My Smartest Joke Of All Time?

My humor really comes from a few layers under the “joke,” finding wit and layer under the window dressing.  Sometimes it’s mean, sometimes it’s really lame, sometimes nobody gets it.

But this may be the smartest joke I’ve ever written. 

“And as Pheidippedes last few breaths came and went, he uttered to his Athenian brethren;
Let history resound my love for Greece on every new moon, with 18 consecutive hours of reality television programs!’ “

In other words, we use the word Marathon quite liberally in the American language (I don’t want to offend the English).  We misuse a LOT of words for slang and what-not, but sometimes, were you to put yourself in the place of the person who invented or is afflicted by a word used for marketing or humor, hey, maybe not so funny. 

Another example;
If I were an addict, I think I would take great offense to somebody tagging their peccadillo with “-aholic.”  Like a “shop-aholic” or a “chocoholic.”  Because alcoholics struggle to control the signals in their brains and thoughts on a moment-to-moment basis so they can keep their lives together, and that shouldn’t be taken too lightly.  Unless of course you tried to rationalize that time you blew your friend’s step-dad for a bag of miniature candy-bars, of course, OK, you ARE a Chocoholic!  Now THAT is a Hershey’s Kiss.  You need to get to a meeting and stop Looking For Mr. Goodbar.” 

So anyway, don’t accept lame comedy.  You’re better than that.

 

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If you’d like to see how quickly the civilized world is degrading, look no further than the Comments section of any on-line local news story.  What starts as a forum for community members to express their opinions of how much clothing a barista needs to wear, quickly spirals into political pissing-matches, name-calling, race-baiting, Obama bashing, and general dumbassery.  It’s the kind of language that if used in a public place across a table would get the speaker either removed from that city council meeting and/or punched in the face many times.  Many, many times.

For example, after reading this article about a man arrested for cutting into safes and being caught, here is one of the comments… Is it about the detectives?  The criminal?  Let’s find out!!!

Thats why I read the story. Wasn’t anything near a safe. Maybe sheeple boxes, but definitely nothing I would have much less use for storing anything but crap in.

Keyboard Badasses.  Qwerty Warriors.  Internet Assassins.  Trolls.  This dude’s lettin’ people know ain’t nobody gonna do nothin’ to his safe that’s not a piece of crap no-how.
The anonymity of the internet allows people to express, at times, a linguistic acuity within a spectrum of “skull half-full of sloth vomit” to “prison-educated neo-Nazi.”  And it’s all because we gave people with access to the internet a “voice” via the Comments section.  And that’s how we’re using it.  #ApocalypseNowPlease

SlothdumbBut lately there’s a growing genre of internet input that I am calling full “BULLSHIT” on.  It’s the “Epically Hilarious Customer Review,” which started, I think, with the Amazon reviews of the Bic “For Her” pens.  The reviews took a sarcastic tone early on, and for good reason.  While Bic aimed at a pretty pen women would enjoy, the interwebs took it to a new level, submitting reviews such as this one from “Amy O’Rourke:”

“For years I had dreamed of penning a masterpiece and yet, when it came to that blank piece of paper the harsh offensive masculinity of the pen was just too intimidating. Finally it seems someone has actually considered what it is like to be female in this cruel world and how easily our little minds can be intimidated and denied the opportunity to do our life’s work. Five stars. “

And this one… from a”daveyclayton:”
“I bought this pen (in error, evidently) to write my reports of each day’s tree felling activities in my job as a lumberjack. It is no good. It slips from between my calloused, gnarly fingers like a gossamer thread gently descending to earth between two giant redwood trunks.”

Right… Because lumberjacks use parentheses and words like “gossamer thread gently descending…”

Now comes the Haribo Sugarless Gummy Candy reviews.
Sugar-free candy is loaded with an artificial sweetener like a sugar alcohol, which is a solidified, probably indigestible form of the gas kinda like your intestinal flora create when it can’t digest something properly.  Primes the pump for some serious issues in the back of the factory.  If you like to fart, I mean like LOVE TO FART… I mean like “Competitively Fart”… eat some sugar-free ice-cream the night before a road trip with a friend.  You’ll set a record for decibels and oxygen displacement.

So the reviews start off with a few funny ones, then somebody went all-in, and it got a little viral heat on the web.  Then people went batshit and piled on and WOW, all of a sudden the internet is not only full of people who have a real gift for literarily expressing bodily functions, but THEY ALL SEEMED TO HAVE EATEN THE EXACT SAME CANDY WITHIN A FEW DAYS OF EACH OTHER… ?  Is that possible?

Does a sugar-free gummi bear make you shit in the woods?
That’s why you gotta soak ’em overnight in tequila.  Pfff… amateurs.  Go back to your parent’s insurance coverage, noob.

Call me a buzzkill, a jerk, a loser, a pooh-poo’er, a handsome-as-hell-despot-of-backlashing-to-attempts-at-comedy, I don’t mind.
But here-forthwith, I put into this internet record a declaration on all “Hilarious, Epic, Embarrassing, Overly-Detailed Product Reviews” as BULLSHIT.

Please leave a comment.

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The “Ray – Lee” Files; Female Edition pt 2!

In a rare version of the “Ray-Lee Files” saga, we have a FEMALE participant.
It happens, but it’s rare!

In blogs-past I have noted that the purveyors of violent crimes seem to have the middle name of Ray or Lee. 
I’m not sure if it’s the brevity of the name where people feel slighted and act out, or perhaps the names belie an upbringing in environmental factors ranging from low education, inability to spell longer/4+-letter words, or hatred of syllables.  Regardless, it’s pretty simple to see that these two names usually mean trouble…

Charge: Mom stabs woman caught in bed with son  by Levi Pulkkinen
“King County prosecutors contend Christina Lee Robinson stabbed her adult son’s girlfriend in the leg after finding the two of them in bed together at the family’s Haller Lake neighborhood apartment.”

Daaaaam-n.  Mama felt disrespected that her son was bumpin’ booties, took a knife to the bed while they were still in it! 

IT GETS WEIRDER…

“Writing the court, Senior Deputy Prosecutor Jeffrey Dernbach said the woman’s son had been shot in the leg. Police recovered shell casings from the apartment.

“However,” the prosecutor continued, “no one at the scene claimed to have any knowledge of the shooting.”

So, just something to keep in mind when choosing your kid’s middle names.  Sound it out. Does it sound crimey?  Does it sound like a judge will shake their jowls while pronouncing it?  Then NO.  Spartacus needs a new middle name. 

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Recap of Crap

Well it’s been a pretty crazy 2 weeks for me.  Even as the year comes to an end, the world of business begins it’s own Casual Friday, and insurance companies stare back from the Abyss, my life has sped up a bit.  In good ways, mostly.  I can’t complain… WAIT, I take that back.  I can, and will, because otherwise I’ll start crying and yelling at the same time and then i won’t be able to go back to that Starbucks.

Let’s work backward from today about crap I want to leave behind.

  1. Negative Self-Talk: Before 9am today I had counted about 12 put-downs of myself, for everything from the shape of my body to “not being retarded and forgetting Gift XYZ I need to return!”  Well I forgot it anyway because I didn’t take my ADD pill, and had no coffee because I was going in for a doctor’s appointment and wanted a clean blood stream.
  2. 30min late!  I was 30min late for the doc because, well, I don’t know why. I had apparently transposed the times of appointments and was 30min early yesterday for a different one.  So I had less time to talk with this doc.  But soon after arriving, I was told they no longer accept my insurance (as of last week), albeit for a noble cause.  Doctors sometimes do NOT get paid by insurance companies for any number of reasons, and the cost falls back to the patient, so in this case the doc decided to cut my carrier out as of MONDAY.  So… a short, intense appointment nearly followed by $500 worth of blood tests, so already my day’s just going greatly…
  3. No Blood Test; A $500 hit in the next month isn’t totally undoable, but certainly it is NOT a budgeted expense at the moment.  I know I have ranted against the insurance system in America before, although it does have its place and can be helpful… But I’m the child in the divorce of Doc and Carrier, so I have to deal with the overflow there.
  4. NO COFFEE OR ADD PILL: By the time I got to work there was already a lot of mental traffic to sift through, from paying for the doctor’s appointment that barely happened, to rescheduling with a recommended doc for Monday, and 2 other phone calls I need to make.  All of this without the quieting effect of a low-grade stimulant for which my career and many relationships should be thankful.
  5. Light and Sweet, AH SHIT: I get to work and get a machine-made cuppa, and when I reach into the shared fridge for my cream (real cream, not fat-free Hazelnut Cinnamon Elf Creamer) some dickbag had knocked it over with his bagged lunch, spilling a good 50% of it onto the shelf.  So let’s add another 10min blankspot to my day while I clean that up.  Pill still hadn’t kicked in, and my coffee was getting cold, so the emotional weight of the moment was pretty palpable.
  6. Ante-up: The Fed is tapering off their dollarly funneling of stimulus into the American economy, which means anything subsidized, backed, hugged, or accepted by the Fed as “good for business” will get less financial backing.  Fannie and Freddie’s demands and rates will go up if you wanna buy a house, unless you have great credit and/or a phaaat down-payment.  Not great news for this family here trying to save for a new house in the next 12 months.
  7. Figuring The Finances:  Soon, businesses with big ticket items, including “Tom’s House of Oversized Novelty Tickets and Certificates,” will have to decide if they will stand firm on their pricing in an effort to not lose a profit percentage on every sale, or if they can drop their prices in an effort to drive volume.  This is where the real “Trickle Down” economics lesson could apply:  If suppliers charge less and retailers charge less, everybody’s money aligns a little better.  Idiots trying to outbid each other for homes that aren’t worth $450K just piss all over those of us waiting in line for a good $350K house.
  8. Check, Please?:  I have a couple hundred in outstanding invoices for comedy shows I performed recently.  One of the checks is overdue, the other was mis-dated and easily fixed with a group I love working with.  So I have calls to make. (Or I could write a blog entry)
  9. Duck Dynasty Dismissal: One of the hill-billies from a TV show called “Duck Dynasty” had some comments that amounted to his not being even a little bit accepting of sexual encounters between men.  WHY that concerns him, I don’t know.  If he’s thinking about it a lot, well he has some of his own blinds to quack from.  He got ousted because his employment with the show depends on the show being watched by people who advertisers will target and pay for commercial time during said show. Ultimately, too many Americans would rather support dummies via viewership than ignore them, drive viewership to the bottom of the holler, and move on down the road.
  10. Holiday Spirits: I got accidentally drunker than a Kennedy on Saturday night, not factoring in the few tugs of Fireball I had in between my 3 cocktails over 5 hours.  Took me all day to recover on Sunday, so I am pretty sure, yeah, I need to pace my Fireball consumption.  I just cannot recover the was I used to.  It wasn’t until I had a bottle of low-cal Gatorade, dinner, and half a beer that I felt somewhat normal.  Oh well, lesson learned.  STOP MIXING SHOTS WITH COCKTAILS!
  11. Wrap it Up: It is a great fear of mine that my 4 year-old son will make realizations about the existence of Santa Claus and feel disappointment at a young age.  I was 5 or 6 when, overcome with excitement, I awoke to sounds at 3am and snuck down the hallway to see my parents “in the Santa way.”  It crushed me.  I laid in bed and cried.  A co-worker told me her 10 year-old son just figured it out earlier this year which I think is on the other end of the spectrum, possibly a disservice to the kid AND the parents.  I don’t think parents and family members should bypass getting some credit for their giving and thoughtfulness by letting Santa take all the glory in his absence.  Instead, I think we’re doing a decent job of involving our oldest guy in gift-giving to others, as he got to choose a few toys and some clothes for other families in need.  He may not get his head or heart around it, but I’d rather have THAT take root in his sweet little heart as a part of Christmas than the idea of giving Santa all the credit after we’ve worked all year to pay for new underwear.

So hey, there ya go.  I’m done.  Friggin’ tired and gotta hammer away at this work stuff.

Have a Merry Merry Christmas, with family, friends, lovers, and losers.  The gift of selflessness is what it seems to be about, no matter how it’s advertised.

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20 by 40 part 3 – Stagnation Motivation

Wellllll… crap.

I have totally stagnated in my weightloss efforts.  2 weeks with nary a budge on the scale.  Dropped a total of 6.5 for the month of November.  ThanksGiving didn’t help, though I didn’t partake in too many pies.  The first 5 came off quickly in a week, so I’ll recount what I did there and see if I can replicate it for future success. 

  1. Water!  I drank more during the day before I got home after work.  Probably 32oz more than normal. 
  2. Sleep!  At one point I slept 21 hours over 3 nights, which is good for me.  One night was a deep 7.5, then an 8, and horrible 5.5 due to the hacking chest-cough of my oldest boy.  But after that night, I was still feeling pretty rested, and I don’t fault him for the hack.  I also didn’t stress out about not getting to the gym that morning.  I wouldn’t have had a good workout and probably would’ve taxed myself even further, driving cortisol up and stressing myself out.
  3. 30g in 30min!  I first read about this in a Tim Ferriss book, 4 Hour Body, I think… something like that… ANYwho, it’s a principle of consuming 30g of protein within 30min of waking.  I did that pretty much every day for a week.  It is geared at getting your body into a metabolic surge w/out spiking insulin (and thus, no crash & scavenging to curb cravings), and keeping things in check.  This seemed to help a lot, plus I usually undereat during the day by about 500cal below the range of where I “should” be to drop fat.  So my bod could use the extra calories in a good way.  Just a 30g scoop of protein powder in a shaker cup, chugged it, get on with the day.
  4. HIIT The Gym!  I started every workout for 2 weeks with a short, intense cardio session of intervals.  At least 8, 20sec sprint intervals on an elliptical machine.  I crank the level up to where my legs feel like they are in cement, then drop it down to whatever level feels like I’m nearly floating.  Then some lifting, and usually in supersets.
  5. Sugar Out!  I didn’t “cut carbs” per se, but I surely didn’t indulge in a lot of sweets.  I don’t really eat bread or pasta, but I looooove chocolate.  I don’t go for dessert unless it has a cocoa component.  I shrug it off.  So I didn’t buy anything chocolate or eat any secret brownies in the first couple weeks.  Seemed to do the trick.  There was 1 night where I caved and did serious adult-themed things to a Marie Callendar’s single-serve Chocolate Satin Pie, but was back to the gym in the morning.

ImageBummed but not broken.  I’ll have to keep it tight in the food world and be conscious of my intake and blah blah blah.

 

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The Time I Met Adam Carolla

A few years ago, about 3+ now, I met Adam Carolla at Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland, WA.  As a comedian and near deviant in my early 20’s, the work of Adam and Dr. Drew on “LoveLine” was a life-saver.  Not only that, Adam’s humor and sensibilities match, and often surpass, my own.  When I heard he was coming to my home club I immediately did everything I could to help facilitate the evening.  And naturally I didn’t want to act like a total dumbass because Adam’s like the older brother a lot of us wish we had or needed.

Fast-forward to a few things Adam has said about his life and that night in particular.

1) Adam’s wife once told him, paraphrasing, that he has a way of “Bringing out the idiot in people,”  I heard this years after the night I’m writing about, but it rang true that night.  As part of Adam’s weekend, he was going to jaunt across the parking lot from the club to a bar called the Liquid Lime, wherein he’d sign autographs, take photos, and then try to beat it back to the club a mere 70 yards away.  Instead of walking out the front door, or walking all the way from the club to the Lime via the backdoor, I was asked to drive Adam and Mike August, his road manager, over in somebody else’s 1990 Camry.  So I did.
Cut to IDIOT TIME.
I gotta get Adam back to the club so we all head out the car which is parked right in the front of the Lime.  I’m 8 steps ahead of them so I can unlock the car, open doors, and get back around the comedy club and drop ’em off.  First I need to unlock the…
I need to unlock the Camry… Stupid button… What the… Unlock the …
I pushed the button, held the button, etc for about 10 seconds which is an eternity in the world of Adam’s Efficiency Sphere.  At which point I hear what equates to “Nevermind, dumbass, I’ll walk.”  It was actually “Hey, I’ll just walk.”  The Idiot had been brought out.  And I don’t think Adam’s being an asshole at this point, it’s just embarrassing and he’s just a guy who would rather not deal with speedbumps, and it ain’t personal.

So I manually unlock the car, alarm goes off, we get in hastily and I hit the button to unlock it and stop the alarm.
The alarm stops, I start it up and we go.

As we enter the back of the club I hand the keys back to the owner of the Camry, a guy who’d been hired as “Security” for the night.  Nice enough guy.  I say “Your unlock ain’t workin’,” and he goes, “Oh yeah, I heard the alarm! HA HA HA I should’ve told you it was broken.”  Yeah.  You should’ve.

2) Adam has referred to this particular weekend as a gauntlet, which went from I think 4 shows to a whopping 9 shows over 3 nights.  He’s just so damn popular people wanna get close to him, and Laughs was exactly the spot to get close.  Adam’s a worker, a do-er, and this was a weekend that put everything else I’ve done to shame.  9 shows, 90min at a go, on-stage alone.  Fuggin’ amazing.  Since then he’s only done bigger venues and fewer shows for more money, deservedly-so.  It’s a great model to follow; if you can get to the same audience with less repetition, you’re not working harder, you’re working smarter. And less.  And that’s good.  No need to burn out making people laugh.  Truly a hard working entertainer and philosoteur.

They say “Never meet your heroes,” because the shine’ll come off the bust.  Not true.  Adam’s a dude doing what he does, and great at it.  I haven’t hit the Bucket List item with Adam, which is getting invited to Jimmy Kimmel’s Football Sundays and catch a Mangria buzz.  But until that happens, we’ll always have a fritzed car alarm story.

 

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Can You Afford To Care Act

Already my family has taken the brunt of the Affordable Care Act’s jet-wash, knocking us off a very good plan and into the spiral of disparate coverages.  Now, I can’t prove that the plan we were on 3 months ago was impacted by the machinations of ACA.  I won’t call it Obamacare because the irony of “Affordable Care” is much darker to me, so it’s ACA all the way.  I can’t prove the impact because I would have to see transcripts of the meetings between my company and the health insurance providers (HSP) we were with, and how our premiums went up $348/month.  THEN I’d have to get clearance from the companies my firm talked with about costs and how those costs went up, break down per-person premium bumps, and then I’d start to have some proof.  But that’s not as important as the Truth.  The Truth is how it impacts Me, or Us, or You, or My Family.  And sorry neighbor, that’s all I give an F about.  

So, a month ago we were basically forced off our plan as the premiums through my company were to rise on Nov. 1 to the equivalent of a mortgage payment on a good-sized home in a decent neighborhood outside of the Seattle area (overvalued!).  And with the holidays coming, we’d rather have the $700 to put elsewhere than into the coffers of the legalized racketeering that is health insurance.  I have been the beneficiary and bitch of HSPs in the past, believe me.  I’ve been on both sides of it.  But as of now, due to the ri$e, I am covered through work, but… MY FAMILY HAS NO COVERAGE RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE!

WHAT?  BUT… Every American who wants coverage gets it, right?  
Well SURE… If you need to get to a new plan, things change but you get coverage!  But first you have to provide certificate of creditable coverage for the previous 24 months.  And that takes time.  And fill out a 25-35page “health questionnaire” and then fax that in.  And that takes time.  And there’s the online application.  There’s a person who reviews the questionnaire and makes some decisions.  All of this takes time before ACA goes officially into effect in January… or is it March?  

So right now, instead of paying about $600/month to cover my kids and wife we are sitting on the money and it’s not in the backalley of the local HSP.  So if my kid needs a doctor’s office visit and some medicine , probably cost us about $180 out of pocket.

WAIT, dude… That’s… No deductible?

Nope, no deductible.  No tax on my cover charge.  No proof that I can pay for care after I’ve already payed my premium.  It would save us $420/month in this scenario.  And the care would be the same.  Offices will take money right from you.  Did you know that?  Isn’t that weird?  A service taking payment directly from those they serve?  What a world we’re living in.

Of course there’s the trepidation of catastrophe, what if a bone breaks or a clot forms or a hemorrhoid-rages out of control and needs cauterization?  Car accidents.  Shark flood.  Old Testament diarrhea AT THE GROCERY STORE.  What then?  Who pays?  I guess it depends on who decides what your life costs, and you pay them.  

Catastrophic insurance, if it exists for you, maybe all we need, and a little cash stash to cover the rest of it.  Otherwise, sorry kiddos… Christmas is thin this year, but we’ll stuff your stockings with doctor’s office stickers and sweet magnetic calendars from the HSP stating “Happy & Healthy Is The Best Policy.”  Stress kills more than anything else, and it’ll probably kill you by the time you figure out how deep in your colon the HSPs are.

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER

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20 by 40 – Part 2 – Progress

OK, so I’m down 2.5lbs as of this morning.  Sure, probably just water weight but still happy to see the ball rolling.  Consistency is gonna be needed, big time.  It’s usually around day 4 or 5 that I go bonkers, so I need to do the right thing and keep the healthy carbs (like a yam with dinner) coming in and keep that leptin level slightly up.  I ain’t been 100% or even 95% clean, probably closer to 85-90%.  But I had 2 great workouts so far this week.

In the meantime my co-worker’s eating an apple like it’s the anchor leg of some Young Life event. Ease it off there, buddy.

So dropping the immense amount of carbs from my diet which I had daily ingested last week has proved beneficial.  Sometimes something is just too friggin’ good to pass up.  So, low carb’in’ it works.

Drinkin’ a lotta water at night, too.  I realized I pretty much stopped drinking water after 6pm, so I was getting that weird fake-empty feeling of “hunger” an hour after dinner.  Keeps the skin clear, the pipes clear, and helps motivate an early rise from bed, lest I piss said bed.  You can get away with that only like 3 times a year before trouble starts.

So there we go.  Sigh.  On my way.  I’ll be even more motivated when it comes to that 10lb mark.  When I see the results of consistent action (i.e. not eating like a dipshit on the weekends) I know I’ll be feeling even more motivated.

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So I’m like 3 months away from my 40th birthday, and I have a particular goal of dropping 20 el-beez.  LB’s.  Pounds.  Lard Bricks.  I wanna drop ’em by the Friday prior to the Super Bowl.  I know I can do this, but I’m also stumped about how my droppage seems to have stalled.  Admittedly, the past weekend of Halloween and eating like a foraging bear (candy, date night, pizza party and cake for the youngest’s birthday) didn’t help.  I put on 3lbs since last Thursday morning.  3.  It’s probably retained water and frankly I could feel it and my face looked it.  So if my body will store it that easily, it can lose it that easily.

So what’m I gonna do?  Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of violent minds meeting great opposition to mediocre dreams ~ Oprah Lincoln. Or whomever said it, people mash-up and misquote so many Faux-tivational quotes these days, even with the internet to validate against.  Ridiculous.  I have a dream that one day we will not be judged by the choosing of our quotes but by the accuracy of their citation.

So my plan is as follows:

  1. Eat less crap: I need to be strict with my intake.  Depending on which expert you ask, nutrition is 80% of the success towards weightloss.  Some say 70%.  I’ll gun for 76.47% and see where that lands.  I can’t afford a “cheat day,” so maybe, MAYBE, one cheat “thing” a week.  But not 1 crap-pile a day for 3 days.  Come on, dude… Come on…
    You can eat like this if you are THE ROCK. Or turn your heart into A ROCK.
    You can eat like this if you are THE ROCK. Or turn your heart into A ROCK.

    It’s hilarious the games we play with ourselves about crap eating.  “Oh just a little isn’t gonna be a problem.”  Right.  Put a cake out at your workplace and sit by it.  Nobody will touch it, no matter how many people come by.  Now walk around the corner, and hear the woodchipper that is your coworkers scraping the last of the buttercream off the lid.  Do right by you, but no games, Geoff.

  2. Eat more boss:  My ideal meal is about like this: Roasted salmon with broccoli, Brussels Sprouts, sweet potatoes. And then right to bed.  I need to get away from food, and in the house the best place to get away from food is when I’m asleep.  So, eat well, then stop eating.  I like the Paleo path best, and I rarely eat breakfast.  I’m not hungry until about 11:30 anyway, so why force food into my face when I’m usually behind schedule anyway?  No, skipping breakfast doesn’t slow down your metabolism when you’re like me, which is “kinda fat.”  So shut up.
  3. Lift Some Heavy Shit: No, not my ass off the couch, ha ha, so funny I forgot to laugh.  I finally have found the joy of proper squat technique, dumbbell deadlifts, and pushing heavy stuff around.  I did circuits for a while and looked good but wasn’t very muscular for a dude walking around over 240.  For cardio I like either HIIT on an elliptical, hill sprints, or road raging.
  4. Sleep More:  I seriously have to get to bed earlier.  11:17pm ain’t cuttin’ it.
  5. Stop worrying about it: I need to chill out a bit on this.  I know what I need to do, so now I just need the consistency of doing it.  This isn’t a diet, this is a lifestyle.
  6. Stay Motivated As All Hell:  Not sure what I need to get super motivated, like whatever blind self-allegiance Guy Fieri has that keeps him from assessing his life.  I need that.  Maybe it’s seeing 4 of 6 abs.  Maybe it’s being under 12% bodyfat for the first time since kindergarten.  Maybe it’s just that I need to prove to myself that I can do this.  The ultimate goal is to drop 35lbs by April 2014.  Mostly, I need to do this for a better quality of life in a few years as my boys get older.  They aren’t going to do LESS in life from here on out.

So I’ll post some stuff here in the “20 by 40” posts about what’s up with my bod and how it’s going.  May even get some “BEFORE” and “LATER” pics if I’m feeling froggy.  Sorry, this was kinda boring and self-indulgent, got low blood-sugar, gotta find some work cake.

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Pretty Much Paleo Pancakes

1/4tsp Baking Soda

1/4tsp Sea salt (It’s all the rage)

2Tbsp whey protein powder (the more grass-fed/organic/isolated the better), vanilla is best

2 eggs (from the closest thing to “homeless” chickens as possible)

1 pretty ripe banana 

1Tbsp Almond or (GASP) Peanut butter

2Tbsp coconut flour 

  1. First, get your family far away from you so you can get some head-space and just make some awesome pancakes for them.  Usually they just slow down everything you’re doing.
  2. Throw the ‘nana, nut butter, eggs into a bowl and beat ’em til smooth.  That’s what I did.  You can do it differently but don’t bitch if it sucks.
  3. Sift in the protein powder, give it a couple turns.  
  4. Sift in the salt, baking soda, and coconut flour.  Turn ’em til smooth.  Maybe beat it again to smooth it up.
  5. Smoooooooth.  Ya feel me?
  6. Let it sit a bit, get all together.
  7. Heat a pan up to just-past the mid-point on the burner.  
  8. Ideally you’re dropping some coconut oil in that hot pan til it melts.  Swirl it all around, coat that pan like the back of a Summer fling on a Tahitian beach resort chaaaaaise.  Smooth.
  9. Then drop some of that batter in there and PAY ATTENTION!  The high-fat content will get the cakes browning up pretty quickly so don’t get yourself in a burned cake mode.  Try a test cake, drop like a quarter-sized dollop in there, see how it goes.  
  10. Taste test!  How’s it?  Good!
  11. Now you can do what comes naturally when making cakes.  Do it up.  Make a few big ones.  Make a couple little ones.  
  12. Enjoy.  Feel the power.  

Nutritional Information:

Calories:  enough
Fat:  good for you and enough
Carbs:  just a bit, maybe like 50g total if you eat the whole batch yourself
     Fiber:  8g or so
Protein:  like 30g or so.

I’m sure a strict Paleotian is preparing a response to this and getting their crossfit shorts in a wad, but please remember:
I’M NOT TRYING TO CHANGE THE WORLD OF PALEO EATING THROUGH ONE RECIPE THAT WORKED OUT WELL FOR ME AND MADE MY KIDS FORGET ABOUT REGULAR PANCAKES.  Also, eat sh*t.

Don’t feed the trolls, feed your beast.

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