OK, Co-Worker… You’re a Nicehole

He comments on what you’re eating, then backs it up by saying he can’t eat that because he has a medical condition that prevents issue-free digestion of said food. Then pounds SILK Soy Creamer into his tea. Dude, it’s chicken, broccoli, and almonds.

He eats 4-8 pieces of fruit per day, spending about 30min washing it in the workplace kitchen sink.

He wears black undershirts, under his work shirts.

He wears pleated pants. For the love of Claude…

He walks by people in conversation and throws in a “Hey guys” as though they had acknowledged his approach and passing.

He doesn’t wear a wedding ring, so he’s either divorced or one of those married assholes who doesn’t wear a wedding ring.

He is monotonous, which comes across less “cool” and more “condescending.”

I may be reading something into this, but I wouldn’t drive to a gig with this guy, so he gets the Nicehole* award.

————————————————

*nicehole – n. – Any person who doesn’t overtly act in a manner that warrants being thrown to the ground, yet drives you up the wall. Ex; Starting conversations they want to dominate. Comparing their troubles as a pet owner to yours as a parent. Unable to take a visual or verbal cue that you’d like to end the interaction. Pestering in a “Oh come on, you’ll have fun” kind of way.

If you have seen the movie “Extract,” David Koechner’s character “Nathan,” the guy across the street is a perfect example.

July 18, 2013 0

American Microcosm: The Con-do Attitude

Condominium: (CON-doe-min-ee-um) n. From Latin for “domi” (home) and “con” (together). Also from English for “con-dom,” meaning a small space for an uncomfortable screwing.

I made a huge mistake years ago in buying a condo unit. Basically you get to own an apartment alongside people who want you to observe quiet hours and hate yardwork. And then you get to pay a fee to an association to take care of all the issues, which usually will be a backed-up main-out for the building’s sewer system or the damage from that not being caught in time.

I compounded my idiocy by agreeing to be on the Board of Directors for the Association, which is combined with a few apartment buildings for reasons nobody can figure out. Like many celebrity marriages, this coupling happened in the 1980’s probably around money and hidden agendas and has always been a lie about what’s really going on. The grouping of Condos and Apartments into one association is like having the Montagues and Capulets in the same roller rink. Sure, there’s rivalry and … No? Um… Hatfields and McCoys? Nothing, huh? Well we shouldn’t be linked the way we are into one association. And now I’m leading the effort to split the condos from the apartments to have a single association. New real estate rules, for most major lenders, state that they will not lend money for the purchase of a unit in an association that rents out >50% of its units. The apartments are 80 units, the condos are 50, so we’re over the 50% and can’t get lending for people who wanna sell. Refinancing is also rolled into this issue.

A few years ago when the market adjusted downwardly, which was actually a correction spurred by the predatory and Soul-committed-to-Hell lending practices of the fucking bank dicks. Can’t pay + foreclosures = Lowered property values w/high mortgages and APRs (Astronomic Percentage Rape). Again, people can’t get refinanced due the >50% rule. So we’re trying to get our own world established and help everybody along.

I then pulled together a Dipshit’s Double and agreed to a SECOND TERM on the Board to allow for consistency in the transition. It has been during this split that I have felt the most like a traditionally-defined American in my life.

I am part of the “government,” yet hate the way it’s being run and still have little power to change things.
Those who are not in the government dislike it and many believe it is poorly managed and has secrets.
Everybody has the answer to make a perfect nation. Nobody has any desire to put in any effort to see that world come to fruition. 2 hours a week is too much.
Every new person sees only what’s wrong and how to fix it. They speak before they ask.
Ex-patriates fling negative comments back over the border, and are usually met with some courtesy. Lately, however, I’ve taken to telling them how happy I am they are no longer part of the group. Get out. Stay out. Eat shit.
Everybody wants it to be better. We need far more money (taxes) and resources (workers) to make it better. Nobody wants to give any more money, because the money given in the past has been perceived to have been misspent. Still…
The perceived misspending has ended up in the form of repaired decks, fences, unit cleaning and restoration following sewer back-ups and water damage, and higher insurance claims due to all. A budget doesn’t dictate a course that needs corrections.
Everybody is more concerned with the impact of the Association’s operation within their own walls, while the Association cares mostly about making sure the walls are strong, quiet, and free of rodents and rot. What you do in your own hoarded filth is your business unless I can smell it.
Good fences make good neighbors. And when those neighbors invite friends over who don’t respect fences, the neighbors have to be told at 7am that their boyfriend’s 185-lb mastiff really should not be dropping plops on the sidewalk.
Nobody respects a financial fine without legal action. Give me a bill for $5 for “Lack of Communication,” I won’t pay it. Put a boot on my car with a $200 bill for having an ugly paintjob, I’ll pay it and then have to fight The Man about the $200 and who determines what “ugly” is.

Never buy a condo unless you’re over 45 and it is less than 10 years old.
If you care, serve on the board. It’s usually volunteer, but a great lesson in why people don’t volunteer. If you don’t, be helpful in your comments and feedback.
If you can’t say anything nice, at least be civil.
If you can’t be civil, eat shit.
Remember, always buy the nicest house on the crappiest block, or the near-crappiest house on the nicest block. Never buy the crappiest on the crappiest.

Ultimately we will end up splitting off and people can refi or sell. Lotta short sales coming. A few foreclosures, probably. Good time to buy a place. As long as it’s not a condo.

May 9, 2013 0

Comment Please

It’s a basic human right that if you have the ability to express yourself, you should be able to express yourself without fear of tyrannical, violent downforce, be it Governmental, Societal, or Cee-Lo. For real, tho. However, a growing number of people in society have confused “Right To Speak” with “Cannot Be Judged,” and “Should Not Be Reprimanded Whatsoever.” These people are either immature, overly-self-empowered, or a high-functioning mentally handicapped (MH) person. Many of them are probably still in High School, or (insert enemy political party here).

If you want to see what our society really feels, just go to any news story online that allows comments, make sure the story is about politics or has a person of an ethnicity that isn’t WASPy, and have a field day. Stopping short of using the “N-word” doesn’t show a person is intelligent and well-mannered; it only shows they WANNA USE IT, but aren’t sure if anybody’s got their back. In the previous paragraph I held back from saying “Retard” because that does offend some people, although I think you can call other people “retarded” if you have a diagnosed (and somewhat obvious) form of what was once referred to as “retardation.” I would say it’s funnier for a MH to call somebody a “retard,” though not as call as when Daquan calls you “his N-word.” If he called you his “retard,” that’s a bit much, unless Daquan himself is MH’ed, then he’s probably racist.

So when those comments are posted, or the comments people post on that Instagram picture of your first attempt at rose water-infused, gluten-free competitive cheesecake, make you feel like, golly, you could just rip the fucker’s face off and powershit into their now-lipless mouth-hole, WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Call ’em out. Fight back a little and defend yourself. Don’t get defensive, just state your case. Let their names be known, if you can. Anonymity is the One Ring That Binds internet comment trolls.
Ignore it. Lots of trolls out there, who are just trying to start crap and truly have nothing better to do than try and start internet fights. They breathe in life from making a point of taking time to crap on whatever they can find to crap on. They have very little originality to offer. It happens, shrug it off.
Go all-out and get in the fray. Fire off every word you can think of for every negative comment and let people know you are NOT messing around on your comments section.
Pick Your Battles. Not everything is worth going to the mat for. Know what’s off-limits, and let people know, and if they don’t censor themselves, see #3. Remember the first person to use CAPS LOCK in their reply, loses.

Instead of shrugging off everything, mix it up. Keep people guessing. Ignoring stuff is the ultimate self-empowerment. Some folks, however, do it in real life and that’s inexcusable. I’ll address how to handle public judgment of others in a future post. Save yourself the hassle and just buy a boat horn right now, though.

Just remember… fighting on the internet is like being in the Special Olympics…
Find me on Twitter; @glottrules

http://www.geofflottrules.com

November 1, 2012 1

Is Consulting For You?

Consulting is nothing new to business. It’s been happening since the first caveman asked a buddy to figure out how they could get more speed on their spear-throws. They had different words for “spear” and “buddy,” of course, which we now call “product” and “peer.” So the path has been well-worn for at least 50 years. Are you thinking about walking it?

I first left a major company after realizing there was literally nowhere for my career to go. That was after seven years of skill development, great benefits, moderate pay increases, and being taken-over by a competitor. I had some skills that might keep me working there, for a bit more money, but it was up to me to get out and look for something better. Why? Because I had debt, of course! But honestly, hey, we’re working people. We are hunters, hence the “job hunt.” Hey, that’s why I’m here. Let me show you how to get more distance on that resumé, buddy.

But first, I will tell you this: It’s okay to be freaked out by looking for a new job. Instability happens, especially in competitive industries such as Mobile Telecom and Pretty Much Every Business. You don’t own your job, your desk, or your “space” until you do something that is so incredibly invaluable for the company that they wouldn’t think of letting you go. Don’t worry, it’s just The Truth of the workplace these days. Own your career, if not your desk-space. Here are a few reasons to go into Consulting and Contract work.

Playing The Odds:
Not too long ago I was in a panel interview at a wireless telecom giant, and the manager mentioned that his department (IT Planning) was around 60-70% contracted workers. You have a better chance getting placed via contract/consulting work than going through the normal methods of applying to a job via the company website. Eventually I got past my emotional attachment to the color of my badge and designation as either Full Time or Contract. I quit hinging the worth of my employment on whether or not I got to attend off-site rallies with full-timers. I got to the point where finishing work well and on-time was more important than sitting in on a 90minute catered lunch with a guest speaker. WORK TO DO. DO WORK. Get working, serve your project, deliver with style, get paid. You’re among friends.

Attitude Count$:
“Serve the Project.” I have worked with a lot of Full-Timers (FT’ers) who stand on either side of the “Innovation” fence. That is, one particular program manager I worked for was so sharp, affable, personable, and driven that we both knew his position was a step towards a much larger body of work outside the company. Also, I have sat in meetings where work is piling up and instead of assessing the approach and handling of the pile, the FT’ers leaned back and said “Oh well, I’m on vacation in 2 weeks anyway.” As a consultant my main task is doing a good job for the client; meeting and exceeding their expectations. I’m still competitive enough and have enough pride to wanna kick ass. Even if I’m not leaping out of bed every day to gather requirements like so many daffodils, flitting about the office to facilitate Change Management, and cheering up every soul regardless of their badge color, I’m there to serve the project’s needs and be paid well for it. So I do that, happily.

The Wide Walk Of Work:
So you have Analyst and Project Leadership experience? Great. In Healthcare? Awesome. And you think the only positions you can handle are in Healthcare? Not necessarily. First, embrace your niche. Healthcare is going to be HUUUUUUUUUGE in the next 20 years. Bet on it. If you can see trends in technology and how they’ll mesh with your industry’s growth you are well-ahead of most folks. Second, can you see how your experience would feed other industries? Fresh minds are needed for any industry’s growth, or at least, stability. Your transition from Healthcare experience to Mobile Computing may take a while, but really it breaks down to X’s and O’s; your skill + new terminology + credibility building = HIRED! Don’t limit yourself to only your industry of experience. I found myself in a food service company after years in wireless technology, and loved it!

Duration Variance:
You may be on a project for 2 years. More than likely it will be less than 12 months. I had a 5 month contract shortened to 2 because the department’s delivery strategy shifted. It happens. This is where being a full-timer to your company counts, and having saved that money beforehand comes in handy. Hopefully you have a bench to work from and get paid while honing a few skills before the next job. But if you’re somebody who likes to see things come together, launch, and repeat a few times… then you get a little antsy… this is a good road to walk.

Finances:
You often are making a greater hourly rate in contracting than you were as a FT’er. Why? Because you, or your firm, is charging more and it filters out a few more things like taxes. Oh, and the company you’re at isn’t investing in your 401k or Stock Options, so you make it up in cash. Never sell yourself short, and if you’re not ready to negotiate, go buy a book on negotiating. Money is a trade for your service. Try paying your mortgage with beers your pals owe you.

If you’re Independent, always get the contract in writing, and have an “early end” clause. For example, if you sign on for 8 months at $7K/month, include a clause that says “For every week less than 32 weeks the Consultant’s services are not needed, client will be paid ½ a standard week’s pay in a single payment.” This keeps you working at your full rate for the agreed-upon time, and if not, at least you’re not totally out the pay you could have been getting from the client or elsewhere. If they balk, offer to lower it to 1/3^rd, but don’t empty your pockets for the sake of courtesy. You’d rather be getting paid and helping out than pounding the keyboard and interviewing for work.

And save, save, save all you can, enough for about 3 months of expenses in case you find yourself on an unexpected vacation.

Socialize:
Social interwebbing is vital to your job search. From LinkedIn to FaceBook to Twitter, everything you put out there represents you, either as a person or a potential candidate. What does your online presence say about you? Are your strengths and experiences evident? If you aren’t savvy in it yet, well, I just Googled “job search and social media” and got over 200,000,000 results. I’ll let you know what I find in there. Get using technology as a means to an end; it’s not just what you’re working on, it’s working on you, too.

Consulting work and Contract work are going to be prevalent for quite a while. I doubt the forming of a Union to protect our interests, but if you are wondering who those people are that show up one day and start ruffling feathers, arranging work schedules, and presenting project plans… then are out before the holidays… that’s us. That’s me. We’re here to help that spear bring down bigger game. Good hunting.

April 24, 2012 0

Helicopter Parents & GroundPatrol Kids

There are some play areas in public places that are designed for kids around ages “Crawling well-to-4’ish.” They’re based pretty much on a height limit, usually noted by a body-part of a cartoon animal. “If you can suckle from this giraffe, your involvement is a gaffe!” Some-such… and the parents for the most part aren’t really governing the situation. There’s always a kid who’s too tall and too weird for the joint who’s probably just on his parent’s last nerve. That’s why there’s a Lego store.

I take our oldest guy (2.5 yrs) to a few of these places every 6-8 weeks, depending on the weather and time of day. He likes it enough to not want to leave after 30minutes, and it tires him out, builds coordination, gives him a healthy dose of interaction, etc. Also causes me minor panic attacks. Usually the joint’s overrun with kids, the way it oughtta be, and a packed airspace of “Helicopter Parents.” They act as labeled – hovering within feet of their kid’s activity, constantly voice-guiding their child like a sonar ping. “Aiden! Don’t hang on the lighthouse parapet. Aiden! Not YOU, sorry, AIDEN MAXIMUS… NO, NOT YOU, GAAAH! Maddie go get your br… sorry, MadeLINE, go get your brother.” Even better when one kid has 2 parents and a grandparent hovering around, 1 directing while 1 captures burgeoning narcissism and the other documents flowering misanthropy on smartphone cameras.

The worst of the Heli-parents are the Heli-Sippers. Fresh into the play area with knee-high kids running around, what better way to enjoy it than with a steaming-hot, freshly made latte in-hand? Oh, even better, stare at your phone amidst the cacophony of Figure-8 Racing that is a toddler’s play area!

Next-worse are the asshole parents of the asshole kids stuck along the perimeter, phone-thumbing their way through social media while IN A COMPLETELY CROWDED PUBLIC SPACE. Their kid is the one on top of the foam boat, purposely but passively giving kids the kick-back while screaming “I am the CHAM-PEE-ONNN!” Actually, Cade-aid-maximaden, you are 9 years old and need to get your ass off the boat before I engineer a slip-off. It’s always a boy, he’s usually got red hair or a big head, and his parents haven’t had him tested to see which chromosome caused the 11^th-14^th toes.

Nobody ever says anything. Ever. I am beginning to. I’ve told kids who push other kids “You’re not a very nice little boy, are you?” They don’t like that. Or “You shouldn’t push kids, or they will push you.” Huh, what? Responsibility? Accountability what? My son doesn’t touch other kids, but he is telling them now “It’s MY turn” and they move and he says “Thank you” and then won’t go down the F’ing slide and I look like my kid’s scared of everything.

I’m not perfect, soooo far from-far-from perfect. But I am trying to teach my oldest to stay out of other kid’s faces, no pushing, and to verbalize what he’s feeling. Ain’t easy. Eventually a kid from another country will not like his tone and knock him down. Then that kid’s dad will get thrown in a garbage can. StealthFighterDad among Helicopter Parents. I will drill you from high above in the play area. Then I will sanitize my hands with foamitizer and get a cupcake. Because America.

Be present. Say something. Parent, as a verb.

March 26, 2012 5

Crosswalk to Bear

Every morning’s commute comes to an end just after a brief encounter with any number of people madly crossing streets against the signals. Within a half-mile of the parking lot are a few encampments for transient folks, a well-attended medical clinic, and a ton of stoplights, train crossings, busways, and pond-sized potholes. Bad timing can add 15minutes to your last half mile if you hit all the lights, allowing for plenty of inter-windshield eye contact with passersby, many of whom may not actually see you there.

Once, months ago in a fine Seattle rain and 40 degrees, 2 young men crossed against the light while I sat in my car, waiting… waiting for them to slooooowly get to the other side. One of them turned from under his hoodie and stared at me as though I was the one who elevator-farted, and he would pocket that info to keep me honest. Instead, I rolled my window down as they got half-way across, stopped in the rain while I yelled, “Hey guys!? It’s raining like hell out there, but take your time, I’m pretty comfortable!” The tenacity of their responding “FUCK YOU FAGGOT” belied their otherwise calm demeanor. You know how bros joke around…

And thus…

CROSSWALK HAIKU

I see you seething

Walk slowly and glare at me

Contrasting climates

Against the Rules, Light

Perpendicular to Green

I shrug off your mean

You glower at me

Challenge my gas pedal, sir?

You clock in nowhere

Take your time, Spirit

Heated breath into the cold

Mad walk so slowly?

Empathy given

A life chosen and pushed through

Not all is my fault

Why glare at me, man?

Stopped, waiting, I shrug it off

Warm podcast cocoon

January 30, 2012 0

ADD’ing It Up – Alpha Brain, NOW Foods, and Hope

I may have ADD. I’m pretty sure I can’t chalk up the numerous side-steps and half-done projects of my life to being distracted by others all the time. Some of these loose ends are perhaps my nature, but some of them are things that, left undone, leave me worse-off. A lack of focus, or a compulsivity to anti-work, combined with a desire to really, truly WANT to finish something is a fantastic step towards the maddening of everybody who depends on me in some way. Like Family and Work, you know… no bigs. New baby, longer commute, less sleep, oh yeah, recipe for success, folks.

Whatever level of ADD I have, however it’s categorized, isn’t like a form of mental illness, for me. There’s a point of medication a “crazy” person can take that dials down the crazy to a level where they can function as a person, but perhaps not a spouse or parent or friend. I feel for those people, having seen my own father lose a battle with dementia at too early an age. I’m not crazy; more like my brain runs 10,000 RPM most of the time, and it’s shooting sparks and ideas and things I ought to go do, but nothing is there to put it in gear. That’s where my new adventure comes in. I am positive and happy that a lot of people in our lives have a cocktail of brain chemicals that are better off stirred with a little extra shot of this-‘r-that. But that’s not where it stops, in the doctor’s office.

The past few months have been somewhat cleaner, mind-wise. First, I was turned on to something called “Alpha Brain” via Joe Rogan’s tweets. I’m skeptical of most things, but imagine playing a game of bumper cars with your ideas every day. DO THIS, I’M DOING THIS RIGHT AFTER I DO THIS, BUT FIRST I’LL DO THIS AND THAT WILL BE THERE LATER… what was I going to do again? Then just a period of unproductive screen staring. Go into a room to get the laundry. Clean the room. Forget the laundry.
Seriously, this cannot be just boredom with life. Plus there was a feeling as if I had a fog, a layer of fuzz in the middle of my head that was like the fog of a hangover without the pain. I feel most days like my brain is holding its breath all day. So when I saw Alpha Brain, I was willing to try anything. Plus it’s a natural supplement. I can’t be staunchly anti-pharma when trying to medicate myself back to normal wavelength, but I do believe that Nature holds a cure for nearly every human ailment. And holy shit, folks, Alpha Brain is the REAL DEAL. The fog was gone. The acuity was razor. The 3-steps-ahead thinking was automatic. I’m not talking “Limitless” starring Bradley “A-List Ass All Day” Cooper, but the closest I’d ever get. I have a few Alpha Brain left for some of my more important days coming up. $35 plus shipping.

It was a bit pricey for me to keep re-upping at the time, so I researched NOW Foods, and found 2 of their supplements close to what Alpha Brain delivered. First, Brain Elevate, and also, True Focus. Natural supplements, not loaded with lab-borne items.But the cocktail of BE and TF have served me very well in the past 2 months. Most days I’ll take 2 BE and a TF in the morning with water and a cup of coffee. There’s not only a focus but also a calmness; I’m not buzzed, I’m just There. No panic, no mental ping-pong. Focused and cognisant of what I’m supposed to do. True, this is a medicated version of me, and probably a laconic one. But I’ve also performed comedy after “dosing,” and I’ve never felt sharper or more in-gear than those sets. Total investment, $22 through www.Netrition.com.

So now I’m about to start trying something called Concerta, a.k.a. Methylphenidate. Yeah, this stuff costs $153 on my Aetna plan, thanks a ton for the NoPremium/HighDeductible plan! Concerta may help me a bit better or worse than where I am. It may zone me out. It may dial me in. I don’t really know. But for $153, it either has to work all the way or I’ll be incredibly pissed off. This is a prime example of why BigPharma is going after supplement companies in Congress. See the giant gap in the Supplement Price vs. Concerta? $100 less for all-natural ingredients. Still not sure I’m gonna go on this stuff. I fear mostly the zombie effect that these drugs can throw into the day. If anybody has any experience with it, lemme know. For the most part I feel as happy and dialed-in as ever without something like this, not knowing how strong it is.

But I ain’t losing sleep over it.

January 8, 2012 10

Having a Second Baby – A Preview

My wife’s about 11months pregnant right now, and we are beyond ready for this new baby to arrive. Even while our first one is off & on crying in his room instead of SLEEPING THE HELL OUT OF THE NIGHT, we’re pretty happy about the pending arrival. In the preceding months there have been a few discussions with other parents and friends about a 2nd baby. The best way to summarize these talks is “Mostly positive but it’s okay to shut your noisehole.” It’s amazing that some people believe simply having an opinion and a voice make either of them valid in everybody else’s world.

I have seen a lot of seemingly unsolicited voicing of the sentiment “WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP PROCREATING?!” and “I don’t want a baby ever, OMG, what would I do with all the random dick walking around my apartment?!” Hey, kids force you into a role you aren’t really ever ready for, but if your heart’s in the right place, you get ready pretty quickly. In the meantime, you realize that maybe all that dick isn’t in your best interest. Sucks to have your priorities, morals, and ideals shuffled for you. Life will do it if you don’t.

As for kids in restaurants, I feel really sorry for people who hate it when a kid saunters in and makes a little ruckus. Those poor folks think they have the right to a fancy, quiet dinner at Olive Garden! Hey, money-poor assholes, save up a few more bucks and eat elsewhere or head to the bar. The parents are doing the best we can to keep that kid under control, the good ones among us leave if the kid’s losing it, and it sucks ten times as much for us. So keep your stink-eye for your doctor when they say “Hey, how about a little less dick in your life?”

Sure, there are people who do NOT want kids. Some of them already have kids. Some of them don’t want the intrusion into their life of work, school, extended adolescence, I CANNOT FUCKING CONCENTRATE WHEN DANCING WITH THE STARS IS ON, promiscuity, drunken camping, and/or Crossfitting. Other people just don’t have the drive to procreate. Why can I still hear the judge’s scores, AND getting questions about what I’m doing? Leave me alone, I’m talking about how great our life is… faaaaawk…

So here’s the deal…
We’re parents. We parent. We are a family. We aren’t hobbyists when it comes to child-rearing. We’re sold on the idea of soccer practices, sports camps, play-dates, reading books to our kids 20 times a day, and major life prioritization. That’s for us to deal with. When I hear (from a few people) “Man, we think just the 1 kid is too much,” we already know that doing it well for just 1 kid – as there’s no real “Right” way – is hard enough. But we wanted another kid.
And our 2 kids will someday replace the scores of people who don’t want kids. Hell, they’ll replace US. And when the anti-kid folks grow old and diaper-filling, I will present to my kids a list of their names, and say “Yeah, they didn’t want to add to the generation that is now alive to help them in their final days.”

All I can hope is that we’ve taught them to do the right thing and stay out of other people’s business.

October 24, 2011 1

Tag: Advice