Tag: Humor

Leading By Bad Example

Years ago now, when I lived in Culver City which is not Los Angeles and shouldn’t be considered as such, I worked at a Casting Services studio for a short stint.  Very cool slice of entertainment, it was a multi-room casting studio that ran auditions for commercials both small and Majorly McMajor Light.  Every now and then there’d be a call for a photo shoot, models… I mean, like… MAAHDULLLZ… would be in there and holy crap, there’s a different level of genetic co-mingling than what most of the world has ever seen and it’s all within a 1-hour drive of Santa Monica, CA.

I wasn’t particularly well-trained for the technical side of the studio.  There were a few things I could do, but for the most part what I found was that I didn’t have the time on the system-in-use to really jockey it into position when needed.  And I wanted to know that stuff because it makes ya look like a rock star when your boss needs a salad and you deliver a rolling buffet.  On this particular day I may have pulled together a fruit leather-like effort.  Mostly because, like I said, I was poorly prepared.

That day I was asked to consolidate 3 auditions from 3 actors from 3 sessions of 3 products.  Which means they were in different files on the computers, IF the sessions had all been sent to the common server.  That shouldn’t be difficult, because I know how to file and name and organize documents and resources in a technical format for logical recall and search purposes.  But sweet chocolate Moses, these were spread out ever’where.

And of COURSE there’s a deadline in an hour.  And of COURSE the person who wants it gave very little direction as to where it was to be delivered.  And naturally, this is for 2 of the biggest accounts the casting director (who heavily influences the client/advertiser) handles.  So yeah, there’s some sweat, but as I sat down I was like HELLS YEAH LET’S FIND THESE PEOPLE AND THESE BACKFLIPS AND ACTING LIKE DRINKING A BEER ON A SNOWMOBILE IS SECOND NATURE… and hand this to them at The Ivy in 72min.

No. Fucking. Chance.  Impossible.  The program I was using was capable of doing that.  I wasn’t able to wrangle it to do so, however.   I called everybody I could.  The guys who created the system (who later I worked for and they are the coolest guys and I hope they stay on their up-trend, because those guys are on the casting frontier), not available as they were probably supporting another client.  The guy who normally ran tech, unavailable, possibly stoned or in urgent care at that time, not very healthy for a 22 year-old.  The other in-studio experts, all unavailable and off-site doing other stuff.  So I’m on a deflating raft and bailing water with one hand and rowing towards shore with the other.

And here’s what didn’t help that day.  One person in particular who had absolutely nothing better to do than run in and out of the studio I was in, asking “IS IT DONE?  IS IT DONE?  COME ON MAN, THIS IS IMPORTANT!”  No.  No.  I know.  If you’re not adding, you’re a subtraction.

I remember thinking how little I respected that guy that day.  He was the Manager, and he did not have to save my ass, but what he missed was this crucial point to performing under pressure:  Had he made the urgent call to get the issue handled by somebody who really knew what was going on, not only would the job get done… HE’D BE DOING HIS JOB AS WELL AS MAKING HIS BOSS LOOK LIKE A PROFESSIONAL.

Instead he took almost a bit of joy in watching me sweat through my shirt while coming in every 7minutes to complain and moan for the completion of the task.  Eventually one of the real experts came by for a free beer in the comp’ny fridge and popped in to take over.  Turns out one of the files wasn’t loaded to the server so I couldn’t find it anyway.  And another session I needed was misnamed so it took him another 15min to find it.

It ain’t like I was SEAL-ing a mission and saving lives, I was just trying to make sure 3 actors got another look for a break in a commercial for processed cheese.  But I learned that if you’re gonna lead, there are some things that are so important you just have to do them yourself.  You can teach while you do it, but if you can’t teach while you do it, you can’t scold the student for not knowing more than the teacher.

Plus, that guy was an asshole.

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Comment Please

It’s a basic human right that if you have the ability to express yourself, you should be able to express yourself without fear of tyrannical, violent downforce, be it Governmental, Societal, or Cee-Lo.  For real, tho.  However, a growing number of people in society have confused “Right To Speak” with “Cannot Be Judged,” and “Should Not Be Reprimanded Whatsoever.”  These people are either immature, overly-self-empowered, or a high-functioning mentally handicapped (MH) person.  Many of them are probably still in High School, or (insert enemy political party here).

If you want to see what our society really feels, just go to any news story online that allows comments, make sure the story is about politics or has a person of an ethnicity that isn’t WASPy, and have a field day.  Stopping short of using the “N-word” doesn’t show a person is intelligent and well-mannered; it only shows they WANNA USE IT, but aren’t sure if anybody’s got their back.  In the previous paragraph I held back from saying “Retard” because that does offend some people, although I think you can call other people “retarded” if you have a diagnosed (and somewhat obvious) form of what was once referred to as “retardation.”  I would say it’s funnier for a MH to call somebody a “retard,” though not as call as when Daquan calls you “his N-word.”  If he called you his “retard,” that’s a bit much, unless Daquan himself is MH’ed, then he’s probably racist.

So when those comments are posted, or the comments people post on that Instagram picture of your first attempt at rose water-infused, gluten-free competitive cheesecake, make you feel like, golly, you could just rip the fucker’s face off and powershit into their now-lipless mouth-hole, WHAT CAN YOU DO?

  1. Call ’em out.  Fight back a little and defend yourself.  Don’t get defensive, just state your case.  Let their names be known, if you can.  Anonymity is the One Ring That Binds internet comment trolls.
  2. Ignore it.  Lots of trolls out there, who are just trying to start crap and truly have nothing better to do than try and start internet fights.  They breathe in life from making a point of taking time to crap on whatever they can find to crap on.  They have very little originality to offer.  It happens, shrug it off.
  3. Go all-out and get in the fray.  Fire off every word you can think of for every negative comment and let people know you are NOT messing around on your comments section.
  4. Pick Your Battles.  Not everything is worth going to the mat for.  Know what’s off-limits, and let people know, and if they don’t censor themselves, see #3.  Remember the first person to use CAPS LOCK in their reply, loses.

Instead of shrugging off everything, mix it up.  Keep people guessing.  Ignoring stuff is the ultimate self-empowerment.  Some folks, however, do it in real life and that’s inexcusable.  I’ll address how to handle public judgment of others in a future post.  Save yourself the hassle and just buy a boat horn right now, though.

Just remember… fighting on the internet is like being in the Special Olympics…
Find me on Twitter; @glottrules

http://www.geofflottrules.com

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A Sandwich Too Small

George Carlin once said a lot of dirty stuff you want to scream at people writing checks at a grocery store.  He also said “Women are crazy and men are stupid.  But women are crazy because men are stupid.”  Something like that.  I often see little bits & pieces, graphics here and there taking digs at how dumb or helpless men are.

I won’t defend all men.  I can’t.  A lot of men are dickheads.  A lot of men are also great people.  Some are incredibly normal and unnervingly personable with no explicit personality issues.  Some guys are complete sociopaths and should have died in a Jeep rollover a long time ago and had their organs go to save worthy lives.  Some guys, however, are good Men.

They have to get up and go to work every day to keep the lights on and bills paid for their family.  They do it with a song in their heart, even if somedays that song is “Necrophobic” by Slayer.  And they do it because they love their family.  On the way to work they burn an hour in the car.  On the way home they burn 75minutes and have to go to the store to get something for dinner because the loves of his life are at home, tired, sick and haven’t had the energy to get dinner together.  When he gets home he realizes he’s on patrol to get the kids bathed and in bed while his wife zones out on exhaustion and a chest cold she got from their daughter’s last play date. 

Oh wait, shit… he has to iron some shirts for work, too.  And fold the laundry and get another load going so the kids have stuff to wear for the rest of the week.  It’s only Tuesday.  The days run together.  Gotta get a sitter for Saturday night, too, so he can take his wife out for anything, even for just two hours of face time.  Did the bills get paid?  Better check the online bill payer.  Get that handled.  Kid’s lunches for tomorrow, check.  Kids bathed and in bed, check.  Shirts ironed, check.

Oh look… it’s 11:40pm.  Everybody is asleep except him, who was also up before everybody else today.  And everybody is asleep.  At home, in their beds, safe, and resting.  A good day.  Done.

And that’s part of the gig for the moment.  Handling a lot of shit.  And keeping schedules together.  And working and making money and trying to keep Life from digging her heels in and being a bitch, instead of a dance partner. 

He made the mortgage payment, car payment, insurance premium, kid’s lunches, doctor’s appointments, and read a couple stories to the kids.  He didn’t put together some wet-panty plaque to post on Pinterest about how hard life is.  He didn’t make a snarky Facebook update about how he’s running the show.  And no, he didn’t make a sandwich. 

Maybe tomorrow he’ll treat himself to a meal combo under $5 somewhere. 

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Is Consulting For You?

Consulting is nothing new to business.  It’s been happening since the first caveman asked a buddy to figure out how they could get more speed on their spear-throws.  They had different words for “spear” and “buddy,” of course, which we now call “product” and “peer.”  So the path has been well-worn for at least 50 years.  Are you thinking about walking it?

I first left a major company after realizing there was literally nowhere for my career to go.  That was after seven years of skill development, great benefits, moderate pay increases, and being taken-over by a competitor.  I had some skills that might keep me working there, for a bit more money, but it was up to me to get out and look for something better.  Why?  Because I had debt, of course!  But honestly, hey, we’re working people.  We are hunters, hence the “job hunt.”  Hey, that’s why I’m here.  Let me show you how to get more distance on that resumé, buddy.

But first, I will tell you this:  It’s okay to be freaked out by looking for a new job.  Instability happens, especially in competitive industries such as Mobile Telecom and Pretty Much Every Business.  You don’t own your job, your desk, or your “space” until you do something that is so incredibly invaluable for the company that they wouldn’t think of letting you go.  Don’t worry, it’s just The Truth of the workplace these days.  Own your career, if not your desk-space.  Here are a few reasons to go into Consulting and Contract work.

Playing The Odds:
Not too long ago I was in a panel interview at a wireless telecom giant, and the manager mentioned that his department (IT Planning) was around 60-70% contracted workers.  You have a better chance getting placed via contract/consulting work than going through the normal methods of applying to a job via the company website.  Eventually I got past my emotional attachment to the color of my badge and designation as either Full Time or Contract.  I quit hinging the worth of my employment on whether or not I got to attend off-site rallies with full-timers.  I got to the point where finishing work well and on-time was more important than sitting in on a 90minute catered lunch with a guest speaker.  WORK TO DO.  DO WORK.  Get working, serve your project, deliver with style, get paid.  You’re among friends.

Attitude Count$:
“Serve the Project.”  I have worked with a lot of Full-Timers (FT’ers) who stand on either side of the “Innovation” fence.  That is, one particular program manager I worked for was so sharp, affable, personable, and driven that we both knew his position was a step towards a much larger body of work outside the company.  Also, I have sat in meetings where work is piling up and instead of assessing the approach and handling of the pile, the FT’ers leaned back and said “Oh well, I’m on vacation in 2 weeks anyway.”  As a consultant my main task is doing a good job for the client; meeting and exceeding their expectations.  I’m still competitive enough and have enough pride to wanna kick ass.  Even if I’m not leaping out of bed every day to gather requirements like so many daffodils, flitting about the office to facilitate Change Management, and cheering up every soul regardless of their badge color, I’m there to serve the project’s needs and be paid well for it.  So I do that, happily.

The Wide Walk Of Work:
So you have Analyst and Project Leadership experience?  Great.  In Healthcare?  Awesome.  And you think the only positions you can handle are in Healthcare?  Not necessarily.  First, embrace your niche.  Healthcare is going to be HUUUUUUUUUGE in the next 20 years.  Bet on it.  If you can see trends in technology and how they’ll mesh with your industry’s growth you are well-ahead of most folks.  Second, can you see how your experience would feed other industries?  Fresh minds are needed for any industry’s growth, or at least, stability.  Your transition from Healthcare experience to Mobile Computing may take a while, but really it breaks down to X’s and O’s; your skill + new terminology + credibility building = HIRED!  Don’t limit yourself to only your industry of experience.  I found myself in a food service company after years in wireless technology, and loved it!

Duration Variance:
You may be on a project for 2 years.  More than likely it will be less than 12 months.  I had a 5 month contract shortened to 2 because the department’s delivery strategy shifted.  It happens.  This is where being a full-timer to your company counts, and having saved that money beforehand comes in handy.  Hopefully you have a bench to work from and get paid while honing a few skills before the next job.  But if you’re somebody who likes to see things come together, launch, and repeat a few times… then you get a little antsy… this is a good road to walk.

Finances:
You often are making a greater hourly rate in contracting than you were as a FT’er.  Why?  Because you, or your firm, is charging more and it filters out a few more things like taxes.  Oh, and the company you’re at isn’t investing in your 401k or Stock Options, so you make it up in cash.  Never sell yourself short, and if you’re not ready to negotiate, go buy a book on negotiating.  Money is a trade for your service.  Try paying your mortgage with beers your pals owe you.

If you’re Independent, always get the contract in writing, and have an “early end” clause.  For example, if you sign on for 8 months at $7K/month, include a clause that says “For every week less than 32 weeks the Consultant’s services are not needed, client will be paid ½ a standard week’s pay in a single payment.”  This keeps you working at your full rate for the agreed-upon time, and if not, at least you’re not totally out the pay you could have been getting from the client or elsewhere.  If they balk, offer to lower it to 1/3rd, but don’t empty your pockets for the sake of courtesy.  You’d rather be getting paid and helping out than pounding the keyboard and interviewing for work.

And save, save, save all you can, enough for about 3 months of expenses in case you find yourself on an unexpected vacation.

Socialize:
Social interwebbing is vital to your job search.  From LinkedIn to FaceBook to Twitter, everything you put out there represents you, either as a person or a potential candidate.  What does your online presence say about you?  Are your strengths and experiences evident?  If you aren’t savvy in it yet, well, I just Googled “job search and social media” and got over 200,000,000 results.  I’ll let you know what I find in there.  Get using technology as a means to an end; it’s not just what you’re working on, it’s working on you, too.

Consulting work and Contract work are going to be prevalent for quite a while.  I doubt the forming of a Union to protect our interests, but if you are wondering who those people are that show up one day and start ruffling feathers, arranging work schedules, and presenting project plans… then are out before the holidays… that’s us.  That’s me.  We’re here to help that spear bring down bigger game.  Good hunting.

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Crosswalk to Bear

Every morning’s commute comes to an end just after a brief encounter with any number of people madly crossing streets against the signals.  Within a half-mile of the parking lot are a few encampments for transient folks, a well-attended medical clinic, and a ton of stoplights, train crossings, busways, and pond-sized potholes.  Bad timing can add 15minutes to your last half mile if you hit all the lights, allowing for plenty of inter-windshield eye contact with passersby, many of whom may not actually see you there.

Once, months ago in a fine Seattle rain and 40 degrees, 2 young men crossed against the light while I sat in my car, waiting… waiting for them to slooooowly get to the other side.  One of them turned from under his hoodie and stared at me as though I was the one who elevator-farted, and he would pocket that info to keep me honest.  Instead, I rolled my window down as they got half-way across, stopped in the rain while I yelled, “Hey guys!? It’s raining like hell out there, but take your time, I’m pretty comfortable!”  The tenacity of their responding “FUCK YOU FAGGOT” belied their otherwise calm demeanor.  You know how bros joke around…

And thus…

CROSSWALK HAIKU

I see you seething

Walk slowly and glare at me

Contrasting climates

 

Against the Rules, Light

Perpendicular to Green

I shrug off your mean

 

You glower at me

Challenge my gas pedal, sir?

You clock in nowhere

 

Take your time, Spirit

Heated breath into the cold

Mad walk so slowly?

 

Empathy given

A life chosen and pushed through

Not all is my fault

 

Why glare at me, man?

Stopped, waiting, I shrug it off

Warm podcast cocoon

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Having a Second Baby – A Preview

My wife’s about 11months pregnant right now, and we are beyond ready for this new baby to arrive. Even while our first one is off & on crying in his room instead of SLEEPING THE HELL OUT OF THE NIGHT, we’re pretty happy about the pending arrival. In the preceding months there have been a few discussions with other parents and friends about a 2nd baby. The best way to summarize these talks is “Mostly positive but it’s okay to shut your noisehole.” It’s amazing that some people believe simply having an opinion and a voice make either of them valid in everybody else’s world.

I have seen a lot of seemingly unsolicited voicing of the sentiment “WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP PROCREATING?!” and “I don’t want a baby ever, OMG, what would I do with all the random dick walking around my apartment?!” Hey, kids force you into a role you aren’t really ever ready for, but if your heart’s in the right place, you get ready pretty quickly. In the meantime, you realize that maybe all that dick isn’t in your best interest. Sucks to have your priorities, morals, and ideals shuffled for you. Life will do it if you don’t.

As for kids in restaurants, I feel really sorry for people who hate it when a kid saunters in and makes a little ruckus. Those poor folks think they have the right to a fancy, quiet dinner at Olive Garden! Hey, money-poor assholes, save up a few more bucks and eat elsewhere or head to the bar. The parents are doing the best we can to keep that kid under control, the good ones among us leave if the kid’s losing it, and it sucks ten times as much for us. So keep your stink-eye for your doctor when they say “Hey, how about a little less dick in your life?”

Sure, there are people who do NOT want kids. Some of them already have kids. Some of them don’t want the intrusion into their life of work, school, extended adolescence, I CANNOT FUCKING CONCENTRATE WHEN DANCING WITH THE STARS IS ON, promiscuity, drunken camping, and/or Crossfitting. Other people just don’t have the drive to procreate. Why can I still hear the judge’s scores, AND getting questions about what I’m doing? Leave me alone, I’m talking about how great our life is… faaaaawk…

So here’s the deal…
We’re parents. We parent. We are a family. We aren’t hobbyists when it comes to child-rearing. We’re sold on the idea of soccer practices, sports camps, play-dates, reading books to our kids 20 times a day, and major life prioritization. That’s for us to deal with. When I hear (from a few people) “Man, we think just the 1 kid is too much,” we already know that doing it well for just 1 kid – as there’s no real “Right” way – is hard enough. But we wanted another kid.
And our 2 kids will someday replace the scores of people who don’t want kids. Hell, they’ll replace US. And when the anti-kid folks grow old and diaper-filling, I will present to my kids a list of their names, and say “Yeah, they didn’t want to add to the generation that is now alive to help them in their final days.”

All I can hope is that we’ve taught them to do the right thing and stay out of other people’s business.

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