Writing Wrong #1

There’s a challenge out there to write every day in November, and seeing as how my last post was a cookie recipe before the FBI started bringing people in, I suppose I should do something.

I have a joke in my act about the “Assisted Suicide” law in Washington state. I suppose it’s not a “law,” you don’t HAVE TO do it, as if there was a Yelp-like site where enough people could all post reviews of why it’s your time and they’re happy to help. It’s legally labeled as the “Death With Dignity Act.” You can take advantage of a medically-evaluated, doctor-assisted, relatively peaceful exit from this mortal plane. So, if you’re in a state of incurable pain, or terminal illness which a health insurance racket/provider will drain you financially for, or you’ve been convinced by a few family members, you can take up this option.

First, there are a lot of ways to make your exit. This is a very clean and controlled one. I think if you had a real friend, they’d probably talk you out of this, but more on that later. This has too many possible breakage points. For example, out of 234 people who took this option in Washington state in 2016, there were 4 participants that did not align with a death certificate. Did they live? What happened? Because if you think you’re going to finally receive the painless embrace of Eternal Sleep, and wake up groggy with all that illness hammering away in you, well I’d surely be writing quite the letter to my doctor.

The doc would be pretty shocked, I imagine, seeing you in the waiting room looking pretty good for a dead person. I’d be telling everyone in the waiting room “Oh really, you have a headache for 3 days? Good luck, this guy – YEAH, YOU, TIM – couldn’t even kill me last Saturday. YES, Carol, I am a walk-in because I didn’t think I would NEED TO MAKE A FOLLOW-UP APPOINTMENT FOR MY DEATH.”

Plus, there are far better, more majestic exits to take. I suggest doing it near your place of employment, like on a Tuesday, to give your friends a few days off to grieve and get paid. Don’t hoard it all in a comfy robe in the guest room.

  1. Human Catapult + Live Heavy Metal Band.


That’s all I got. I guess “dignity” is different for everyone. Anyway, be well.

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Eat It! Protein Cookies

Power Cookies

          As a young boy growing up in Federal Way, I would often spend my time in the woods behind my friend’s house, riding my cobbled-together BMX-style bike up and down the trails. Jimmy and I would spend hours in our imaginations, fighting aliens and powerful villains with names like MORDOK and RYAN BRINGLEY. My bike wasn’t as fancy as some of the other kid’s bikes, because the one my dad bought me for my birthday was stolen and later trashed and recovered from a swamp behind Jimmy’s house. I had a pretty good idea who had taken it, but at 6 years old I was in no position to fight an 11 year-old and win. So if they ever hit their knee on something in the middle of the night or lose $500 at a poker game and their wife leaves them, good.

          I came up with this variation of whey protein cookies because my kids just don’t seem to get nearly enough protein in their daily intake. They’ll only eat, and we’ll only cook, so much chicken and shrimp and salmon and hand-rubbed, grass-curious red meats. Chicken nuggets can only go so far.

o   This is just a supplemental “treat” for kids. My dudes go through runs of picky eating, then back to consuming anything they can find that doesn’t smell too much like a Romanian’s [deleted, gross].

o   There’s not enough protein in these, I don’t think (didn’t get in to Doctor’s Food School), to get your kid, or you, super jacked nor ripped. Those are actually good things in the fitness world, but it’s more important to have a consistent routine of self-acceptance and moderate-to-chill exercise to keep stress down.

          I don’t use sugar in these, but I don’t judge if you want to. Brown sugar works best as it adds a little more liquid via the molasses content.

          Chocolate chips have sugar. Yes. You got me there. Alert the fitness world. Cancel my membership. I’ll be in Pseudo-foodie blogger rehab during this difficult time, please respect my privacy.

          There are 2 variations around the protein and “flours.”

o   I’ve used both Whey Protein and Vegan protein for these.

o   These aren’t Vegan cookies in either finished-state. I know there are egg substitutes for people adhering to a vegan lifestyle but no vegans appeared in my kitchen to tell me what those are, so here ya go.

o   The proteins absorb liquids differently, so the recipes are slightly different. Just go with it.

          These are pretty soft, cake-like cookies. This is because they’re not COOKIES in the classic sense. If that bothers you, you can email my customer relations department at GetAHobby@gblottpowercookies.com.

          This makes about 12 palm-sized cookies, 20 smaller cookies, or 1 gloriously-gluttonous cookie bomb.


1.      Butter – 2/3C (softened)

a.      Or –  2/3C Coconut Oil.

b.      Reduce oven temp by 25deg, as the oil could cause burning

2.      Eggs – 2

3.      Milk/Liquid – 4Tbsp

a.      I’ve used Almond, full-fat coconut, whole milk, and heavy cream. They’re all great.

b.      I once used 2Tbsp of sour cream to see what would happen and IT WAS GREAT, so there’s an option.

4.      Vanilla – 1tsp

5.      Banana – Pureed – about 3/4C.

a.      Use a green-er banana to up the resistant starch and help the gut bugs.

b.      Applesauce can also be used, but it’s not as sweet.

6.      Stevia-blend – 2Tbsp.

a.      Pure stevia is a little “earthy” for some people. The blends of stevia work well. You can use Xylitol or similar substitutes depending on your gut tolerance (i.e. sugar alcohol-based sweeteners can cause the kind of gas only little boys find to be hilariously epic).

b.      You can add or substitute 3Tbsp sugar here. No judging.

7.      Protein powder – 2/3C.

a.      I’ve used Orgain Chocolate 95% of the time. It’s a vegan powder with a good balance of amino acids, but is a bit higher in carbs due the vegetarian sources of protein. The upside is there’s more fiber to this.

b.      Orgain also needs a little more liquid added than the whey protein.

c.       MusclePharm makes a great chocolate powder and a great cookies & cream powder, depending on if you want brownie-like cookies, or vanilla-based.

8.      Flour – 1/2C.

a.      I use Bob’s 1:1 GF flour. There are a lot of good ones, but I did find the more commercially-known the flour, the less-great the tastes. 

b.      Bean-based flours give bean-based results…

c.       I haven’t used just a nut-based flour for these, but you could. The higher fat content might cause scorching, so watch your temp and bake time.

9.      Baking Soda – 1/4tsp

10.  Salt – 1/4tsp

11.  Baking powder – 1/4tsp (optional, makes it a little fluffier)

12.  Chocolate Chips – 1/3-1/2 C

a.      Check the label for ingredients to match your dietary needs.

13.  Optional

a.      Pumpkin pie spice, cinnamon, bacon bits (yep), etc.


DO WORK – This is pretty much old-fashioned cookie-making from here on… The only thing to look out for is when adding the dry ingredients, the vegetarian protein and GF flour can suck up liquids pretty quickly. Have a little extra milk of your choice on hand.

          Heat oven to 350

          Mix ingredients 1-5 with a hand mixer. It might be a bit more soupy than you’re expecting. You’ll be fine. Do some air squats.

          Grab a good spatula and warm up your elbow.

o   (no, it’s not “Masquerade Night” at the neighbor’s house)

          Combine your dry ingredients in a bowl.

          Add half of your dry ingredients and keep stirring and folding.

o   You’ll know pretty quickly if you need more liquid, depending on how fast the dry stuff starts absorbing the wet.

o   Add about 1Tbsp if you need more.

o   Getting dry? With the veg powder, add more of that. It will add flavor, protein, and sweetness.

o   With whey powder, add half + half GF flour. Whey doesn’t always mix well with these other things to firm up.

o   Add the rest of the dry ingredients.

o   Add milk as needed to keep it in between cookie dough/cake batter. Thicker is better.

          Fold in however many chocolate chips you haven’t eaten.

          Take a spoonful and plop it in a coffee mug or small bowl.

o   Microwave that for about 30sec.

o   Let it cool down. Take a taste to check what you need at this point.

o   Sweeter? Sprinkle 1Tbsp of stevia.

          If you’re good widdit, get a baking sheet!

          Drop spoonfuls of dough on the sheet. You can use parchment paper or lightly grease the sheet, but a dry sheet seems to work fine.

          Keep your cookies about the size of a hockey puck.

o   They are kind of filling, which is part of the point.

Set the timer on your phone, tablet, and fitbit for 10min. Check the cookies at 10min.

Touch it. Does it spring back in the middle? TAKE THEM OUT RIGHT NOW and let them cool down.
No spring? Give it about 2min, then take them out.

Again, I tried to find something to add to a pretty healthy food map my kids travel that would add protein and the benefits of it. They don’t usually have any sugar-related behavioral swings, digestive issues (other than a good “clearing”), nor turned-up noses with these. 


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Dad Bod, Rad Bod




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A few years ago our society had reached the pinnacle of socio-economic & educational efficiency, having fed every hungry child and guaranteed their learning proficiency to be among the highest-ranked nations in the world. So with all that extra time on our hands, somebody coined the term “Dad Bod.” 

This label was apparently vital to the zeitgeist of shape-focused American Fitness Thoughts, to help define an otherwise-undefined man-body, that was somewhere between “Elite Road Construction Worker” and “Can Handle 2+ Hours At A 78F Farmers Market.”

The Dad Bod is a body form with the following characteristics:

  • ·         Not overly-fat, like, not obese.
  • By no means thin, like, not a skinny-skinny guy.
  • ·         Muscular deposits in some areas, but not consistent from top to bottom.
  • ·         Lack of mid-sectional parallelism; a bit+a bit more of a belly.
  • ·         Bearded, or beard-curious. (see: “Lumbersexual”)
  • ·         Was likely an active athlete at some point in his life.

More Seth Rogen than Joe Rogan. (I’ve met them both and they’re awesome)
More “Parks & Rec” Chris Pratt than “everything since then” Chris Pratt. (I love Chris)

Got it? Good. Let’s move on.

So then some folks came out and said, “Yo… not so fast, Mr. Not-That-Fat! Don’t think this is healthy, or a good look for men. Guys might fall into the gray area of being ‘skinny-fat,’ or some other thing we here at Abs Equal Immortality magazine, sponsored by Supplements For Your 15% Bodyfat Fat-Ass, and Gluten-Free Goodies; The Only Online Store With 100% GF Bakery Items.” 

Wow… Okay… so…

·         I had a body I was okay with. A work in progress, always, with different intentions.

·         Some strangers with nothing to do labeled the body type I tend to carry around.

·         Some other strangers came out and told me that it’s not a body to be okay with, while side-noting they have the cure for what ails me.

·         And the feelings I had inside, the confusion, the incredulity, the “Your order of breakfast dicks is ready,” the moments of re-examining my struggles, and the anger… I had but a glimpse of how it must feel to be a woman.

No wonder women are so angry, all the shit thrown at them about their careers, looks, friends, sexuality, fashion… good lord…

I have 2 kids in elementary school. I work full time. I coach sports. I have a house to clean. I have friends to hang with. I have blogs to start writing and forget about. Sure, I could have abs and 12% bodyfat.

Or else most of everything else in my life that I love can just go on-hold until people I don’t know, nor care about, accept my body. Not that I’m not up for a challenge.

Something to ponder while I warm-up for this super-set of Goblet Squats, Bent Rows, Dips, and a ChocolateThunder Blizzard.

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Coaching the Little Things, Part2

We finished up our flag football season a few weeks ago, and it was by far the most fun I have had as a new coach. I discussed what a bonehead I had been following a game, wherein I couldn’t allow more time for celebration with my Son-1. That was a big learning moment for me, just letting kids inflate and relate to their accomplishments however they like – within reason – and reinforce the positives of what got them there.

We finished 4-2-1 and #2 in our league, and that was a scrappy record to achieve. Most games are blow-outs. There are usually a couple kids on a team who are just a step faster than the other team’s fastest kid. We had 2 of those guys. And 3 other absolute scrappers who would run down anything close to them. But scoring in flag football at the kid level is from a little mis-direction and a cut-back and ZOOM, there goes #9 AGAIN.

We won a game by driving down the field in the last 3 minutes on 7 plays and scoring with 30seconds left. We tied up a game with 2 scores and stopped the other team on a long play.  We had some controversial plays against us (HEY REF, CHECK YOUR PHONE, LOOKS LIKE YOU MISSED A CALL), and since I can’t remember one going our way I am going to assume the other coaches won’t recall those plays, so… For a team of 6 & 7 year-old kids to just keep battling and going and listening to the message of “Keep working”, it was (oh boy… here come some tears…) heart-warming and encouraging to see how each player grew up and improved in 8 weeks.

We finished the season handing out medals from the league, and t-shirts I designed and made for just the team and coaches.  We then signed each other’s shirts with scribbles and pictures from the players, something more personal than the jersey and medals. The next day I talked to a player’s mom at school pick-up, and she remarked how much her son’s confidence had grown. He wanted to keep playing, working on his catching and throwing, and learning new plays. That’s really what this level is about, giving the kids an appreciation of PLAYING a game, making it FUN to play (cool plays and positive reinforcement help a lot), and reminding myself to keep it light.

Gotta renegotiate the contracts before next year, but I think we’re good. Have a meeting with the league to discuss missed calls and grade the refs, but other than that, gonna be a quiet off-season. Until soccer starts in August…

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Coaching The Little Stuff

I wrote recently about letting one of my kids quit playing a sport because of how little he enjoyed it, and how that was only being fed by a coach not trying to make it more fun for the players. These are kids. 6-7 year old boys who are naturally hyper and want to move a lot and do the glory stuff in the sport (hitting, catching TDs, driving the lane on Kaidon and dunking on his goofy ass in front of Caitelynne).  They don’t like doing the dirty work. But that’s where the professionals excel, the little stuff.

Experts master the little stuff to a point of muscle memory and contextual perfection. It might not look perfect every time, but the golf swing or the jump-shot or the omo plata, it’s all 2nd nature. But it has to start somewhere. And the best way to get kids to get used to doing the little stuff to the point that they pretty much master it is to make it a fun thing to do, and disguise it as a game.  Last week, at home, we started a contest to see how many footballs my son could catch, in a row, without dropping one.  He got to 21.  Then he was kinda burned out on it.  So we stopped.

Then we did a little bit yesterday before our flag football game, and he got to tell the team he caught 21 in a row. So now they’re all in to how many times they could catch it.  And bingo, we have a drill looking like a game.  We won 21-0 with 2 long runs and 1 long pass for TDs.  This was a different kid than the one 2 weeks ago who didn’t want to play football because he was scared of messing up.

But in moments of the game, I put my son at Center because he’s the best at snapping, and can catch in a crowd as a taller kid. On our 2nd to last play, I put him at Center to try and get a specific play to throw to him.  His face dropped. He broke eye contact. He said he wanted to play Running Back. We have a rule that if you ask to play a position, you won’t play that position. We tell the kids we put them in the places they do the best, and if we want to change it, the coaches have to agree. He called the huddle, snapped the ball, and kind jogged to his spot with his hands up.

After the game, on the way to the car, we had a talk about doing your best no matter where you end up, and how I put him at Center because he is best at starting the play and catching the ball in a crowd. He also got to play Receiver on a reverse that gained 14 yards.

And I started down a path of “You did great today, but…” and “Do you think there was something you could do better next week? I can help you with any skill you want to get even better at.” And it hit me… I’m alluding that he wasn’t trying that hard, and that he needs to be thinking about his performance… in a kid’s flag football game… and how he can improve. I stopped. Instead I told him what I really felt. That I was proud of his big run, of his flagging a kid who tried to spin away, and that he played great in spots he didn’t really want to play.


I was starting to make it “not fun” for him.  We won, and I’m still COACHING. Some kids get the fun of a sport from the Competition of it, playing with a fire that is fed when the play starts and comes their way, even at 5 years old and up. Other kids need motivation to stick with it but they flourish in their moments, and that’s really great to see.  Some kids are there as a social thing and they like playing with their buddies and that’s enough for them. And that has to be enough for me, too, as their coach, and especially as his dad.

So I told him, later on, that I would play him at Running Back next week if he practiced with me twice this week. And if he would practice twice and do all the games we practice without grumbling, I’d also get him a pack of Pokemon cards.

A BRIBE? No… Incentive. Pro athletes get them in contracts all the time for yards, attending off-season work outs, losing weight, etc.

For a kid who has his dad’s ability to do well at things he feels like doing well at – when the mood strikes him – I am hoping to instill some confidence in his own abilities, and it might take some incentivizing.  So why would I do it if it’s “just a kid’s game” and it’s “just for fun”?  Because I know what drives him. And it’s gotta be more fun for him, even if he doesn’t become a world-class flag football star, and instead is just an Agent for most of them.

And I needed to practice the little stuff – make it fun, pump up the positives, explain their success, encourage and reward EFFORT – more than twice this week.

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Time Travel

The past almost-6 months have been crazy in various ways.

Work-wise I as given a project that is like living with a demanding, under-medicated chimp. It could rip your arms off and eat your hands, or just kinda hang out and cuddle, READY HERE WE GO nope, all good.

Life-wise, we’ve had some vacations (LegoLand: We Hope You Like LEGOs All The Time!) ed. note: We do…. and some trips to the ER (on my birthday! for me!)… and some other life-lessons (don’t have a discussion about money the day after you buy expensive stuff).

Societally, I now know the politics of 78% of my kids’ classmate’s parents, and some of them are pretty surprising, if not downright frightening. Lotta people buying bunker supplies already. Not sure if I’m nervous or turned-on.

ANYway, I wanted to say that I’m sorry for not writing more. Between the Project, the Infection, and the Election, my life was all sorts of crazy. I feel like I aged from 38 to 43 in the past 3 months. But as I always try to do, the lessons I’ve picked up have been wonderful.  For example…

  1. Quitting Is Not An Option:  Look, sometimes, it sucks. Work. The day. This party. Stain removal from the party. Your kid’s friends. And I want to say F THIS S, and just stop doing what’s not fun and move on with whatever. But I don’t. I wake up, I thank G-d for another day to try to get it right, and I check “Didn’t Kill A Punk Bo-Hatch” off my list.  I can’t quit. I have bills.
  2. Quitting Is An Option:  Yes, you can chuck it all and bounce. You can. Your moral level-line likely keeps you from doing so, but yeah, you can escape. My older son quit coach-pitch baseball this season after 6 weeks. 3 of which were rained out.  3 games. 90min practices. And the coach, meh, he’s a great coach for 10 year olds. But not 6-7 year olds, like my son. And my kid’s happier, getting to focus on soccer and football and reading. And I got 8 hours of my week back.
  3. Apologetic Assertiveness: I’m not assertive unless what I’m dealing with is Wrong, on a moral, practical, or personally financial sense. I was called “a push-over” at work by somebody on another team, because I didn’t push back on a topic 3 other people had talked to death. When I remarked that any agreement and discussion on the call would have just been expensive noise, seeing as how we’re all being paid to talk instead of work on the problem we all agreed on, I don’t really care what he thinks of me. Then I had to assert myself when asked why so many people were in a particular meeting.
    1. Because the initial invite list was 8 people, and 3 of those people invited 2 other people (14 now), and 3 of those 6 invited 1 other person each (17 now), and 2 of them invited 2 other people (21).  And only 5 of the original 8 are even talking. So this went from a discussion to a weekend party when the parents are gone and everyone heard about it. Why don’t we ask the people who aren’t talking why they’re here?  (Silence)

So, yeah, I don’t dictate attendance, I just make the meeting go.

ANYwho, we’ll come back around to some stuff at some point.

The biggest news is that I’m down 20lbs from the start of the year, and my Flag Football team started the season with a 20-7 romp over the Northshore Vikings. So, things are good.

Thank you for reading. Anything I can write up for ya?

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The Energy Vampires Arise

Energy Vampires are people who leave you exhausted after you spend time with them.  I have a few in my life, some at work and some in regular world life.  The work EVs are the worst.  They don’t realize what they’re doing.  They can’t stop talking about things they have either ALL the knowledge about and steer conversations to those areas, or they have no idea what’s going on and spew opinions that are counter to what common sense and decency dictate (Election Season!).  They are in a constant state of near-panic, yet when somebody suggests that we’re going to get the work done and it’s no reason to freak out, OH WELL WHO IS FREAKING OUT I’M NOT FREAKING OUT AND IF I WAS FREAKING OUT I WONDER WHY YOU GUYS AREN’T FREAKING OUT…

Point, proven.
That shit gets old, fast. It starts off “weird” and tails off to “annoyingly tiring.” And usually, the EV’s – much like regular vampires – don’t see their reflection and so, can’t change it. They find any reason they can to turn up the tension, though it’s usually whatever’s going on within manifesting outwardly.  I was once stuck in a 30min car ride with one… 30 MINUTES… and it resolved itself soon after a 4-hour period of brisk walking and green tea.

I’ve had two pop up recently.  One at work, one in my personal life.  I’m positive I have been, and will probably be in the future, a bit of/an EV.  I can be a handful of weirdness if I ain’t slept much and get hungry.  I’m human and I would bet a bag of O-neg that I’ll have my own version of “Twilight” happening before Inauguration Day.

This blog, MindBodyGreen, has a great reference of EV’s, listing the various types… Anybody look familiar on here?

“Energy vampires can be your family, friends, clients, colleagues, teachers, neighbors, lovers, or even strangers. And they come in all types…
  • There is the blamer, who lays blame on everyone else without ever taking any responsibility. (Narcissists are some of the old-blood EV’s)
  • The guilt trippers use shame to get what they want. 
  • Jealous bees can never genuinely feel happiness for anyone else. 
  • Then there are the insecure ones, who pull others down to their level of low self-esteem. 
  • The fun haters seem unable to embrace joy. The bullies stomp on the little guys to elevate their egos.
  •  The Debbie downers, the whiners, the short-tempers, the gossipers, the drama queens, and the list goes on…”

I don’t have any real advice that isn’t covered in that blog, so if you’re vexed by such sucking of energy please visit that.  I have a few that I’m keeping an ear and eyes open for, psychological garlic in hand.  Stay strong out there.  Stay out of the shadows.

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Players Play, Parents Parent, Coaches Coach and Parent

I’m coaching my oldest son’s soccer team – U08 (6-7 year olds) – for a couple of reasons. I enjoy coaching. Like anything new, I wasn’t sure if I’d do well a few years ago when I got into coaching 3 year old at T-ball.  But there are many resources on how to work with kids of all ages and abilities and attitudes.  Mostly you just have to simplify communication, make it fun for the kids with games instead of drills, and let them be kids.  Also, work on their listening skills and encourage their effort instead of their results.  So, you know, like being a parent.

It’s also extremely rare that a parent jumps right in and volunteers to coach.  We work in and out of the house, there’s laundry (daily), meals, lunches, calls, work, family, parties, LIFE, it’s all our time, all the time.  How can I possibly fit in some coaching?  Well, here’s how… Like anything else in my life, it gets a spot.  It gets about 5 hours a week, 3 for practice and games, 2 for planning practices and communicating.  5 hours.  That’s it.  I am positive I have more time for bettering my coaching self, but I’m also the General Manager and Head Coach of a Fantasy Football team, the Kirkland QuietHours, so that needs its own attention.  Volunteering is hard when you don’t realize how much time you actually have.

I waited a few weeks after the notice of the roster and email list came out.  Nobody jumped in. Part of me knew I’d probably do it, but also I’m not a soccer whiz so I just hung near the back of the room.  Then I  hopped in.  I’ll hop forward now a bit, to last Saturday’s game, a “win” over the Jets (6-2, but we don’t keep score officially), running our scoring tally to 20-6 this season.  But we have fast players and talented dribblers, so I have to just keep them passing and moving.

One of the parents behind me was yelling at their son to get more involved during the game.  It’s distracting for the player because I’m getting them in one area, and their parent is yelling at them to do something else.  So that’s where the title of this blog came from.  If you’re a parent with a kid on a team and you’re not a coach, which is to say you haven’t gone to every practice and meeting and planning session and huddle, and you haven’t taken on the efforts of:

  1. Planning 2 hours of practices a week that keep kids interested, learning, and having fun
  2. Signed up the whole team’s parents for 10 weeks of snacks after games
  3. Communicated on a weekly basis with parents as a group and individually to make sure we know when practices are happening, and if their sons are enjoying it
  4. Placed orders for uniforms, then made 2 trips to the manufacturers offices when they screwed things up
  5. Talked with the league office about weird rules and changes to those
  6. Managing 8 family schedules for the best possible practice time and location against the league’s approved fields
  7. Had a background check
  8. Taken 2 hours of coaching clinics
  9. Watch a few hours of videos to find fun games for the kids to run instead of drilling them on repetitive, boring stuff
  10. Conduct practices with 8 boys who are jumping, yelling, burping, eating boogers, drawing faces in the dirt, and being BOYS!!!
  11. Getting the kids excited to play on a day when they could be home staring at tablets or cartoons, and managing their requests for playing time on a minute-by-minute basis…

… then just yell for your player from the sidelines and let the coaches coach.  We’ve earned the right to do supercede any parent telling their kid what to do over our shoulders.  Some kids already know where to go and what to do.  Some need a little redirection. And some are just gonna need more encouragement.  Parent them and coach them off the field.  We’re gonna do the rest, with the intent that we’re having fun, getting better, working hard, and respecting each other.  If that’s not good enough, go back through those 11 items and see how many of them you’ll happily do for the sake of kids having a good experience.  If it’s less than 10, just focus on washing the uniform and bringing some allergy-friendly snacks one time.

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Quitters Never Whine – Why I Let My Kids Stop Doing Everything

My youngest child has a vehement disdain for few things in life.  He’s usually got a song in his heart and hums a tune while building with LEGOs or battling with the foam LightSabers (no relation, no endorsement$) against his brother.  Nobody gets excited about the little joys of life than he does. At 4 years old, upon getting a cookie when we thought we didn’t have any, he shouted in his slightly abrasive boy-voice, “BOO-YAH! WE GOT REAL COOKIES FOR OUR FACES!”  He “gets” joy.  He lives to play, and learns a LOT while he does, usually with his older brother and the kids of-ages in between his and his brother’s (26 months older).

His disdain is saved for just a couple things.  Anything that involves slow movements with smaller kids is going to get stiff-armed.  He wants action and progress and commotion.  I get it.  He’s tried a few sports like tee-ball and soccer and karate.  When he was interested in karate he was greatly involved.  Jumping and punching and blocking.  Then he got tired of it and wouldn’t participate.

Here’s where some people say “Well take his butt out there on the mats and make him stay or there’s no cookie tonight!”  First off, thanks, that might work. Second, shut up.  Most parents try that, more than twice.  It might work.  But eventually you spend half a session goading your kid into doing something, then they MIGHT do it with no enthusiasm just for  a cookie.  And oh, you still pay full price for the session, so your bank account is the only thing getting kicked in the crotch.  So maybe there’s a correlation building between defiance, half-assed performance, and reward.  That’s not something I want my kids to understand until they get a job in Corporate Middle-Management.

This past weekend I quit, too.  I quit pushing him to do something he obviously doesn’t want to, resists attempting, and gets angry about being involved in.  I quit.  And it was glorious. Handing that oversized t-shirt back to the coach and saying “Not this year, coach. Maybe when he’s 5 or 6.  Have a good one, thanks for your effort!” was like a cloudy day after weeks of back-sweat-inducing heat.  The stress was gone, THE STRESS WAS GONE.  From all of us.  He lightened up, my wife lightened up, and we get 2 hours of our Saturdays back for the next 8 weeks.

Again, he’s not yet 5 years old.  There weren’t any teams for under-5’s when I was growing up. I wanted to play so bad by the time I was 6 that I slept in my uniform the night before any weekend game.  So if he doesn’t want to perfect his side-arm to first base, his foot placement on a basic front-kick, or changing direction mid-dribble on the pitch, THAT’S FINE. I can’t make him love any sport.  He’ll find what he wants to do and we’ll help build bridges and paths to those goals.  A wise man told me “You sometimes have to just pour the bucket out and follow the stream it creates.”  So we poured it out.  He doesn’t love soccer at 5.  That’s okay. There’s a lot of time left to get a sleeve of tattoos and learn to scream and flop when somebody gets too close to you. As long as he doesn’t embarrass me.


You gotta practice every day to get to this level of boring.

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Wisdom Of The WebAge

Ah, the memes of wisdom. What was once inked onto parchment with quill and mortared bone-black in liquid by the age-scarred hands of the Stoics, the Poets, Lovers, the Timeless Thinkers… now… oh, now it resonates in 4 different colors of 3 type-faces across a photo of a (overly-fished, polluted) oceanscape, reminding us that not only is Life a Fleeting Folly, but Also, It’s Friday, Yo, So Get Thee Into Thine Drinkin’ Britches!

Confucius, Mark Twain, Albert Einstein, Shania Twain, Oprah, Dr. Phil, Maya Angelou, and so-on, all have been credited with far more than they probably actually said.  Most of them weren’t even alive when the internet was around!  So, I’m kinda updating a few bits of wisdom based on today’s society and the unwise therein, and my experiences.

Old Saying: Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about, so be kind.
New Saying:  Be kind to everyone you meet, for they are fighting a battle you know nothing about, and you don’t wanna piss ’em off if they’re off their meds.

Old Saying: Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about, so be kind.
New Saying: Everyone you meet is fighting a battle; but that doesn’t mean they’re right.

Old Saying: People might forget what you said or what you did, but they will always remember how you made them feel.

  • New Saying:  People might forget what you said or what you did, but they will always remember how you grabbed their step-mom’s ass at your dad’s retirement party.
  • New Saying:  People might forget what you said or what you did, but they will always remember that you farted at their Grandma Edie’s memorial service.
  • New Saying:  People might forget what you said or what you did, but they will always remember that you “liked” but didn’t “retweet” something they thought was genius.

More to follow after I break some stuff…

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