, or walking all the way from the club to the Lime via the backdoor, I was asked to drive Adam and Mike August, his road manager, over in somebody else’s 1990 Camry. So I did.
Cut to IDIOT TIME.
I gotta get Adam back to the club so we all head out the car which is parked right in the front of the Lime. I’m 8 steps ahead of them so I can unlock the car, open doors, and get back around the comedy club and drop ’em off. First I need to unlock the…
I need to unlock the Camry… Stupid button… What the… Unlock the …
I pushed the button, held the button, etc for about 10 seconds which is an eternity in the world of Adam’s Efficiency Sphere. At which point I hear what equates to “Nevermind, dumbass, I’ll walk.” It was actually “Hey, I’ll just walk.” The Idiot had been brought out. And I don’t think Adam’s being an asshole at this point, it’s just embarrassing and he’s just a guy who would rather not deal with speedbumps, and it ain’t personal.

So I manually unlock the car, alarm goes off, we get in hastily and I hit the button to unlock it and stop the alarm.
The alarm stops, I start it up and we go.

As we enter the back of the club I hand the keys back to the owner of the Camry, a guy who’d been hired as “Security” for the night. Nice enough guy. I say “Your unlock ain’t workin’,” and he goes, “Oh yeah, I heard the alarm! HA HA HA I should’ve told you it was broken.” Yeah. You should’ve.

2) Adam has referred to this particular weekend as a gauntlet, which went from I think 4 shows to a whopping 9 shows over 3 nights. He’s just so damn popular people wanna get close to him, and Laughs was exactly the spot to get close. Adam’s a worker, a do-er, and this was a weekend that put everything else I’ve done to shame. 9 shows, 90min at a go, on-stage alone. Fuggin’ amazing. Since then he’s only done bigger venues and fewer shows for more money, deservedly-so. It’s a great model to follow; if you can get to the same audience with less repetition, you’re not working harder, you’re working smarter. And less. And that’s good. No need to burn out making people laugh. Truly a hard working entertainer and philosoteur.

They say “Never meet your heroes,” because the shine’ll come off the bust. Not true. Adam’s a dude doing what he does, and great at it. I haven’t hit the Bucket List item with Adam, which is getting invited to Jimmy Kimmel’s Football Sundays and catch a Mangria buzz. But until that happens, we’ll always have a fritzed car alarm story.

November 22, 2013 0

The Hairs Of My Chinny-Chin-Chin and neck and shoulders sometimes

Guys… seriously….

Dollar Shave Club.
I know, I reviewed razors before. I did that before I knew of Dollar Shave Club.

I got signed up this year as part of my Father’s Day Gift Bag, which included some DSC’s “Dr. Carver’s Shave Butter“ (it’s not butter, it’s better, it’s boss), and some “One Wipe Charlies,” the Butt-wipe For Men (it’s a butt-wipe, it’s better than a hand towel). I am set up for the cut-down of my face hair. Hell, I’ll go to the back of my neck and shoulder area, probably even my fundercarriage with this blade sitch.

THESE BLADES DON’T CARE WHERE THE HAIR STARTED, IT’S ABOUT TO BE DEPARTED (just came up with that COPYRIGHT TRADEMARK HASHTAGMAKINGMONEY)

Using “The Executive” blade (6 of ’em!) I’ve found shaving to be a somewhat sublime experience. For $9 a month (compared to the $15 most Luxurious Blades go for at your drug’s store sans coupon) I get 4 blades. Auto-sent and auto-billed, and YES, you can ratchet-back the frequency if you’re like me and don’t shave every day because you’re almost 40 and wanna show the world you’ve got Edge, man, you’ve got moxie!

And it’s smoooth. The blades + butter confluence produces an easy-glide hair removal process so easy I’m almost convinced I’m doing it wrong. But I’m NOT.
So, YES, get your facial hair under a slather of Dr. Carver’s Shave Butter, buy-load-and-go with the blade of your choice, and when you’re done horsing-out a stillborn food-baby, go dry-wipe, ONE WIPE CHARLIE, dry-wipe and get on with your day.

Also, give ’em your business because they have fantastically funny promotional videos.

Shit, Butt-shower, Shave; DOLLAR SHAVE CLUB

(Dollar Shave Club has not and probably will not pay me for this critique, but I’m still using their products any way I see fit on my face, shoulders and fundle)

August 13, 2013 0

ADD’ing It Up – Alpha Brain, NOW Foods, and Hope

I may have ADD. I’m pretty sure I can’t chalk up the numerous side-steps and half-done projects of my life to being distracted by others all the time. Some of these loose ends are perhaps my nature, but some of them are things that, left undone, leave me worse-off. A lack of focus, or a compulsivity to anti-work, combined with a desire to really, truly WANT to finish something is a fantastic step towards the maddening of everybody who depends on me in some way. Like Family and Work, you know… no bigs. New baby, longer commute, less sleep, oh yeah, recipe for success, folks.

Whatever level of ADD I have, however it’s categorized, isn’t like a form of mental illness, for me. There’s a point of medication a “crazy” person can take that dials down the crazy to a level where they can function as a person, but perhaps not a spouse or parent or friend. I feel for those people, having seen my own father lose a battle with dementia at too early an age. I’m not crazy; more like my brain runs 10,000 RPM most of the time, and it’s shooting sparks and ideas and things I ought to go do, but nothing is there to put it in gear. That’s where my new adventure comes in. I am positive and happy that a lot of people in our lives have a cocktail of brain chemicals that are better off stirred with a little extra shot of this-‘r-that. But that’s not where it stops, in the doctor’s office.

The past few months have been somewhat cleaner, mind-wise. First, I was turned on to something called “Alpha Brain” via Joe Rogan’s tweets. I’m skeptical of most things, but imagine playing a game of bumper cars with your ideas every day. DO THIS, I’M DOING THIS RIGHT AFTER I DO THIS, BUT FIRST I’LL DO THIS AND THAT WILL BE THERE LATER… what was I going to do again? Then just a period of unproductive screen staring. Go into a room to get the laundry. Clean the room. Forget the laundry.
Seriously, this cannot be just boredom with life. Plus there was a feeling as if I had a fog, a layer of fuzz in the middle of my head that was like the fog of a hangover without the pain. I feel most days like my brain is holding its breath all day. So when I saw Alpha Brain, I was willing to try anything. Plus it’s a natural supplement. I can’t be staunchly anti-pharma when trying to medicate myself back to normal wavelength, but I do believe that Nature holds a cure for nearly every human ailment. And holy shit, folks, Alpha Brain is the REAL DEAL. The fog was gone. The acuity was razor. The 3-steps-ahead thinking was automatic. I’m not talking “Limitless” starring Bradley “A-List Ass All Day” Cooper, but the closest I’d ever get. I have a few Alpha Brain left for some of my more important days coming up. $35 plus shipping.

It was a bit pricey for me to keep re-upping at the time, so I researched NOW Foods, and found 2 of their supplements close to what Alpha Brain delivered. First, Brain Elevate, and also, True Focus. Natural supplements, not loaded with lab-borne items.But the cocktail of BE and TF have served me very well in the past 2 months. Most days I’ll take 2 BE and a TF in the morning with water and a cup of coffee. There’s not only a focus but also a calmness; I’m not buzzed, I’m just There. No panic, no mental ping-pong. Focused and cognisant of what I’m supposed to do. True, this is a medicated version of me, and probably a laconic one. But I’ve also performed comedy after “dosing,” and I’ve never felt sharper or more in-gear than those sets. Total investment, $22 through www.Netrition.com.

So now I’m about to start trying something called Concerta, a.k.a. Methylphenidate. Yeah, this stuff costs $153 on my Aetna plan, thanks a ton for the NoPremium/HighDeductible plan! Concerta may help me a bit better or worse than where I am. It may zone me out. It may dial me in. I don’t really know. But for $153, it either has to work all the way or I’ll be incredibly pissed off. This is a prime example of why BigPharma is going after supplement companies in Congress. See the giant gap in the Supplement Price vs. Concerta? $100 less for all-natural ingredients. Still not sure I’m gonna go on this stuff. I fear mostly the zombie effect that these drugs can throw into the day. If anybody has any experience with it, lemme know. For the most part I feel as happy and dialed-in as ever without something like this, not knowing how strong it is.

But I ain’t losing sleep over it.

January 8, 2012 10

Diaper Genie II Review

In the movie Ghostbusters, the heart of the operation is really the Ectoplasmic Containment Unit. Some would argue it’s Annie Potts character Janine, or even Dana Barrett’s neighbor Louis, played to the understated hilt by Rick Moranis. But no… it’s the ECU. The ECU holds all of the captured apparitions, ghouls, and roamers captured by the gang. Until Walter “Dickless” Peck from the City shuts the show down.

ECU-pre-Dickless — You can get a shitload of diapers in here.

Akin to the ECU is the Diaper Genie 2. It uses a footpedal-top door-capture&drop system to receive and deposit diapers of various fill levels/matter. From the super-peeped to the lagging loader, it can swallow up almost anything you toss down it. Beware… there are two pieces to the DG – and thus, a greater expense is incurred. We were given a DG as a gift, and basically have to pay for the bags every month. Special bags. Bags that you couldn’t possibly replicate with something from the grocery store.

SlopDrop — DiaperGenie II, as used by Thing Addams

The DG has a proprietary bagging system that starts at the top with a sort of bag-sphincter. The plastic extends from within the sphincter, ties-off to become a bag, and then drops down below the diaper air-lock. The top of the DG opens, you drop the diaper into the chamber which is about the size of a coffee can, then release the footpedal. That allows the dipe to drop into the abyss of the DG, effectively packing a deeper and tighter “poop sausage.” Bags’ll run you about $7-$9 depending on where you buy ‘em. We’ve found good deals at Target. We’ve also found some weird accents and smells at Target. Onward.

So here’s the issue. The idea of the DG’s crapper-keeper is to allay the onslaught of hours & days-old dipe odors. Those can range from warm canteloupe to a box of blood-soaked peanuts from the Civil War. The solid-food days of the toddler’s diet are the creators of epically weird poops. Into diapers go said poops. Said dipes go into said Genie.

And when you rub that lamp, SIM SALAABIM… The Diaper Genie comes out and grants you 3 wishes, all of which are “MAKE IT STOP BECAUSE MY EYESOCKETS ARE BURNING!” Also known as “The Ghost Of Breakfast Past,” the DG upper-chamber traps all the up-waft of the dipe-loads of the deep. You pop that top and get an odiferous uppercut of kid butt. I’d rather a Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man threaten my high-rise.

So, between the cost of the Genie, the bags, and the lingering gross-ghost, I’d pass on the Diaper Genie. Beware to all who rub the lamp. Frankly I find it weird poop just keeps going from one hole to another, unless you work in corporate America, where it all rolls down the aisle of your cubicle… Another time…

October 30, 2011 0

Men’s Razors Cut Down To Size – Review

I got to the point recently where I just wasn’t shaving a lot. It’s not like I was walking the path to indie-coffee barista town, and wasn’t planning on playing a didgeridoo at any point. Nope, just the daily “meh” associated with shaving. I’d clean up the neck and leave the face pretty undone for 3-5 days. My wife wasn’t a fan, mostly of the prickliness, and sometimes because it made me act like a prick thinking I was all beardy and lumberjacky. Honestly though, every bearded guy under the age of 50 just makes me think “bassist in shitty animal-named band.”

But I had to do something about it. I tried a lot of razors, and after about the 4th one that I finally LOOOOOOOOOVED, the root cause was simple:

I didn’t shave because every razor I was using didn’t “do it” for me. So here’s my take on the 4 razors I was using, and why I settled on one.

My skin type: Fair, average (not oily, not dry), no acne, not prone to ingrown hairs. Not a tough beard, either.
Cream/Gel: Edge Shave Gel. I use the orange/sensitive skin type.

Razor #1: Old Spice High Endurance Razor (couldn’t find the link on the Old Spice site)
Blades: 3
Rating: 6/10 – Wouldn’t buy again, but no cuts, scarring, or danger.
Review: Picked up a 4-bagger on sale because I’m on a budget. $4.99 for 4 was fine by my wallet.
The handle has a weird grip to it. Like it could flip vertical at any moment, rather unsettling when dragging a razor down the face.
After the 2nd use, I was resigned to using these razors on my back instead of my face. At least a rock tee would hide the skin irritation. The cut wasn’t very smooth nor complete. After hitting a 2-day growth I felt like I was about 3pm of a 5 O’clock Shadow. I’d use these in a pinch and threw one in my travel kit. Still have 1 left for an emergency back shave.

Razor #2: Schick Quattro Titanium Disposables
Blades: 4
Rating: 7/10 – Would buy again but not if others are available and similar price.
Review: More isn’t always better. In comparison, this was a pretty good razor on a budget. I don’t invest a lot of dough into razors because I don’t live a life of needing to be super-slick all the time. But this was a good bag o’ cutters. Got the hair handled, but a slight afterburn. Skin felt tight, neck wasn’t real clean. Didn’t do it for this fair-skinned fella.

Razor #3: Gillette Custom Plus 3 Disposable
Blades: 3
Rating: 9/10 – Good on the face and the wallet.
Review: Price varies on this from store to store. BUT, this has been my go-to for a long time. For some reason, the 2 places I had purchased it in the past weren’t stocking it for 3 months, and that’s just too long to go without. When I can get these, I get these. On sale, great. If not, hey, not a bank-breaker at about $7/4. Each one lasts about a week if you shave every day. I don’t, so they last me about 2 weeks.
Great cut, good grip. Neck was good, trim head got under the schnozz. Highly recommended!

Razor #4: Schick Hydro 5
Blades: 5 (coincidence?)
Rating: 9.5/10 – The Private Jet of store-bought razor cartridges
Review: Having forgotten my razor on a family trip, one of these was available at the concierge desk as a sample/gift. I love this razor. The handle is balanced with a good grip and look. The cartidges have a good skin gel that doesn’t go goopy after 3 shaves. This ain’t a cheap cutter, nor are the carts, but damn if this isn’t worth it. If you have to shave often, this is the one to go with. Don’t ruin your face. Do the right thing and get this razor. Even the 3-blade version is a treat.
Only down-side is the cart is a bit too large to really clean-up under the nose. Other than that, this thing’s the luxury car of razors.
And yes, I’ve used the Mach everythings.

So there ya go. Enjoy trimming that beard up to a status of either “First Day on the New Job” or “Puerto Rican 3rd-Base Outline.”

September 12, 2011 1

Category: Review