Month: October 2011

Diaper Genie II Review

In the movie Ghostbusters, the heart of the operation is really the Ectoplasmic Containment Unit.  Some would argue it’s Annie Potts character Janine, or even Dana Barrett’s neighbor Louis, played to the understated hilt by Rick Moranis.  But no… it’s the ECU.  The ECU holds all of the captured apparitions, ghouls, and roamers captured by the gang.  Until Walter “Dickless” Peck from the City shuts the show down.

You can get a shitload of diapers in here.

Akin to the ECU is the Diaper Genie 2.  It uses a footpedal-top door-capture&drop system to receive and deposit diapers of various fill levels/matter.  From the super-peeped to the lagging loader, it can swallow up almost anything you toss down it.  Beware… there are two pieces to the DG – and thus, a greater expense is incurred.  We were given a DG as a gift, and basically have to pay for the bags every month.  Special bags. Bags that you couldn’t possibly replicate with something from the grocery store.

SlopDrop
DiaperGenie II, as used by Thing Addams

The DG has a proprietary bagging system that starts at the top with a sort of bag-sphincter.  The plastic extends from within the sphincter, ties-off to become a bag, and then drops down below the diaper air-lock.  The top of the DG opens, you drop the diaper into the chamber which is about the size of a coffee can, then release the footpedal.  That allows the dipe to drop into the abyss of the DG, effectively packing a deeper and tighter “poop sausage.”  Bags’ll run you about $7-$9 depending on where you buy ‘em.  We’ve found good deals at Target.  We’ve also found some weird accents and smells at Target.  Onward.

So here’s the issue.  The idea of the DG’s crapper-keeper is to allay the onslaught of hours & days-old dipe odors.  Those can range from warm canteloupe to a box of blood-soaked peanuts from the Civil War.  The solid-food days of the toddler’s diet are the creators of epically weird poops.  Into diapers go said poops.  Said dipes go into said Genie.

And when you rub that lamp, SIM SALAABIM… The Diaper Genie comes out and grants you 3 wishes, all of which are “MAKE IT STOP BECAUSE MY EYESOCKETS ARE BURNING!”  Also known as “The Ghost Of Breakfast Past,” the DG upper-chamber traps all the up-waft of the dipe-loads of the deep.  You pop that top and get an odiferous uppercut of kid butt.  I’d rather a Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man threaten my high-rise.

So, between the cost of the Genie, the bags, and the lingering gross-ghost, I’d pass on the Diaper Genie.  Beware to all who rub the lamp.  Frankly I find it weird poop just keeps going from one hole to another, unless you work in corporate America, where it all rolls down the aisle of your cubicle… Another time…

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Having a Second Baby – A Preview

My wife’s about 11months pregnant right now, and we are beyond ready for this new baby to arrive. Even while our first one is off & on crying in his room instead of SLEEPING THE HELL OUT OF THE NIGHT, we’re pretty happy about the pending arrival. In the preceding months there have been a few discussions with other parents and friends about a 2nd baby. The best way to summarize these talks is “Mostly positive but it’s okay to shut your noisehole.” It’s amazing that some people believe simply having an opinion and a voice make either of them valid in everybody else’s world.

I have seen a lot of seemingly unsolicited voicing of the sentiment “WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP PROCREATING?!” and “I don’t want a baby ever, OMG, what would I do with all the random dick walking around my apartment?!” Hey, kids force you into a role you aren’t really ever ready for, but if your heart’s in the right place, you get ready pretty quickly. In the meantime, you realize that maybe all that dick isn’t in your best interest. Sucks to have your priorities, morals, and ideals shuffled for you. Life will do it if you don’t.

As for kids in restaurants, I feel really sorry for people who hate it when a kid saunters in and makes a little ruckus. Those poor folks think they have the right to a fancy, quiet dinner at Olive Garden! Hey, money-poor assholes, save up a few more bucks and eat elsewhere or head to the bar. The parents are doing the best we can to keep that kid under control, the good ones among us leave if the kid’s losing it, and it sucks ten times as much for us. So keep your stink-eye for your doctor when they say “Hey, how about a little less dick in your life?”

Sure, there are people who do NOT want kids. Some of them already have kids. Some of them don’t want the intrusion into their life of work, school, extended adolescence, I CANNOT FUCKING CONCENTRATE WHEN DANCING WITH THE STARS IS ON, promiscuity, drunken camping, and/or Crossfitting. Other people just don’t have the drive to procreate. Why can I still hear the judge’s scores, AND getting questions about what I’m doing? Leave me alone, I’m talking about how great our life is… faaaaawk…

So here’s the deal…
We’re parents. We parent. We are a family. We aren’t hobbyists when it comes to child-rearing. We’re sold on the idea of soccer practices, sports camps, play-dates, reading books to our kids 20 times a day, and major life prioritization. That’s for us to deal with. When I hear (from a few people) “Man, we think just the 1 kid is too much,” we already know that doing it well for just 1 kid – as there’s no real “Right” way – is hard enough. But we wanted another kid.
And our 2 kids will someday replace the scores of people who don’t want kids. Hell, they’ll replace US. And when the anti-kid folks grow old and diaper-filling, I will present to my kids a list of their names, and say “Yeah, they didn’t want to add to the generation that is now alive to help them in their final days.”

All I can hope is that we’ve taught them to do the right thing and stay out of other people’s business.

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Jesus, Heal This Woman

Yesterday’s sermon at church was pretty great, from what I got. Often I am distracted during service in a way that can only be noted as “other Christians bugging me.” This time it was the lady in front of me and her tic. She had either a nervous condition or the world’s worst throat-tickle.
Two short coughs followed by 2-5 low-volume throat clearings. For an hour. For an entire hour. The only time she did not do this was when she was rummaging through her purse near the end of the service, which made me realize this is just a nervous condition.
And the thoughts that went through my head while this went on were exactly those that made me feel as if I needed more church in my hours. Far, far away from that throat leper.

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Review – Tom’s Of Maine Toothpaste – Adults & Kids

I’ve been screwed a number of ways.  Besides the traditional screw-job (voter’s remorse), I often get screwed by products.  In this instance, my wife has purchased 2 versions of Tom’s Of Maine’s toothpaste.  Our first purchase was a few years ago.  That tube of colorless gel lingered, 7/8ths full, for well over 8 months.  She bought it out of concerns while pregnant, in that everything entering the home and/or her body must be of the utmost naturalness.  Once she broke down and mowed through a chili cheesedog and fries at the Mel’s Diner in Hollywood… stupid asshats at the Ben Harper show behind Jimmy Kimmel Live! kind of drove that decision.  But, I digress…

The adult version we had was the Flouride-free, anti-plaque and whitening tubal.  Just found out there’s a “Fennel” flavor, if you’re not getting enough licorice in your post-coffee mornings.  This didn’t work for us.  While expecting a mouth feeling fresh, or at the very least, free of residue, OPPOSITE DAY!
The lack of enough flavor is actually a flavor.  It’s where your nose thinks “mint” but your mouth is all “did I just think mint?”  So your olfactory and taste senses immediately disagree and walk off to the corner.
What you’re then left with is the feeling in your mouth of what may be slug gel.  It’s a clear gel but somehow still kind of gritty.  I’m not sure if it curdled after a while, but I’m wondering if we should have kept it as an option of recaulking some tub & tile corners.  Never finished the tube.

So, following a tradition of Hoping Against Knowledge, my wife recently bought Tom’s Children’s Flouride-Free Toothpaste.  Now we’re out about $8 on these products.  My 2year-old son is staunchly anti-Tom’s.  When he finished grimacing at the taste of it and jabbing at my eye with is tiny, adorable toofbert (his word), he began gnawing at the door trim to remove his teeth.  After calming him down with some Thomas & Friends on SproutTV, we dry-brushed his teeth, and used the rest of the toothpaste to fill nailholes in our crownmolding.

So anywho, no thanks, Tom’s.  I don’t know if Maine’s lacking a variety of toothpastes, but these just ain’t gonna do the trick.
Perhaps at least SOME animal testing, perhaps on humans, would help.

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Judge, Jury, Diaper Changer

Being a parent puts me into a group that I didn’t even know existed; Judgmental Parents.  I’ve been told by more than a few parents about how to parent my son.  Unsolicited advice is as lovely as a fart in a sauna.  It weaponizes an insult by spreading it thinly to say “I know more about your child than you do, based on 18sec of observation.”  It’s not as if my kid’s freaking out, rolling in glass shards, wiping snot on others, face-punching, or climbing up the slide (WHAT THE …!!!).  He’s just “rambunctious,” right?

Somebody thinks they have the answer to a particular kid-raising sitch.  This comes up frequently should I somehow mention a flaw, shortcoming, a… okay, here we go… an IMPERFECTION in the behavior of my son.  Maybe he doesn’t fall asleep so well some nights, you know, the way human beings tend to do.  And Perfect Parent responds with “Well it’s really important that children his age have a schedule, that really helps them know when it’s time to sleep, and when I should be kicked in the crotch.”
So the overhanging assumption is that my wife and I just randomly put our son down in the night time to see if he’s sleepy.  Sure, we’ve tried a crib, indoors, in a somewhat quiet area.  A couple times he seemed to like not having the lights on or a small fire burning in the room.  If he falls asleep, great! We won again!  We never adhere to a schedule, we just guess, and eschew any kind of clock watching or routine.  Thanks for setting us straight.  You’ve built a case before hearing any evidence, talking to any witnesses, or asking the accused straight-out… “Do you have any idea what the crap you’re doing?”

As long as we’re in Chambers, I may as well come clean.  I do this, too.  I’m not proud of it.

When I can’t tell what gender a child is due to a lack of hair shaping, non-descript clothing, and/or naming (e.g. Tyler, Jadan, Harlem).
Or if a kid is running around with a face so snot-glazed that it’s obvious the parent is either unprepared or lazy or inattentive.
Or if a kid is super-aggressive and isn’t being disciplined by their parent.  And I mean disciplined, not “Hey, Maximillionaire, you need to STOP THAT.”  That’s horseshit, lazy parenting.
It all comes back to what the parents are putting into the situation.

But I usually internalize it instead of telling the parent, unsolicited, why a bikini top and sweatpants are probably not right at church, even if they are teaching their son “Creative Independnce.”  Mind my business.  And mind your own.

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Little Help From My Friends

I have had a struggle lately in getting feedback from some of my closest friends. As Life goes, we’re busy. We’re not the kind of busy a 25 year-old with a muffin-sweet rump and bleached teeth is with music and friend’s boats and taking pictures with their hands in the air at clubs; no, we’re actually busy. Kids, careers, families, meds, soccer practices, interviews, upgrades, technology. All of that stuff is taking time away from friendship. And I have single, unmarried, childless friends who still seem to be too busy to pick up a phone and tag me in a Facebook photo. Seriously, the line’s drawn out as far as it can go.

There are some folks who can forever be friends with very little involvement in your life. And some you simply miss the company of, as something that helps you enjoy your life.

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