Yesterday’s sermon at church was pretty great, from what I got. Often I am distracted during service in a way that can only be noted as “other Christians bugging me.” This time it was the lady in front of me and her tic. She had either a nervous condition or the world’s worst throat-tickle.
Two short coughs followed by 2-5 low-volume throat clearings. For an hour. For an entire hour. The only time she did not do this was when she was rummaging through her purse near the end of the service, which made me realize this is just a nervous condition.
And the thoughts that went through my head while this went on were exactly those that made me feel as if I needed more church in my hours. Far, far away from that throat leper.
Review – Tom’s Of Maine Toothpaste – Adults & Kids
I’ve been screwed a number of ways. Besides the traditional screw-job (voter’s remorse), I often get screwed by products. In this instance, my wife has purchased 2 versions of Tom’s Of Maine’s toothpaste. Our first purchase was a few years ago. That tube of colorless gel lingered, 7/8ths full, for well over 8 months. She bought it out of concerns while pregnant, in that everything entering the home and/or her body must be of the utmost naturalness. Once she broke down and mowed through a chili cheesedog and fries at the Mel’s Diner in Hollywood… stupid asshats at the Ben Harper show behind Jimmy Kimmel Live! kind of drove that decision. But, I digress…
The adult version we had was the Flouride-free, anti-plaque and whitening tubal. Just found out there’s a “Fennel” flavor, if you’re not getting enough licorice in your post-coffee mornings. This didn’t work for us. While expecting a mouth feeling fresh, or at the very least, free of residue, OPPOSITE DAY!
The lack of enough flavor is actually a flavor. It’s where your nose thinks “mint” but your mouth is all “did I just think mint?” So your olfactory and taste senses immediately disagree and walk off to the corner.
What you’re then left with is the feeling in your mouth of what may be slug gel. It’s a clear gel but somehow still kind of gritty. I’m not sure if it curdled after a while, but I’m wondering if we should have kept it as an option of recaulking some tub & tile corners. Never finished the tube.
So, following a tradition of Hoping Against Knowledge, my wife recently bought Tom’s Children’s Flouride-Free Toothpaste. Now we’re out about $8 on these products. My 2year-old son is staunchly anti-Tom’s. When he finished grimacing at the taste of it and jabbing at my eye with is tiny, adorable toofbert (his word), he began gnawing at the door trim to remove his teeth. After calming him down with some Thomas & Friends on SproutTV, we dry-brushed his teeth, and used the rest of the toothpaste to fill nailholes in our crownmolding.
So anywho, no thanks, Tom’s. I don’t know if Maine’s lacking a variety of toothpastes, but these just ain’t gonna do the trick.
Perhaps at least SOME animal testing, perhaps on humans, would help.
Judge, Jury, Diaper Changer
Being a parent puts me into a group that I didn’t even know existed; Judgmental Parents. I’ve been told by more than a few parents about how to parent my son. Unsolicited advice is as lovely as a fart in a sauna. It weaponizes an insult by spreading it thinly to say “I know more about your child than you do, based on 18sec of observation.” It’s not as if my kid’s freaking out, rolling in glass shards, wiping snot on others, face-punching, or climbing up the slide (WHAT THE …!!!). He’s just “rambunctious,” right?
Somebody thinks they have the answer to a particular kid-raising sitch. This comes up frequently should I somehow mention a flaw, shortcoming, a… okay, here we go… an IMPERFECTION in the behavior of my son. Maybe he doesn’t fall asleep so well some nights, you know, the way human beings tend to do. And Perfect Parent responds with “Well it’s really important that children his age have a schedule, that really helps them know when it’s time to sleep, and when I should be kicked in the crotch.”
So the overhanging assumption is that my wife and I just randomly put our son down in the night time to see if he’s sleepy. Sure, we’ve tried a crib, indoors, in a somewhat quiet area. A couple times he seemed to like not having the lights on or a small fire burning in the room. If he falls asleep, great! We won again! We never adhere to a schedule, we just guess, and eschew any kind of clock watching or routine. Thanks for setting us straight. You’ve built a case before hearing any evidence, talking to any witnesses, or asking the accused straight-out… “Do you have any idea what the crap you’re doing?”
As long as we’re in Chambers, I may as well come clean. I do this, too. I’m not proud of it.
When I can’t tell what gender a child is due to a lack of hair shaping, non-descript clothing, and/or naming (e.g. Tyler, Jadan, Harlem).
Or if a kid is running around with a face so snot-glazed that it’s obvious the parent is either unprepared or lazy or inattentive.
Or if a kid is super-aggressive and isn’t being disciplined by their parent. And I mean disciplined, not “Hey, Maximillionaire, you need to STOP THAT.” That’s horseshit, lazy parenting.
It all comes back to what the parents are putting into the situation.
But I usually internalize it instead of telling the parent, unsolicited, why a bikini top and sweatpants are probably not right at church, even if they are teaching their son “Creative Independnce.” Mind my business. And mind your own.
Little Help From My Friends
I have had a struggle lately in getting feedback from some of my closest friends. As Life goes, we’re busy. We’re not the kind of busy a 25 year-old with a muffin-sweet rump and bleached teeth is with music and friend’s boats and taking pictures with their hands in the air at clubs; no, we’re actually busy. Kids, careers, families, meds, soccer practices, interviews, upgrades, technology. All of that stuff is taking time away from friendship. And I have single, unmarried, childless friends who still seem to be too busy to pick up a phone and tag me in a Facebook photo. Seriously, the line’s drawn out as far as it can go.
There are some folks who can forever be friends with very little involvement in your life. And some you simply miss the company of, as something that helps you enjoy your life.
Who Is Critical Dad, and What’s He Doin’?
Hey guys,what’s up?
Oh good, another dadblog. Another dad with a boner for being a dad and just really loving the community and man it’s hard being a dad but the emotional boner for dadhood remains, right?
No. Critical Dad isn’t about parenting tips – at least not exclusively. It’s not about facing the side-shat relationship you and your dad haven’t resolved since you got older. I’m not your therapist. I’m not going to bore the corn out of you with “my kid did the funniest thing” stories or yet another poignant moment in which my son’s childlike wonder recalibrated my outlook on mattress store sign-holders.
Critical Dad is where I will take apart more than a few products, books, foodstuffs, and/or store policies as I see fit. I’m not an expert. I’m a guy Working through a marriage, fatherhood (1 boy, 1 on the way), and the daily living that is the bullshit that for too many people passes as Life.
I know enough to know that I need to learn a lot more, but I’m no mouth-breathing burnout hoping his parents drop so he can really bolster his sword collection with the inheritance droppings. Not really gansta, either, but I get in my fair share of disputes with people at the store over whether or not they are taking too damn long, and why the hell are they writing a check?
I doubt I’ll change many minds, but ultimately I want to shed light on a few things:
1) Our spending habits as a nation.
2) What we view as “good” vs. “the thoughtless go-to.”
3) How easy it is to open your mind, especially when stuff is free.
So that’s the amuse bouche, if you will, the appy for your happy.
Gab at ya soon, thanks for reading.
Geoff Lott - Comedy And More 