Introvertically Challenged

Even with all my time on stages, performing stand-up comedy, I am an introvert.  Not painfully shy, nor anti-social, nor asocial. I do like to socialize. As much as anybody, i’ll hang out and have a drink(s) with anybody who is cool and fun to hang out with. And wouldn’t be mad that I ended that sentence with “with.”  But still, when there’s stuff to be done, or I’m not feeling the vibe, I bail to finish the stuff that needs doing.  This sometimes rubs people the wrong way.  They think I am not interested in their stories, or that I am surly, or maybe other stuff they haven’t vocalized.  Usually I step-out or turn-in so that I can finish my own thoughts and “stuff.”

Case in point… I’m managing a project at work to finish up some technical yadda-yadda.  My brain is active enough when I’m engaged with work, but when people around me are talking, I hear their words as well as what I’m trying express in an email or presentation.  Try singing a song with a different one blaring on the radio.  Now try it with 8 songs blaring.  That’s how my work set-up is.  So I have had to excuse myself… well, just got up and left… from the large conference room we’re calling home at the moment.  That’s just how my brain works.  Of course somebody else has to say “Well I can work with the radio going, windows open, dogs barking, wife yelling at me, no problem.”  Wow, you’re gonna die in a fire or from a monster attack there, Mr. FocusOlympics.  You must be so proud.

Anyway, I had to move.  I had to get this done, so I left the room for a spot 2 doors away.  In doing so, it wasn’t 30 minutes later that I, fully immersed in updating the work in front of me so that I could maybe get caught-up today, was interrupted twice.  I was not “updated” with important information.  Neither person asked after nor offered project-critical news.  I sat with my back to the office door, but I could hear their approaching steps and “Oh, there’s Lott.”  One guy did a great impression of a guy doing a horrible impression of Bill Lumbergh, the boss from “Office Space.”  The other guy said, jokingly, “Hey, do you not like us?  I think they think you’re antisocial!”

To which I responded, jokingly, “Oh come on, I like some of you, on a rotating basis.” Big laugh on that one. But come on… I’m funny.

Yeah_WebAnd introverts aren’t bad people.  Don’t confuse “reflective” for “introverted.” I am reflective, pondering, and thoughtful sometimes.  I think a lot of people do that, taking stock of the day, ruminating on the state of the True Detective franchise, thinking of what they’d do if they were on an episode of “CHOPPED” and had to save their own life with a dish.  I can stand on-stage in a room full of strangers and be comfortable and empowered, but I know that I know what I’m doing, and it’s a power-position in the room.  But off-stage, you put a half-drunk divorcee with a half-tooth and a tan that says “I drink outside a lot” in front of me with questions about my bit on Death With Dignity, and I’m scanning for an exit or friend to pass her off to.

So this surely bleeds through to my work life, I know that.  It’s always been this way. Probably fear of rejection or self-esteem issues.  Usually I just don’t have the “THING” that seeks engagement with people on a broad basis.  Forced into the situation, I fall back to being reticent, inquiring of others, and cracking small jokes.  This usually helps me relax and we all get along.

But if I have a deadline and a co-worker who eats in a manner reminiscent of a large working dog – I mean like a Mastiff, big-head breed – then I’m gone.  I see other people wondering if they might offend others if they leave the room.  Then I do it a few times, and the place begins to break up a bit. Not all are introverted, but at some point you just need to break off the noise and the blather, and get to the important stuff like writing a blog for the first time in forfuckingever.

And if I were on CHOPPED I’d probably die. They just don’t get the majesty of a well-seasoned tuna melt for one.

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Organic Chocolate Vegan Protein Pudding Recipe

I rarely post recipes here but wanted to share this one because it’s been a real life-saver for this newly Dairy-Free protein supplement junkie.

I first came across the magnificent valley of green bounty early in a hike up…
KIDDING.  Too many recipes have an overblown backstory of the author’s emotional attachment to locally-sourced berry compotes, but not me.  Won’t catch me rambling on about things that don’t feed the story. I hate that. Not “hate,” that’s a strong word I like to reserve for Hate Groups and people who dawdle in the line for samples at Costco.  MOVE ON WITH YOUR MINI-TACO, ya know?  Jeez.

OK, but, I came up with this randomly. I had a food sensitivity panel done and milk, dairy, and whey were all highly allergenic to my system, so I had to find a new protein supplement.
This mix comes out like a chocolate pudding/mousse.  It’s thick and has a chocolate cake-batter type flavor. I think the coconut cream adds a great smoothness to it, healthy-ass fats to keep fats off your healthy ass, and helps it firm up in the fridge.
My kids even like this, which is very rare.

  • Ingredients (here’s what I use, do what you like):
    Orgain Chocolate Protein Powder – 2/3 Cup
    Almond Milk – 2/3 Cup
    Coconut Cream (Trader Joe’s has a great one for $1.50) – 1/4 Cup
    Vanilla Stevia drops – 4-5, or to taste
    Options:
    Cinnamon, Fiber powder (I have used Acacia fiber, 0 taste to it), a pinch of sea-salt, almond butter, peanut butter, melted coconut oil (drizzle it in and it makes coconut “chips” when it cools), etc.
  • Put the first 2 in a bowl and sloooooowly mix them together with a whisk. Vegetable-based protein powder has a much finer texture than whey, and will go “aerosol” on ya if you get aggressive with it.
  • After it combines, it will be a little soupy but thicker than a usual protein shake. It’s okay to add a little more almond milk to loosen it up, but not too much.  You want to keep it well-combined but a little thick
  • Add the coconut cream and stevia, and any extras. The cream really smooths the mixture. It will help bring it all together when it cools in the fridge, also.
  • Chill for 30min-1hr while the mixture chills for 30min-1hr.

Something extra for those of us looking to get a protein fix and some sweetness to it.
YES, you can freeze it. I have an ice cream maker I plan to throw this into over the weekend. Will report back, assuming all goes well or if I don’t eat so much I’m immediately a Centaur.

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Two Sides and a Friend To Every Story

Wow. A dude here at the workplace has a buddy or a friend or an ex-co-worker or a story about whatever it is that you just finished an anecdote about. Every time. Incredulous stories, too.  I’m thinking of really f*cking with him on an Old Testament-type story to see what he’s got in the bag.

What do I mean?  Example…
ME: “I have a rod in my leg from the time I was hit by a Harley-Davidson at 40mph in a cross-walk.  Considering how far I flew and where I landed on the street, I’m super lucky that all I had was a tib-fib fracture and some hardware.  No concussion or internal injuries, super lucky on that.”

OFFICE AESOP: “Ah, yeah, a buddy of mine once was in a crowd of people, he was looking the other way like a dumbass. They were at a race like a street race thing, kinda dumb but anyway, yeah… One of the motorcycles in the race got too low or something around the corner, and he was, like, the only one who didn’t move when it went into the crowd.  Totally took his feet out and he broke, like, his tibia, fibia, part of his knee, snapped his ACL, it was baad.  He still rides his motorcycle though.”

Multiply this 5 times a day.  And if you’re working on something on your laptop and want him to peek over shoulder, just say, “Hmm…”

I think it’s part of a deeper need within Maslow’s Hierarchy from Psychological up to Self-Actualization with a detour at “VALIDATE ME” or maybe just “NOISE MEANS POPULAR.”

Anyway… I like when an anecdote is added to add value or humor, but every time? EVERY TIME. Every Tifuckingme.  Wow.

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KeySmart Product Review: Sleek, Stylish, Slow

If you don’t have time to get to the meat of this, here’s the final judgment:
Cool little gadget, but I’d rather have my money back.  Didn’t gel for me.

I have a few jangly keys in my rotation that I use on a regular basis. The amount of room they took up on the rings, plus a few extraneous membership ID tags from businesses and the county library, caused quite an unsightly, uncomfortable pocket-lump.  And I wanted to smooth that issue out as best I could.  I got one of those Cool Item Offer Emails-de rigueur one morning and there was a key-taming solution: KeySmart. And it was ON SALE! Thank you, Cookie-logging Data-gathering Online Shopping gods!

keysmart_regular_red_1024x1024

So I bought one, the red one, so I could start slimming up my key ring, and come roaring into a world of thinner key configurations and numerous configurations adapatable to my lifestyle!  HELL YES.  And when it arrived, I was pretty amped.  So I got to work on it.  I bought the slimmest one because I was determined to narrow down my keys to what I actually use on a daily basis.  That’s 4 keys, not including the chipped ignition key for my boss ride (2000 Accord PAID-FOR STRAIGHT CASH WHUUUUT). And no membership cards.

After the first 24 hours of use I thought I had done something wrong.  I mean, it’s a gadget, a thing that addresses, but doesn’t necessarily SOLVE, a problem, so maybe I wasn’t in the flow of maximizing this thang.
The keys I needed were tucked neatly away, but nearly inaccessible with one hand (think: carrying bags up to the front door, need to put ’em down).  It looked cool, this pocket-knife-like key organizing implement, but, uh… I couldn’t easily access the most-used keys (home, office, cabinets) because, well… they were neatly tucked away in the KeySmart.  After a month of use I have gone back to my Middle Earth “ONE RING TO HOLD THEM ALL, AND IN MY POCKET BIND THEM” usage, but at a greatly reduced quantity.  The KeySmart is outta the rotation, and maybe I can use it for something else.

PROS:  Slim, good look, expandable, accesssories, capacity restricts extraneous key holding.
CONS: Can’t one-hand a key if the end-screws are snug, kinda pricey ($15-$40 for the Titanium model), restrictive return policy (send it back unopened)

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Are You Too Good of a Parent?

I have a term in my vocabulary for people who do little else than bupple-up negative stuff from around the world, things that perhaps aren’t in the brightest of lights, and they feel you really need to understand how this is hurting you them.  The term is “ShamePolice.”  These are people who were likely the kid in grade school raising their hand on a Friday afternoon to remind the teacher of that homework assignment she mentioned before recess.  This is the person who drives 61 in the passing lane, because that ought to be “fast enough.”

Don’t let them pull you over, because if you do, it validates the life-time they shit into the gaping abyss of their self-importance spent discussing ideas and articles about it.  And if nothing else, Misery loves Company.  That being said, “philosophers” Adam Swift and Harry Brighouse are two of the biggest fucktard ShamePolice officers I’ve ever come across, and I have unlimited internet access.  They call themselves philosophers because “part-time thinker, part-time Sandwich Artist” wouldn’t fit on their pocket protectors (unconfirmed).

In their “study” of familial structure, parental involvement, and nurturing a child’s life, they theorize that parents who are involved in their kid’s lives in thoughtful, loving, nurturing ways that are aimed at creating an environment in which to Parent a well-rounded, empathic, intelligent, world-friendly citizen are creating an “unfair disadvantage” in society. To whom is this an “unfair disadvantage?”

“‘What we realised we needed was a way of thinking about what it was we wanted to allow parents to do for their children, and what it was that we didn’t need to allow parents to do for their children, if allowing those activities would create unfairnesses for other people’s children’.”

To kids and families and parents who are NOT taking steps to create similar environments and/or children. The “advantaged” families are creating an “unlevel playing field” against kids who are NOT being nurtured.

I just pooped the OUTSIDE of my pants.
The article states, and I’m paraphrasing, that reading to your kids before bed is a stronger foundation builder than the ability to send the child to an elite private school. Bonding with the kids in any way possible, therefore, is more valuable than an education that may get a “ooh wooow!” from external people.  If you’re kid loves to read about dinosaurs, and you’re building that interest with reading and movies and play, you’re way better off than the parent who ships the kid off to study geology and biology and natural selection.

I have the softest, tear-filled place in my soul for kids who are neglected in any way whatsoever. I can barely look at the words of a link about babies being left alone for 9 hours while “dad” played FarmSubsidy on facebook.  I have met, coached, and played with kids who aren’t from the best family situations, and they have all been the first-in for a big hug or high-five when it’s time to go. Kids need attention from people who care.

This also assumes that children who aren’t read-to or aren’t in elite schools are being victimized by those who are.  It starts at home, period. If a parent says their loud, rude, whiny 6 year-old is “just being 6”, I’m going to assume they are a shitty parent who doesn’t understand the term “Product of Environment.”

But this is what philosophers do, after all.  They THINK about stuff, and imagine what it would be like if… Hypothesize Me! And this study brought forth just the most ridiculous aspect of how to raise, nurture, discipline, and foster the growth of a child into, at the least, a decent member of society.

And then there’s me, making my Citizen’s Citations against the ShamePolice.  I should be above it, but I care too much about raising kids to see this horse-S and keep my fingers still.
“Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.” – Plato

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The Gig Files – No Time

Aaaah, the late show.  In comedy, it’s either a blessing or a curse and it’s usually 40/60 to the curse.  If you’re in a comedy club doing 2 shows a night, the late show on Friday is either very drunk or very underattended.  I’ve seen some for comics (Gaffigan, Maron, Benson, Carolla) that are just as packed as others, but usually it’s 30-50 people who are either just out and about, or out and asleep.

No Time 1:
I accepted a good-money gig for a fundraising auction on a Saturday night.  Everything was fine except the start time, in comparison to the time we went on-stage.  See, if you give people in their 30’s-50’s 3 hours to mingle and drink before they have to sit and do nothing but try and pay attention… after drinking… and eatin’… and spending money… it’s tough stuff on the attention-needers (me).

The group was awesome, don’t get me wrong.  They were all very cool people doing a great thing for their community, this time not involving a small-caliber rifle and rodents.  So I was happy to be part of it and help out any way I could, which was just to draw a few more in with my comedy skills and local F-list Celebrity status. (F as in “who the Fuck is this guy? He’s Funny, at least.”)

So they have dranks and noshing happening for about 3 hours, and an auction, and the results of the silent auction (Pat & Marty Boudoyn took home the 8-lb chocolate box AGAIN this year, $300), AND the Dessert Dash.  AND awarding a scholarship to a local student.  AND then it was time for the first comedian, an hour after we were supposed to go on.  Why would this suck so hard?

Well, we get paid either way.  Regardless, it’s way more fun when the crowd is into the performance.  And by then, they were way more into trying to sober up enough to get home before the babysitter went to $20/hr.  I understand it.  So the 250 people quickly dwindled (walked) to 200 in the first 10min of the show.  By the time I went on, I was working with about 80.

And I basically mentioned it as such, really important to fortify the remaining people and give it all ya got to make sure they enjoyed it.  It’s a one-off, so I won’t be back next year, but I don’t want to leave anybody thinking they should have left and got more hammered in their garage like they WANTED TO BUT THEIR HUSBAND WOULDN’T LET ‘EM.

So we did the thing and got the money + a little tip which was nice, and a lot of high-fives and hugs on the way out.  Not even close to the worst show I ever did.  That’s another time.

It’s always a sign of how things went when your closing line is “Thanks so much everybody, I hope you’ve enjoyed watching me fill my contractually obligated time, get home safe!”

The OTHER “No Time” entry is this:  I have been doing stand-up comedy for a solid 12 years now.  So when I get a text from a booker for a low-$ gig in less that 24 hours with a >100mile round trip, to open for a comic I wouldn’t stick around to watch?  Well, I guess I’m beyond being anybody’s booty-call at this point.

Unless Jessica Biel texts me up…

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The Gig Files – No Bodies

I did a show a few weeks ago that really should have been better attended.  Sure, it was on a Thursday night, in a semi-dumpy roadhouse bar with carpet on the walls (re-read that), and a stage that took up 1/4 of the room.  And a pool table that took up another 1/4 of the room.  But… it was in an area of Seattle in which I know for a fact that at least 10 of my acquaintances live within 3 miles of.  These are the people asking when I’ll be in their area, what shows do I have within 10 miles of their house, etc.  The typical exchange goes like this…

Them: Dude! I saw you on TV last weekend, so funny! When are you doing a show up by me? I live in Donomish.
Me:  Thanks, yeah, that was fun!  I actually have a show in 3 weeks, a Friday night show, 8pm at the Filbert Center, it’s like $10 and you get 2 free drinks.
Them:  3 weeks? Ooooh gaaaaawsh, hmmm… We are busy that whole week with a… there’s a thing for the Donomish Woodworking Society that week.  Anything else?
Me:  Oh, okay.  I am doing a show in 2 weeks on a Wednesday afternoon in the parking lot of where you work from 11am to 2pm.
Them:  2 Wednesdays, oooh, gawsh… I am gone that day, I have to go look at wallpaper samples with a friend from High School I haven’t seen in 30 years and I am probably quitting that job, so… What else do you have, because we would LOOOOVE to catch one of your shows!
Me:  Wallpaper?  Well… uh… this Saturday morning I am doing a show in the garage of your neighbors, the Fardingsons, at 11am. They are serving brunch and have a massage chair for people.
Them: Ooooh, gaaawsh… THIS Saturday? Not next, THIS Saturday?  Yeah, our house is gonna be fumigated on Saturday morning at 10:49, so we have to leave and decided to go to Puerto Rico for the day.  What else?
Me: I’m doing a show in your living room in 4 hours.
Them: Ooooh gawsh, I, uh… my house is on fire right now. Anything else?
Me:  Holy hell… Tomorrow night I have a show in Las Vegas at The Palms with Jerry Seinfeld and Jim Gaffigan and Garth Brooks, but it’s sold out.
Them: That sounds fun, can you get us on the guest list for 6 people?

I took the gig because I’d heard pretty much nothing about it.  It didn’t pay well (less than $80 for 30min), and it wasn’t promoted very well besides by me and the guy who books it.  He’s also a comedian, and I genuinely like the dude.  So the gig was taken so I could earn a couple bucks and try out a couple new bits that would take up probably 10 of the 30min.

I make jokes about how underattended my shows usually are, saying “I always promise a new perspective on everyday things from Life, and good parking at my shows.”  This was no exception.  All the people who asked for a local event in the past year, all but one, stayed the fuck home. Too tired. Too parented-out.  Too lazy.  Too catching-up-on-whateverTVshow… And I didn’t even get upset about it.  There were 13 non-comedians in the seats, in a room that fits 65.  Plenty of good parking.

A few very dear friends showed up and that was awesome.  Totally surprised me and made me happy.  The 6 gentlemen playing pool left before I could start.  There were 3 other comedians which, while good for variety, cuts into the bottom line.  I liked the other comics, too, but none of us were pulling butts to seats. Tis what tis.

What good is it to be able to make people laugh if there aren’t many people?  I’m not gonna make the people at work laugh, that’s for sure.  I would either get reprimanded by HR or the co-workers would make up some excuse to get out the door.  God forbid we invest in laughter.

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The Gig Files – No Mic

If y’all like this post, let me know in the comments or the LIKES! or send me a basket of gluten-free brownies shaped like Jessica Biel or Diane Lane (whatever your local bakery will do for you based on their politics).  “The Gig Files” will be recaps of shows I recently did from the perspective of the performer.  Yelp seems to be a sounding board for everybody’s gripes and very few KUDOS! which is too bad.  Then again, I think people want to complain, and a bad dining/entertainment/hash oil-making-via-Groupon experience seems to resonate more than a great one.  I’ve had so many dine-outs that could have been ruined because of something small that I just brush it off now.  Same thing with gigs; it’s been a while since I had 3 in a row like these…

NO MIC
Saturday night show, crappy sportsbar/roadhouse about an hour North of Seattle.  I’ve done 8 shows there and I’ve been happy with 4 of them.  2 were complete failures (back when I was about a year into comedy), 2 were “meh,” and this particular gig I actually rate under the Happy-Withs.

I brought a newer comic along as an opener, dude’s very funny, and is much more slowly-paced than I am.  That’s good because I won’t have to really go all-out to get the crowd to pay attention.  The bar holds about 80 people, speakers way up in the rafters, and you have to be eating the mic to be heard.  I have no idea what the transfer rate of lip-herpes via shared mics is among comedians, but it’s gotta be higher than, say, motivational speakers.

15minutes into my 45minute set, the mic stops working. Cuts out. Dead. I wiggle the cable a bit, it comes back.  Then blacks out.  Then it’s back.  2minutes later it dies again.  Staff kinda works on it, but then it dies again. Dead.  Done.  DOS(tage).  And then they tell me, “Sorry. It did that the last couple shows, too.”  Oh, okay then.  Happy I’m not the WHAT?

So I shouted the rest of my set into the air. And it was work. I felt like I had to project even more, and subtlety was out the window without being able to whisper.

And it was in those 30-something, unplugged minutes I really felt like, hey, I’m gonna make this a great show for the people who are here.  Nobody left, and it wasn’t THEIR fault the mic cut out, so it won’t be MY fault if the show sucks.  I was friggin’ exhausted afterwards.  It went fine.  But honestly, that kinda sucked.

 

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The Sound Of No Man Laughing

A buddy and comedian buddy and good guy and friend of mine, Brett “One-L” Hamil, just published another great article in City Arts… that was the link you just went past… about a phenomenon that comedians can be afflicted by, known as “The Ears” or “Laugh Ears.”  It happens when a comedian is not getting laughs with material, yet isn’t really aware of how poorly they’re doing.  Perhaps somebody up close is laughing in a room full of 200, so they think “Hey, I’m doing pretty well tonight!”  Or they got laughs on ONE bit. Or the audience started laughing at how poorly it was going.  Regardless of why the comedian is eating a bowl of Poop Soup, The Ears really is more painful to those who are NOT on-stage.

Brett’s article has perspective from a few comedians, but I answered a few more questions that didn’t make it to the final edit… no hard feelings… Here are some thoughts about being delusional on-stage. I think this carries into other professions as well…

1) What is “the ears”? Where did you first hear the term?
“The Ears” or “Laugh Ears” is a temporary sensory disability when a comedian thinks they are doing well and their material is hitting, yet neither is actually happening. They are most-likely eating hot garbage, but are too detached from the moment for whatever reason to hear the silence after their punchlines.  It’s a persistence problem; the afflicted party isn’t self-aware enough or just willfully ignorant of their inability to elicit laughter.
I first heard about “laugh ears” from a local club owner, after we watched a well-rehearsed, nearly response-less set from a performer we’d seen muddle or bomb 99% of his prior sets. The guy’s cadence was the same for each joke, regardless of subject, and wasn’t getting any laughs AGAIN.  It didn’t bother me, it was like, “meh… next.”  Then he asked the owner for some feature work at the club, and the owner kindly rebuffed it. Guy made a stink, asking “why not?” and the owner finally said, “You kinda got Laugh Ears, like, you’re not doing as well as you think you are. People aren’t laughing but you’re, like, not even hearing it. All I hear is nothin’.”  The guy didn’t get it.
 
2) Have you ever suffered from it?
Suffered? No. Didn’t even feel it.
I’m sure I have, but it’s been a while. I do recall a set where I just “did my time,” and thought “well that was pretty good,” because I hadn’t forgotten anything. The headliner, and the MC, and the booker, all asked me “Whaddya think happened up there?”  I was honestly confused, like “Huh? I’m not saying I killed, but I didn’t dig a hole and fill it back in with a watery carrot-laden shit, either, dickhead.” Paraphrasing, it’s been a while… But later on I thought, “Yeah, it was pretty quiet for a while, and not like they were listening. Oh gawd…” Pain set it.
3) How do you assess your sets?
Purely on how many post-show offers I get for drugs or threesomes. But sometimes it’s a moment-to-moment thing now, like calling plays in a football game. I know what I want to do because I know me and what works and how to structure things, but sometimes you audible, you go easy because the audience clenched up. It’s part of my ability to do well, reading a room’s reactions and tailoring my material and pace to that.  There’s no reason to bore them.
But also, I did a set for 3500 people last Summer, outdoors, and thought I ate so much crap that it would be weeks before any other comedian could eat crap, because I’d eaten all of it that night.
But the stage manager and a ton of people said they loved it and were cracking up. I just couldn’t hear the pack of laughs because it was all going up, lot of people milling about, spread out over an acre, etc.  I’d rather bomb outdoors in front of 3500 than bomb in a room of 35. That quiet 35 are just way too intimate.  And on that stage that day I literally thought “Well I have to quit now, I’m the worst and I’ll never open for Earth, Wind, nor Fire ever again.”
4) How do you balance self-criticism with maintaining a healthy level of confidence in your abilities?
Who the fuck said I do? Unhinged, manic delivery is my style, they’ll laugh because it is undeniable even if it’s unoriginal. It’s loud, man, they dig that.
I think I balance it by not doing anything I’m not pretty damn sure will work in one way or another.  And if it doesn’t work after the 3rd time, I give it to an open mic’er.  I will challenge myself sometimes with material that I know could divide a room, but have to dig for the funny parts of it. But also, balance that with asking myself what I’m trying to prove by doing that type of material.  And i never think I’m so great that I’m not one set away from the one that makes me rethink calling myself a comedian.
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