KeySmart Product Review: Sleek, Stylish, Slow

If you don’t have time to get to the meat of this, here’s the final judgment:
Cool little gadget, but I’d rather have my money back. Didn’t gel for me.

I have a few jangly keys in my rotation that I use on a regular basis. The amount of room they took up on the rings, plus a few extraneous membership ID tags from businesses and the county library, caused quite an unsightly, uncomfortable pocket-lump. And I wanted to smooth that issue out as best I could. I got one of those Cool Item Offer Emails-de rigueur one morning and there was a key-taming solution: KeySmart. And it was ON SALE! Thank you, Cookie-logging Data-gathering Online Shopping gods!

So I bought one, the red one, so I could start slimming up my key ring, and come roaring into a world of thinner key configurations and numerous configurations adapatable to my lifestyle! HELL YES. And when it arrived, I was pretty amped. So I got to work on it. I bought the slimmest one because I was determined to narrow down my keys to what I actually use on a daily basis. That’s 4 keys, not including the chipped ignition key for my boss ride (2000 Accord PAID-FOR STRAIGHT CASH WHUUUUT). And no membership cards.

After the first 24 hours of use I thought I had done something wrong. I mean, it’s a gadget, a thing that addresses, but doesn’t necessarily SOLVE, a problem, so maybe I wasn’t in the flow of maximizing this thang.
The keys I needed were tucked neatly away, but nearly inaccessible with one hand (think: carrying bags up to the front door, need to put ’em down). It looked cool, this pocket-knife-like key organizing implement, but, uh… I couldn’t easily access the most-used keys (home, office, cabinets) because, well… they were neatly tucked away in the KeySmart. After a month of use I have gone back to my Middle Earth “ONE RING TO HOLD THEM ALL, AND IN MY POCKET BIND THEM” usage, but at a greatly reduced quantity. The KeySmart is outta the rotation, and maybe I can use it for something else.

PROS: Slim, good look, expandable, accesssories, capacity restricts extraneous key holding.
CONS: Can’t one-hand a key if the end-screws are snug, kinda pricey ($15-$40 for the Titanium model), restrictive return policy (send it back unopened)

June 10, 2015 0

Can You Afford To Care Act

Already my family has taken the brunt of the Affordable Care Act’s jet-wash, knocking us off a very good plan and into the spiral of disparate coverages. Now, I can’t prove that the plan we were on 3 months ago was impacted by the machinations of ACA. I won’t call it Obamacare because the irony of “Affordable Care” is much darker to me, so it’s ACA all the way. I can’t prove the impact because I would have to see transcripts of the meetings between my company and the health insurance providers (HSP) we were with, and how our premiums went up $348/month. THEN I’d have to get clearance from the companies my firm talked with about costs and how those costs went up, break down per-person premium bumps, and then I’d start to have some proof. But that’s not as important as the Truth. The Truth is how it impacts Me, or Us, or You, or My Family. And sorry neighbor, that’s all I give an F about.

So, a month ago we were basically forced off our plan as the premiums through my company were to rise on Nov. 1 to the equivalent of a mortgage payment on a good-sized home in a decent neighborhood outside of the Seattle area (overvalued!). And with the holidays coming, we’d rather have the $700 to put elsewhere than into the coffers of the legalized racketeering that is health insurance. I have been the beneficiary and bitch of HSPs in the past, believe me. I’ve been on both sides of it. But as of now, due to the ri$e, I am covered through work, but… MY FAMILY HAS NO COVERAGE RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE!

WHAT? BUT… Every American who wants coverage gets it, right?
Well SURE… If you need to get to a new plan, things change but you get coverage! But first you have to provide certificate of creditable coverage for the previous 24 months. And that takes time. And fill out a 25-35page “health questionnaire” and then fax that in. And that takes time. And there’s the online application. There’s a person who reviews the questionnaire and makes some decisions. All of this takes time before ACA goes officially into effect in January… or is it March?

So right now, instead of paying about $600/month to cover my kids and wife we are sitting on the money and it’s not in the backalley of the local HSP. So if my kid needs a doctor’s office visit and some medicine , probably cost us about $180 out of pocket.

WAIT, dude… That’s… No deductible?

Nope, no deductible. No tax on my cover charge. No proof that I can pay for care after I’ve already payed my premium. It would save us $420/month in this scenario. And the care would be the same. Offices will take money right from you. Did you know that? Isn’t that weird? A service taking payment directly from those they serve? What a world we’re living in.

Of course there’s the trepidation of catastrophe, what if a bone breaks or a clot forms or a hemorrhoid-rages out of control and needs cauterization? Car accidents. Shark flood. Old Testament diarrhea AT THE GROCERY STORE. What then? Who pays? I guess it depends on who decides what your life costs, and you pay them.

Catastrophic insurance, if it exists for you, maybe all we need, and a little cash stash to cover the rest of it. Otherwise, sorry kiddos… Christmas is thin this year, but we’ll stuff your stockings with doctor’s office stickers and sweet magnetic calendars from the HSP stating “Happy & Healthy Is The Best Policy.” Stress kills more than anything else, and it’ll probably kill you by the time you figure out how deep in your colon the HSPs are.

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER

November 19, 2013 1

Strideline Socks Are The Real

During Sunday’s Seahawks-Falcons tilt, Marshawn Lynch was busting through Falcs in a pair of these boss footjackets. Footjackets are what I call “socks.”

Strideline was started by a couple o’ youngsters in the Seattle area, bringing major city skylines to our anklecoats. Anklecoats are what I call “footjackets.” The one city they don’t really skyline is Los Angeles, because it doesn’t have a skyline because it’s full of smog and the world’s finest narcissism and weirdos and bad drivers and a horrible mayor and asynchronous traffic signals.

I’m all-in with these dudes. I don’t see a decent pair of Dawgsox yet (Purple and Gold) but I’m buying some pairs and wearing them to the gym in my work’em-outs.

Get what you gotta get NOW before the NBA steals this idea and gets their asses sued.

January 15, 2013 0

Make Time to Take Time

Hey 7 people reading this…

Thank you, first of all, for taking time to read what’s here. My life is so busy lately that the thought of reading, of letting my brain recognize and associate meaning to letter combos, or “WORDS,” seems a task far beyond my schedule. Between work, family, a new-found appreciation for nutrient-based fitness success, and Christmas Time, this blog has been neglected.

I also perform stand-up comedy as a “second career,” though not enough to sustain a household. No, that level of success requires a dichotomous acceptance that in order to be the breadwinner of the family, one must almost never be near one’s family for more than 3 days. The work of stand-up comedy is everything off-stage; travel, radio, travel, waiting, walking around a new city before the show, napping, “writing,” travel, fighting off pneumonia, fighting off boredom-induced alcoholism, and being a spouse and/or parent. The stage-time is actually a break from everything that fuels the performance. All that stuff, the travel and the weird smelling hotels and the club-owners who try and cut your money because they sold 15 fewer tickets than they thought they would, and the knee-jerk bitchy reactions of flight attendants and gas station attendants and Marie Callendar’s late-shift servers… it’s part of the gig. It has nothing to do with ME or YOU, it’s just how that situation happened that time for you because it was your turn to run into the dumped-on attitude of a life-saddened woman in her late-40’s who is trapped between a rock and double-shift on her kid’s birthday weekend. So fuck you and do you want a roll or soup?

The rest of my life, which is really where Life happens, has been kind of weird. We, meaning all of us not just my household or family… WE all get a bit of drama from time to time. Workplace gossip. Neighborhood police activity. Diarrhea at work that involves the police. Legal marijuana. Same-sex marriages. Kids getting sick. Co-worker’s kids getting sick at the same time every Thursday (just before Happy Hour, really Marcia?).
Drama happens. Shit happens. And the more I live the more I see that the Happening of Shit is “part of the gig.”

I truly believe this statement, which I thought up a few years ago:
Madness takes root in the absence of solitude, and flourishes in the abundance of it.

If we don’t take time for ourselves, we’ll lose ourselves to everything else. We become just part of the scenery instead of allowing ourselves to enjoy it and interact with it. But if we stay separated for too long from it, if we don’t take time to be part of the rest of the world that is Life and People, and build friendships and actively love each other and our communities, then we float the river to CrazyTown pretty comfortably.

If you’re feeling lonely or alone, call a friend, get a beer, get coffee, go volunteer, see a comedy show, SOMETHING. Get out of your own head.
And if you’re around people so much that you can’t remember the sound of your own thoughts then get away for at least 24 hours. No phone, no computer. Maybe some good movies or audiobooks or a something to let your mind do some traveling without your thoughts mucking up the trip.

As 2012 comes to a close, I hope for myself to progress in all the important areas of my life, even if it’s small steps. A little less bodyfat, a little more time with my kids, a little closer to a professional certification, a bit more in the retirement accounts, more time with my wife, more time with my friends. You know…. Make Shit Happen.

Or Shit Will Happen To You.

December 24, 2012 0

ADD’ing It Up – Alpha Brain, NOW Foods, and Hope

I may have ADD. I’m pretty sure I can’t chalk up the numerous side-steps and half-done projects of my life to being distracted by others all the time. Some of these loose ends are perhaps my nature, but some of them are things that, left undone, leave me worse-off. A lack of focus, or a compulsivity to anti-work, combined with a desire to really, truly WANT to finish something is a fantastic step towards the maddening of everybody who depends on me in some way. Like Family and Work, you know… no bigs. New baby, longer commute, less sleep, oh yeah, recipe for success, folks.

Whatever level of ADD I have, however it’s categorized, isn’t like a form of mental illness, for me. There’s a point of medication a “crazy” person can take that dials down the crazy to a level where they can function as a person, but perhaps not a spouse or parent or friend. I feel for those people, having seen my own father lose a battle with dementia at too early an age. I’m not crazy; more like my brain runs 10,000 RPM most of the time, and it’s shooting sparks and ideas and things I ought to go do, but nothing is there to put it in gear. That’s where my new adventure comes in. I am positive and happy that a lot of people in our lives have a cocktail of brain chemicals that are better off stirred with a little extra shot of this-‘r-that. But that’s not where it stops, in the doctor’s office.

The past few months have been somewhat cleaner, mind-wise. First, I was turned on to something called “Alpha Brain” via Joe Rogan’s tweets. I’m skeptical of most things, but imagine playing a game of bumper cars with your ideas every day. DO THIS, I’M DOING THIS RIGHT AFTER I DO THIS, BUT FIRST I’LL DO THIS AND THAT WILL BE THERE LATER… what was I going to do again? Then just a period of unproductive screen staring. Go into a room to get the laundry. Clean the room. Forget the laundry.
Seriously, this cannot be just boredom with life. Plus there was a feeling as if I had a fog, a layer of fuzz in the middle of my head that was like the fog of a hangover without the pain. I feel most days like my brain is holding its breath all day. So when I saw Alpha Brain, I was willing to try anything. Plus it’s a natural supplement. I can’t be staunchly anti-pharma when trying to medicate myself back to normal wavelength, but I do believe that Nature holds a cure for nearly every human ailment. And holy shit, folks, Alpha Brain is the REAL DEAL. The fog was gone. The acuity was razor. The 3-steps-ahead thinking was automatic. I’m not talking “Limitless” starring Bradley “A-List Ass All Day” Cooper, but the closest I’d ever get. I have a few Alpha Brain left for some of my more important days coming up. $35 plus shipping.

It was a bit pricey for me to keep re-upping at the time, so I researched NOW Foods, and found 2 of their supplements close to what Alpha Brain delivered. First, Brain Elevate, and also, True Focus. Natural supplements, not loaded with lab-borne items.But the cocktail of BE and TF have served me very well in the past 2 months. Most days I’ll take 2 BE and a TF in the morning with water and a cup of coffee. There’s not only a focus but also a calmness; I’m not buzzed, I’m just There. No panic, no mental ping-pong. Focused and cognisant of what I’m supposed to do. True, this is a medicated version of me, and probably a laconic one. But I’ve also performed comedy after “dosing,” and I’ve never felt sharper or more in-gear than those sets. Total investment, $22 through www.Netrition.com.

So now I’m about to start trying something called Concerta, a.k.a. Methylphenidate. Yeah, this stuff costs $153 on my Aetna plan, thanks a ton for the NoPremium/HighDeductible plan! Concerta may help me a bit better or worse than where I am. It may zone me out. It may dial me in. I don’t really know. But for $153, it either has to work all the way or I’ll be incredibly pissed off. This is a prime example of why BigPharma is going after supplement companies in Congress. See the giant gap in the Supplement Price vs. Concerta? $100 less for all-natural ingredients. Still not sure I’m gonna go on this stuff. I fear mostly the zombie effect that these drugs can throw into the day. If anybody has any experience with it, lemme know. For the most part I feel as happy and dialed-in as ever without something like this, not knowing how strong it is.

But I ain’t losing sleep over it.

January 8, 2012 10

Diaper Genie II Review

In the movie Ghostbusters, the heart of the operation is really the Ectoplasmic Containment Unit. Some would argue it’s Annie Potts character Janine, or even Dana Barrett’s neighbor Louis, played to the understated hilt by Rick Moranis. But no… it’s the ECU. The ECU holds all of the captured apparitions, ghouls, and roamers captured by the gang. Until Walter “Dickless” Peck from the City shuts the show down.

ECU-pre-Dickless — You can get a shitload of diapers in here.

Akin to the ECU is the Diaper Genie 2. It uses a footpedal-top door-capture&drop system to receive and deposit diapers of various fill levels/matter. From the super-peeped to the lagging loader, it can swallow up almost anything you toss down it. Beware… there are two pieces to the DG – and thus, a greater expense is incurred. We were given a DG as a gift, and basically have to pay for the bags every month. Special bags. Bags that you couldn’t possibly replicate with something from the grocery store.

SlopDrop — DiaperGenie II, as used by Thing Addams

The DG has a proprietary bagging system that starts at the top with a sort of bag-sphincter. The plastic extends from within the sphincter, ties-off to become a bag, and then drops down below the diaper air-lock. The top of the DG opens, you drop the diaper into the chamber which is about the size of a coffee can, then release the footpedal. That allows the dipe to drop into the abyss of the DG, effectively packing a deeper and tighter “poop sausage.” Bags’ll run you about $7-$9 depending on where you buy ‘em. We’ve found good deals at Target. We’ve also found some weird accents and smells at Target. Onward.

So here’s the issue. The idea of the DG’s crapper-keeper is to allay the onslaught of hours & days-old dipe odors. Those can range from warm canteloupe to a box of blood-soaked peanuts from the Civil War. The solid-food days of the toddler’s diet are the creators of epically weird poops. Into diapers go said poops. Said dipes go into said Genie.

And when you rub that lamp, SIM SALAABIM… The Diaper Genie comes out and grants you 3 wishes, all of which are “MAKE IT STOP BECAUSE MY EYESOCKETS ARE BURNING!” Also known as “The Ghost Of Breakfast Past,” the DG upper-chamber traps all the up-waft of the dipe-loads of the deep. You pop that top and get an odiferous uppercut of kid butt. I’d rather a Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man threaten my high-rise.

So, between the cost of the Genie, the bags, and the lingering gross-ghost, I’d pass on the Diaper Genie. Beware to all who rub the lamp. Frankly I find it weird poop just keeps going from one hole to another, unless you work in corporate America, where it all rolls down the aisle of your cubicle… Another time…

October 30, 2011 0

Review – Tom’s Of Maine Toothpaste – Adults & Kids

I’ve been screwed a number of ways. Besides the traditional screw-job (voter’s remorse), I often get screwed by products. In this instance, my wife has purchased 2 versions of Tom’s Of Maine’s toothpaste. Our first purchase was a few years ago. That tube of colorless gel lingered, 7/8ths full, for well over 8 months. She bought it out of concerns while pregnant, in that everything entering the home and/or her body must be of the utmost naturalness. Once she broke down and mowed through a chili cheesedog and fries at the Mel’s Diner in Hollywood… stupid asshats at the Ben Harper show behind Jimmy Kimmel Live! kind of drove that decision. But, I digress…

The adult version we had was the Flouride-free, anti-plaque and whitening tubal. Just found out there’s a “Fennel” flavor, if you’re not getting enough licorice in your post-coffee mornings. This didn’t work for us. While expecting a mouth feeling fresh, or at the very least, free of residue, OPPOSITE DAY!
The lack of enough flavor is actually a flavor. It’s where your nose thinks “mint” but your mouth is all “did I just think mint?” So your olfactory and taste senses immediately disagree and walk off to the corner.
What you’re then left with is the feeling in your mouth of what may be slug gel. It’s a clear gel but somehow still kind of gritty. I’m not sure if it curdled after a while, but I’m wondering if we should have kept it as an option of recaulking some tub & tile corners. Never finished the tube.

So, following a tradition of Hoping Against Knowledge, my wife recently bought Tom’s Children’s Flouride-Free Toothpaste. Now we’re out about $8 on these products. My 2year-old son is staunchly anti-Tom’s. When he finished grimacing at the taste of it and jabbing at my eye with is tiny, adorable toofbert (his word), he began gnawing at the door trim to remove his teeth. After calming him down with some Thomas & Friends on SproutTV, we dry-brushed his teeth, and used the rest of the toothpaste to fill nailholes in our crownmolding.

So anywho, no thanks, Tom’s. I don’t know if Maine’s lacking a variety of toothpastes, but these just ain’t gonna do the trick.
Perhaps at least SOME animal testing, perhaps on humans, would help.

October 9, 2011 0

Men’s Razors Cut Down To Size – Review

I got to the point recently where I just wasn’t shaving a lot. It’s not like I was walking the path to indie-coffee barista town, and wasn’t planning on playing a didgeridoo at any point. Nope, just the daily “meh” associated with shaving. I’d clean up the neck and leave the face pretty undone for 3-5 days. My wife wasn’t a fan, mostly of the prickliness, and sometimes because it made me act like a prick thinking I was all beardy and lumberjacky. Honestly though, every bearded guy under the age of 50 just makes me think “bassist in shitty animal-named band.”

But I had to do something about it. I tried a lot of razors, and after about the 4th one that I finally LOOOOOOOOOVED, the root cause was simple:

I didn’t shave because every razor I was using didn’t “do it” for me. So here’s my take on the 4 razors I was using, and why I settled on one.

My skin type: Fair, average (not oily, not dry), no acne, not prone to ingrown hairs. Not a tough beard, either.
Cream/Gel: Edge Shave Gel. I use the orange/sensitive skin type.

Razor #1: Old Spice High Endurance Razor (couldn’t find the link on the Old Spice site)
Blades: 3
Rating: 6/10 – Wouldn’t buy again, but no cuts, scarring, or danger.
Review: Picked up a 4-bagger on sale because I’m on a budget. $4.99 for 4 was fine by my wallet.
The handle has a weird grip to it. Like it could flip vertical at any moment, rather unsettling when dragging a razor down the face.
After the 2nd use, I was resigned to using these razors on my back instead of my face. At least a rock tee would hide the skin irritation. The cut wasn’t very smooth nor complete. After hitting a 2-day growth I felt like I was about 3pm of a 5 O’clock Shadow. I’d use these in a pinch and threw one in my travel kit. Still have 1 left for an emergency back shave.

Razor #2: Schick Quattro Titanium Disposables
Blades: 4
Rating: 7/10 – Would buy again but not if others are available and similar price.
Review: More isn’t always better. In comparison, this was a pretty good razor on a budget. I don’t invest a lot of dough into razors because I don’t live a life of needing to be super-slick all the time. But this was a good bag o’ cutters. Got the hair handled, but a slight afterburn. Skin felt tight, neck wasn’t real clean. Didn’t do it for this fair-skinned fella.

Razor #3: Gillette Custom Plus 3 Disposable
Blades: 3
Rating: 9/10 – Good on the face and the wallet.
Review: Price varies on this from store to store. BUT, this has been my go-to for a long time. For some reason, the 2 places I had purchased it in the past weren’t stocking it for 3 months, and that’s just too long to go without. When I can get these, I get these. On sale, great. If not, hey, not a bank-breaker at about $7/4. Each one lasts about a week if you shave every day. I don’t, so they last me about 2 weeks.
Great cut, good grip. Neck was good, trim head got under the schnozz. Highly recommended!

Razor #4: Schick Hydro 5
Blades: 5 (coincidence?)
Rating: 9.5/10 – The Private Jet of store-bought razor cartridges
Review: Having forgotten my razor on a family trip, one of these was available at the concierge desk as a sample/gift. I love this razor. The handle is balanced with a good grip and look. The cartidges have a good skin gel that doesn’t go goopy after 3 shaves. This ain’t a cheap cutter, nor are the carts, but damn if this isn’t worth it. If you have to shave often, this is the one to go with. Don’t ruin your face. Do the right thing and get this razor. Even the 3-blade version is a treat.
Only down-side is the cart is a bit too large to really clean-up under the nose. Other than that, this thing’s the luxury car of razors.
And yes, I’ve used the Mach everythings.

So there ya go. Enjoy trimming that beard up to a status of either “First Day on the New Job” or “Puerto Rican 3rd-Base Outline.”

September 12, 2011 1

Tag: Review