Review – Tom’s Of Maine Toothpaste – Adults & Kids

I’ve been screwed a number of ways.  Besides the traditional screw-job (voter’s remorse), I often get screwed by products.  In this instance, my wife has purchased 2 versions of Tom’s Of Maine’s toothpaste.  Our first purchase was a few years ago.  That tube of colorless gel lingered, 7/8ths full, for well over 8 months.  She bought it out of concerns while pregnant, in that everything entering the home and/or her body must be of the utmost naturalness.  Once she broke down and mowed through a chili cheesedog and fries at the Mel’s Diner in Hollywood… stupid asshats at the Ben Harper show behind Jimmy Kimmel Live! kind of drove that decision.  But, I digress…

The adult version we had was the Flouride-free, anti-plaque and whitening tubal.  Just found out there’s a “Fennel” flavor, if you’re not getting enough licorice in your post-coffee mornings.  This didn’t work for us.  While expecting a mouth feeling fresh, or at the very least, free of residue, OPPOSITE DAY!
The lack of enough flavor is actually a flavor.  It’s where your nose thinks “mint” but your mouth is all “did I just think mint?”  So your olfactory and taste senses immediately disagree and walk off to the corner.
What you’re then left with is the feeling in your mouth of what may be slug gel.  It’s a clear gel but somehow still kind of gritty.  I’m not sure if it curdled after a while, but I’m wondering if we should have kept it as an option of recaulking some tub & tile corners.  Never finished the tube.

So, following a tradition of Hoping Against Knowledge, my wife recently bought Tom’s Children’s Flouride-Free Toothpaste.  Now we’re out about $8 on these products.  My 2year-old son is staunchly anti-Tom’s.  When he finished grimacing at the taste of it and jabbing at my eye with is tiny, adorable toofbert (his word), he began gnawing at the door trim to remove his teeth.  After calming him down with some Thomas & Friends on SproutTV, we dry-brushed his teeth, and used the rest of the toothpaste to fill nailholes in our crownmolding.

So anywho, no thanks, Tom’s.  I don’t know if Maine’s lacking a variety of toothpastes, but these just ain’t gonna do the trick.
Perhaps at least SOME animal testing, perhaps on humans, would help.

About Geoff Lott

Geoff Lott is a "thinking person's comedian" as much as a "drinking person's comedian." Born and raised near Seattle, his writing and comedy is Cloudy with a Chance of Hope. Less offensive than your average nightly news program, Geoff is opinionated with intent, and a rebel without a clause. A comedian, actor, dad, husband, co-worker, weirdo, and great friend, Geoff Lott has a sense of humor like a sommelier's sense of smell; aged well, with a hint of dark chocolate, Irish whiskey, and leather. Credits and press kit available upon request!
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