Recap of Crap

Well it’s been a pretty crazy 2 weeks for me. Even as the year comes to an end, the world of business begins it’s own Casual Friday, and insurance companies stare back from the Abyss, my life has sped up a bit. In good ways, mostly. I can’t complain… WAIT, I take that back. I can, and will, because otherwise I’ll start crying and yelling at the same time and then i won’t be able to go back to that Starbucks.

Let’s work backward from today about crap I want to leave behind.

Negative Self-Talk: Before 9am today I had counted about 12 put-downs of myself, for everything from the shape of my body to “not being retarded and forgetting Gift XYZ I need to return!” Well I forgot it anyway because I didn’t take my ADD pill, and had no coffee because I was going in for a doctor’s appointment and wanted a clean blood stream.
30min late! I was 30min late for the doc because, well, I don’t know why. I had apparently transposed the times of appointments and was 30min early yesterday for a different one. So I had less time to talk with this doc. But soon after arriving, I was told they no longer accept my insurance (as of last week), albeit for a noble cause. Doctors sometimes do NOT get paid by insurance companies for any number of reasons, and the cost falls back to the patient, so in this case the doc decided to cut my carrier out as of MONDAY. So… a short, intense appointment nearly followed by $500 worth of blood tests, so already my day’s just going greatly…
No Blood Test; A $500 hit in the next month isn’t totally undoable, but certainly it is NOT a budgeted expense at the moment. I know I have ranted against the insurance system in America before, although it does have its place and can be helpful… But I’m the child in the divorce of Doc and Carrier, so I have to deal with the overflow there.
NO COFFEE OR ADD PILL: By the time I got to work there was already a lot of mental traffic to sift through, from paying for the doctor’s appointment that barely happened, to rescheduling with a recommended doc for Monday, and 2 other phone calls I need to make. All of this without the quieting effect of a low-grade stimulant for which my career and many relationships should be thankful.
Light and Sweet, AH SHIT: I get to work and get a machine-made cuppa, and when I reach into the shared fridge for my cream (real cream, not fat-free Hazelnut Cinnamon Elf Creamer) some dickbag had knocked it over with his bagged lunch, spilling a good 50% of it onto the shelf. So let’s add another 10min blankspot to my day while I clean that up. Pill still hadn’t kicked in, and my coffee was getting cold, so the emotional weight of the moment was pretty palpable.
Ante-up: The Fed is tapering off their dollarly funneling of stimulus into the American economy, which means anything subsidized, backed, hugged, or accepted by the Fed as “good for business” will get less financial backing. Fannie and Freddie’s demands and rates will go up if you wanna buy a house, unless you have great credit and/or a phaaat down-payment. Not great news for this family here trying to save for a new house in the next 12 months.
Figuring The Finances: Soon, businesses with big ticket items, including “Tom’s House of Oversized Novelty Tickets and Certificates,” will have to decide if they will stand firm on their pricing in an effort to not lose a profit percentage on every sale, or if they can drop their prices in an effort to drive volume. This is where the real “Trickle Down” economics lesson could apply: If suppliers charge less and retailers charge less, everybody’s money aligns a little better. Idiots trying to outbid each other for homes that aren’t worth $450K just piss all over those of us waiting in line for a good $350K house.
Check, Please?: I have a couple hundred in outstanding invoices for comedy shows I performed recently. One of the checks is overdue, the other was mis-dated and easily fixed with a group I love working with. So I have calls to make. (Or I could write a blog entry)
Duck Dynasty Dismissal: One of the hill-billies from a TV show called “Duck Dynasty” had some comments that amounted to his not being even a little bit accepting of sexual encounters between men. WHY that concerns him, I don’t know. If he’s thinking about it a lot, well he has some of his own blinds to quack from. He got ousted because his employment with the show depends on the show being watched by people who advertisers will target and pay for commercial time during said show. Ultimately, too many Americans would rather support dummies via viewership than ignore them, drive viewership to the bottom of the holler, and move on down the road.
Holiday Spirits: I got accidentally drunker than a Kennedy on Saturday night, not factoring in the few tugs of Fireball I had in between my 3 cocktails over 5 hours. Took me all day to recover on Sunday, so I am pretty sure, yeah, I need to pace my Fireball consumption. I just cannot recover the was I used to. It wasn’t until I had a bottle of low-cal Gatorade, dinner, and half a beer that I felt somewhat normal. Oh well, lesson learned. STOP MIXING SHOTS WITH COCKTAILS!
Wrap it Up: It is a great fear of mine that my 4 year-old son will make realizations about the existence of Santa Claus and feel disappointment at a young age. I was 5 or 6 when, overcome with excitement, I awoke to sounds at 3am and snuck down the hallway to see my parents “in the Santa way.” It crushed me. I laid in bed and cried. A co-worker told me her 10 year-old son just figured it out earlier this year which I think is on the other end of the spectrum, possibly a disservice to the kid AND the parents. I don’t think parents and family members should bypass getting some credit for their giving and thoughtfulness by letting Santa take all the glory in his absence. Instead, I think we’re doing a decent job of involving our oldest guy in gift-giving to others, as he got to choose a few toys and some clothes for other families in need. He may not get his head or heart around it, but I’d rather have THAT take root in his sweet little heart as a part of Christmas than the idea of giving Santa all the credit after we’ve worked all year to pay for new underwear.

So hey, there ya go. I’m done. Friggin’ tired and gotta hammer away at this work stuff.

Have a Merry Merry Christmas, with family, friends, lovers, and losers. The gift of selflessness is what it seems to be about, no matter how it’s advertised.

December 19, 2013 0

The Time I Met Adam Carolla

A few years ago, about 3+ now, I met Adam Carolla at Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland, WA. As a comedian and near deviant in my early 20’s, the work of Adam and Dr. Drew on “LoveLine” was a life-saver. Not only that, Adam’s humor and sensibilities match, and often surpass, my own. When I heard he was coming to my home club I immediately did everything I could to help facilitate the evening. And naturally I didn’t want to act like a total dumbass because Adam’s like the older brother a lot of us wish we had or needed.

Fast-forward to a few things Adam has said about his life and that night in particular.

1) Adam’s wife once told him, paraphrasing, that he has a way of “Bringing out the idiot in people,” I heard this years after the night I’m writing about, but it rang true that night. As part of Adam’s weekend, he was going to jaunt across the parking lot from the club to a bar called the Liquid Lime, wherein he’d sign autographs, take photos, and then try to beat it back to the club a mere 70 yards away. Instead of walking out the front door, or walking all the way from the club to the Lime via the backdoor, I was asked to drive Adam and Mike August, his road manager, over in somebody else’s 1990 Camry. So I did.
Cut to IDIOT TIME.
I gotta get Adam back to the club so we all head out the car which is parked right in the front of the Lime. I’m 8 steps ahead of them so I can unlock the car, open doors, and get back around the comedy club and drop ’em off. First I need to unlock the…
I need to unlock the Camry… Stupid button… What the… Unlock the …
I pushed the button, held the button, etc for about 10 seconds which is an eternity in the world of Adam’s Efficiency Sphere. At which point I hear what equates to “Nevermind, dumbass, I’ll walk.” It was actually “Hey, I’ll just walk.” The Idiot had been brought out. And I don’t think Adam’s being an asshole at this point, it’s just embarrassing and he’s just a guy who would rather not deal with speedbumps, and it ain’t personal.

So I manually unlock the car, alarm goes off, we get in hastily and I hit the button to unlock it and stop the alarm.
The alarm stops, I start it up and we go.

As we enter the back of the club I hand the keys back to the owner of the Camry, a guy who’d been hired as “Security” for the night. Nice enough guy. I say “Your unlock ain’t workin’,” and he goes, “Oh yeah, I heard the alarm! HA HA HA I should’ve told you it was broken.” Yeah. You should’ve.

2) Adam has referred to this particular weekend as a gauntlet, which went from I think 4 shows to a whopping 9 shows over 3 nights. He’s just so damn popular people wanna get close to him, and Laughs was exactly the spot to get close. Adam’s a worker, a do-er, and this was a weekend that put everything else I’ve done to shame. 9 shows, 90min at a go, on-stage alone. Fuggin’ amazing. Since then he’s only done bigger venues and fewer shows for more money, deservedly-so. It’s a great model to follow; if you can get to the same audience with less repetition, you’re not working harder, you’re working smarter. And less. And that’s good. No need to burn out making people laugh. Truly a hard working entertainer and philosoteur.

They say “Never meet your heroes,” because the shine’ll come off the bust. Not true. Adam’s a dude doing what he does, and great at it. I haven’t hit the Bucket List item with Adam, which is getting invited to Jimmy Kimmel’s Football Sundays and catch a Mangria buzz. But until that happens, we’ll always have a fritzed car alarm story.

November 22, 2013 0

CrowdFund Your Motivation

I’m still not sure if I like crowdfunding, the ability to ask friends or strangers for, and sometimes receive, financial backing for your pet projects. It’s not exactly on-line panhandling, but it’s not really fundraising. It IS, I mean, yeah, you’re raising funds for whatever it is you haven’t saved for, but do you really appreciate it and let it be YOUR baby? In this case, we’re talking fundage, financially, money. Mmkay?

Admittedly, I did use “GoFundMe.com” earlier this year to help a single mother get her car repaired. She had no money, was living in a church, and needed a new transmission in order to get her car running to get around for job interviews. The need was there, the means were there, so I cobbled together a few things and posted it and promoted it. We made our goal in a few days, and I can only thank the kind people who gave anywhere from $10 to $50 to $300. It was an inspiring influx of empathy and care, and very much appreciated. There’s always more to the story, of course…

Of course, like anything that goes online, it had its share of trolls asking why a transmission cost of $600-something (labor included) was the target, why she didn’t just get a better car, etc. By ignoring some of them or calling them out for being dipshits we were able to just focus on the goal. Don’t feed the trolls.

I’m not going to say this isn’t some sort of meta-trolling about the intent of using crowdfunding to fill a project’s financial gap. I’m not tearing a rotator cuff to pat myself on the butt for a job well done, either. Just stating what is possible when you present a need to people who want to help. It was really great to see it come together. Hell, what would YOU do with your pet project if you had another $1,043 laying around? Would you use it properly? Could you/I be THAT accountable? That’s why I wonder how much a person can appreciate the gifts they promote themselves to receive. Some people are making movies. Some people are trying to pay off medical bills. Who’s to say who’s right? The people with the money, that’s who’s.

The “more to the story” is that I had two situations where fundraising for a cause took very different turns. In one, I produced a comedy show to raise money for a family friend whose mom had been left with a mountain of medical bills after her husband passed away. I don’t know how much was raised, all I know is the place as packed with concerned friends and a lot of love. We did very well, and my friend’s mom was incredibly appreciative.
The other turn was that a person who I did something financially-beneficial for via fundraising really didn’t take advantage of the upturn. There was an option there to move ahead with what they had been asking for – and given, but they either moved at a glacial pace as to appear immobile, or just bided their time. Then kept hinting how they needed more of this, or didn’t have any of that. In a side-project we also provided a lot of resources to help them get back on their feet, but nothing in the form of straight-up cash. And pretty soon it seemd as if they’re just hoping to get more of something without putting out anything. As much as I want to see everybody doing better for themselves, I want to see people DOING, unless some sort of crippling disease has taken their ability to leave the house and interact with people or bring me homemade cookies and/or dark beers from around the world.

The Need exists for a little something more; schools, food banks, neighbors, drag show open mic nights, etc. People have needs that aren’t met because of – pick a reason. And if you can help meet their needs, do it. The 1% that made 95% of the income won’t. Our taxes aren’t going to make up for it. Gotta act locally.

Reminds me of a story my maternal grandfather told me. There was a bear who grew up near a campsite. Every Monday he would go to the dumpsters and pick through food and he grew strong and clever, but a little fatter than the other bears in the rivers eating salmon. One Monday morning a park ranger saw the bear and thought he may be a hazard, so he tried to scare him off. The bear didn’t understand the tactics; this was garbage, nobody wanted it, why can’t he have it? But the ranger didn’t want the bear coming into the park at other times, and didn’t understand the bear’s intent was simply to eat from a reliable source at a non-threatening time. In the end, the bear starved to death after getting his nose caught in a plastic holder from a 6-er of Miller tallboys.
The Lesson: You can always get garbage, the good stuff takes some effort, and park rangers are usually assholes.

October 30, 2013 0

A New Set Of Tireds

Just before she lay down her beautiful head to sleep the other night, my wife took the water glass from next to my laptop (I was working on a presentation for the next day around 9:15 that night), sipped from it, and said…

“I’m f***ing tired. The house is always dirty, I’m being disrespected, I hate this house, if I’m not here cleaning I’m off doing a bunch of other stuff just to keep the boys busy or in school, and I’m sick of it.”

So, what did I do to respond? What COULD I do?
She was done for the day. She had gotten up pretty early to go workout, raced home to get our kids in the car for preschool and general out-of-house tasks (what non-stay-at-home parents call Life or Work), and they were going a bit nuts the rest of the day. I got an earful when I got home from the kids, after a long day and meeting with a local entertainment comedy talent mastermind. Kids will wear you out. They will grind on you and they will break you down and they are unreasonable under the age of 5 or 19 and will just beat on your brain walls and sometimes you want to tell them to shut their damn mouths and go the fuck to sleep because you are a grown up, sex has been had, you’ve thrown an angry punch, and paid taxes but not enough to really help this flailing society you want to build a wall around to protect them, so go to sleep.

But you cannot do that. I cannot. I’m an adult. I’m nearly 40. I have embraced and accepted all facets of Parenting, which is a much more advanced form of caregiving, and shouldn’t ever be equated to having a pet. [ed. note; Equating child-rearing to pet care is on the same shelf as equating an compound femoral fracture to a sprained finger. It’s minimizing to do so, and you should really not do it, or I will punt your dog right down the frozen aisle of this Trader Joe’s it’s not even supposed to be in.] Because I’m an adult.

And no, you cannot flip out on your kids at the ages of 4 and nearly 2. You look like a complete asshole, first, because the kids don’t fully fathom the rage and the cause. You only scare them, you don’t teach them. And it’s much much much more frustrating than you’d think it may be to tell a kid for the 5th time who knows what you’re saying to put.
on.
the.
monkey.
underwear. Then they cry, and it’s like…

“Why are YOU crying? You did this to yourself! 5 times I’ve asked you to put your monkey underbips on and you keep trying to put your bobo on the gorilla pillow! Put your monkey underpants on, don’t put your business on the monkey!”

As adults, we’re supposed to be in control of things. I’m not. I control very little. I control myself, usually (except I’m a bit of a choc-o-holic, GUILTY!), but sometimes I just have to ask somebody at a grocery store “What’s going on here?” I know what’s going on. They are blind to anything else around them, dead-stopped in the aisle, looking at their phone. I promise you, ma’am, you are NOT about to get a prescient message that has the PowerBall numbers. I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control whether or not I tell somebody their head is in their ass.

So here’s what I did the other night.
I wrote a note to my wife and left it up on the monitor for her to see in the morning.
This is what it read:

I have a great marriage to a man who loves me and works hard to provide for our family. He doesn’t gamble or drink or tattoo or buy cars and shit we don’t need.
I have 2 great sons who are young and sometimes they are just little kids who don’t know any better while trying to be funny.
I get tired and that’s OK
My house is a house, not a hut, not on fire, and not a pit in a shitty jungle.
I woke up today healthy. This is a good start.
My sons woke up today healthy and with food in their house. This is a good start.
My sons have two parents who love them even if my sons don’t know it yet.
We will be in a new, better-sized house soon and we’ll do it the right way so that we don’t destroy our family financially.
I am a great mom and wife who does what she can to make every day matter to my family.
For all of these things, I am grateful.

Here’s what I did NOT do, after she made her statement of frustration and walked away with my glass of water while I worked on my presentation…

“Hey hon? Hon?
Could I get that water back?”

September 18, 2013 0

Leading By Bad Example

Years ago now, when I lived in Culver City which is not Los Angeles and shouldn’t be considered as such, I worked at a Casting Services studio for a short stint. Very cool slice of entertainment, it was a multi-room casting studio that ran auditions for commercials both small and Majorly McMajor Light. Every now and then there’d be a call for a photo shoot, models… I mean, like… MAAHDULLLZ… would be in there and holy crap, there’s a different level of genetic co-mingling than what most of the world has ever seen and it’s all within a 1-hour drive of Santa Monica, CA.

I wasn’t particularly well-trained for the technical side of the studio. There were a few things I could do, but for the most part what I found was that I didn’t have the time on the system-in-use to really jockey it into position when needed. And I wanted to know that stuff because it makes ya look like a rock star when your boss needs a salad and you deliver a rolling buffet. On this particular day I may have pulled together a fruit leather-like effort. Mostly because, like I said, I was poorly prepared.

That day I was asked to consolidate 3 auditions from 3 actors from 3 sessions of 3 products. Which means they were in different files on the computers, IF the sessions had all been sent to the common server. That shouldn’t be difficult, because I know how to file and name and organize documents and resources in a technical format for logical recall and search purposes. But sweet chocolate Moses, these were spread out ever’where.

And of COURSE there’s a deadline in an hour. And of COURSE the person who wants it gave very little direction as to where it was to be delivered. And naturally, this is for 2 of the biggest accounts the casting director (who heavily influences the client/advertiser) handles. So yeah, there’s some sweat, but as I sat down I was like HELLS YEAH LET’S FIND THESE PEOPLE AND THESE BACKFLIPS AND ACTING LIKE DRINKING A BEER ON A SNOWMOBILE IS SECOND NATURE… and hand this to them at The Ivy in 72min.

No. Fucking. Chance. Impossible. The program I was using was capable of doing that. I wasn’t able to wrangle it to do so, however. I called everybody I could. The guys who created the system (who later I worked for and they are the coolest guys and I hope they stay on their up-trend, because those guys are on the casting frontier), not available as they were probably supporting another client. The guy who normally ran tech, unavailable, possibly stoned or in urgent care at that time, not very healthy for a 22 year-old. The other in-studio experts, all unavailable and off-site doing other stuff. So I’m on a deflating raft and bailing water with one hand and rowing towards shore with the other.

And here’s what didn’t help that day. One person in particular who had absolutely nothing better to do than run in and out of the studio I was in, asking “IS IT DONE? IS IT DONE? COME ON MAN, THIS IS IMPORTANT!” No. No. I know. If you’re not adding, you’re a subtraction.

I remember thinking how little I respected that guy that day. He was the Manager, and he did not have to save my ass, but what he missed was this crucial point to performing under pressure: Had he made the urgent call to get the issue handled by somebody who really knew what was going on, not only would the job get done… HE’D BE DOING HIS JOB AS WELL AS MAKING HIS BOSS LOOK LIKE A PROFESSIONAL.

Instead he took almost a bit of joy in watching me sweat through my shirt while coming in every 7minutes to complain and moan for the completion of the task. Eventually one of the real experts came by for a free beer in the comp’ny fridge and popped in to take over. Turns out one of the files wasn’t loaded to the server so I couldn’t find it anyway. And another session I needed was misnamed so it took him another 15min to find it.

It ain’t like I was SEAL-ing a mission and saving lives, I was just trying to make sure 3 actors got another look for a break in a commercial for processed cheese. But I learned that if you’re gonna lead, there are some things that are so important you just have to do them yourself. You can teach while you do it, but if you can’t teach while you do it, you can’t scold the student for not knowing more than the teacher.

Plus, that guy was an asshole.

February 25, 2013 0

The Ray/Lee Files VIII: IT’S NOT A COINCIDENCE

In the past at my first blog “What You Are Laughing At” I had begun to chronicle the criminal histories of people, usually men, with the middle names of RAY or LEE. We know many of their middle names due to the media making DAMN sure they identify the correct person, and not ruin the life of some poor John Gacy; Competitive Candy Artist.

For your consideration:

“The 55-year-old Renee Ray Curtiss will be sentenced April 24 in for the 1978 killing of Joseph Tarricone at a home near Puyallup.”

“Lonnie Lee Johnson was freed Monday after spending more than 1 1/2 years behind bars. He was accused of stabbing to death Jessie Drungo, 23, in a Kent parking lot during a scuffle that may have had racial overtones.”

“King County prosecutors expect to file a murder charge by Thursday against Deon Lee Fillmore, 21, said spokesman Dan Donohoe. Meanwhile, a judge has ordered Fillmore held in King County Jail on $1 million bail.”

Still not on board…
Okay S-finger…

Moving on…
I’m not sure if it’s the brevity of the name, or perhaps the fact that people with those names may very well have been named and raised by mono-syllabic-preferring parent(s)… but more than any other middle names in society I would bet a Coors Light Dirty 30 on Lee or Ray being more correlated to violent crimes than any other two names.

Let’s not forget the Arizona freakshow shooter, Jared Lee Loughner.

And it’s happened again.

This nightmare ended today with the safe return of a kidnapped 5 year-old boy. He was kidnapped off a schoolbus last week in Alabama by a gun-wielding psycho…
“He is doing fine,” Richardson told reporters at a late-night news conference. “He’s laughing, joking, playing, eating.”

Dale County Sheriff Wally Olson had no new details about Ethan’s rescue, and when asked if the boy saw his abductor, 65-year-old Jimmy Lee Dykes, killed during the rescue operation, Olson replied, “He’s a very special child. He’s been through a lot, he’s endured a lot.”
Crazy dude with a gun and anti-government views. Nut with a gun threatening children’s lives, HE HAD RUN HIS COURSE AND ARRANGED A VERY EXPENSIVE SUICIDE.

Next up, the story of Chris Kyle’s death, one of the most-decorated snipers in US Military history. (from Yahoo.com’s The Lookout)
“I would love for people to be able to think of me as a guy who stood up for what he believed in and helped make a difference for the vets,” he told the Texan News Service. “You know, somebody who cared so much about them that he wanted them taken care of.”

That mission was tragically cut short on Saturday when Kyle and another man were killed at a gun range in Central Texas. Police said former Marine Eddie Ray Routh, 25, shot the men, who reportedly were spending the day with Routh in an effort to help with his post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).”

Two sad stories, one with a happy ending.
So if you know anybody with the middle name of Ray or Lee, just do the right thing and call the cops on ’em.

February 4, 2013 4

Strideline Socks Are The Real

During Sunday’s Seahawks-Falcons tilt, Marshawn Lynch was busting through Falcs in a pair of these boss footjackets. Footjackets are what I call “socks.”

Strideline was started by a couple o’ youngsters in the Seattle area, bringing major city skylines to our anklecoats. Anklecoats are what I call “footjackets.” The one city they don’t really skyline is Los Angeles, because it doesn’t have a skyline because it’s full of smog and the world’s finest narcissism and weirdos and bad drivers and a horrible mayor and asynchronous traffic signals.

I’m all-in with these dudes. I don’t see a decent pair of Dawgsox yet (Purple and Gold) but I’m buying some pairs and wearing them to the gym in my work’em-outs.

Get what you gotta get NOW before the NBA steals this idea and gets their asses sued.

January 15, 2013 0

Comment Please

It’s a basic human right that if you have the ability to express yourself, you should be able to express yourself without fear of tyrannical, violent downforce, be it Governmental, Societal, or Cee-Lo. For real, tho. However, a growing number of people in society have confused “Right To Speak” with “Cannot Be Judged,” and “Should Not Be Reprimanded Whatsoever.” These people are either immature, overly-self-empowered, or a high-functioning mentally handicapped (MH) person. Many of them are probably still in High School, or (insert enemy political party here).

If you want to see what our society really feels, just go to any news story online that allows comments, make sure the story is about politics or has a person of an ethnicity that isn’t WASPy, and have a field day. Stopping short of using the “N-word” doesn’t show a person is intelligent and well-mannered; it only shows they WANNA USE IT, but aren’t sure if anybody’s got their back. In the previous paragraph I held back from saying “Retard” because that does offend some people, although I think you can call other people “retarded” if you have a diagnosed (and somewhat obvious) form of what was once referred to as “retardation.” I would say it’s funnier for a MH to call somebody a “retard,” though not as call as when Daquan calls you “his N-word.” If he called you his “retard,” that’s a bit much, unless Daquan himself is MH’ed, then he’s probably racist.

So when those comments are posted, or the comments people post on that Instagram picture of your first attempt at rose water-infused, gluten-free competitive cheesecake, make you feel like, golly, you could just rip the fucker’s face off and powershit into their now-lipless mouth-hole, WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Call ’em out. Fight back a little and defend yourself. Don’t get defensive, just state your case. Let their names be known, if you can. Anonymity is the One Ring That Binds internet comment trolls.
Ignore it. Lots of trolls out there, who are just trying to start crap and truly have nothing better to do than try and start internet fights. They breathe in life from making a point of taking time to crap on whatever they can find to crap on. They have very little originality to offer. It happens, shrug it off.
Go all-out and get in the fray. Fire off every word you can think of for every negative comment and let people know you are NOT messing around on your comments section.
Pick Your Battles. Not everything is worth going to the mat for. Know what’s off-limits, and let people know, and if they don’t censor themselves, see #3. Remember the first person to use CAPS LOCK in their reply, loses.

Instead of shrugging off everything, mix it up. Keep people guessing. Ignoring stuff is the ultimate self-empowerment. Some folks, however, do it in real life and that’s inexcusable. I’ll address how to handle public judgment of others in a future post. Save yourself the hassle and just buy a boat horn right now, though.

Just remember… fighting on the internet is like being in the Special Olympics…
Find me on Twitter; @glottrules

http://www.geofflottrules.com

November 1, 2012 1

Asleep At The Real

Sleep is a fickle lover, idn’t it?

If I were to be embraced by sleep nightly, welcomed into her arms and pulled deep into her embrace, for her to put forth all the effort to make me feel safe and refreshed, eventually I would need less. And when she decides what I feel about her she makes up her mind without consulting me on my feelings.

She whispers into the ears of my wife “he’s with me…” and my wife may get jealous. Because her Sleep isn’t infusing her with rejuvenation. He eludes her. He brushes past her with a wink.

He teases her. He approaches her and tells her to relax, only to step away, returning well after a normal sleeping hour has passed. He exhausts her. While she waits, I slumber lightly.

So little sleep is causing so many other issues. Advice comes and goes. Insomnia, well, that’s a hard one to shake off.

And if nobody’s feeling rested, everything else blooooows ass.

June 14, 2012 0

Is Consulting For You?

Consulting is nothing new to business. It’s been happening since the first caveman asked a buddy to figure out how they could get more speed on their spear-throws. They had different words for “spear” and “buddy,” of course, which we now call “product” and “peer.” So the path has been well-worn for at least 50 years. Are you thinking about walking it?

I first left a major company after realizing there was literally nowhere for my career to go. That was after seven years of skill development, great benefits, moderate pay increases, and being taken-over by a competitor. I had some skills that might keep me working there, for a bit more money, but it was up to me to get out and look for something better. Why? Because I had debt, of course! But honestly, hey, we’re working people. We are hunters, hence the “job hunt.” Hey, that’s why I’m here. Let me show you how to get more distance on that resumé, buddy.

But first, I will tell you this: It’s okay to be freaked out by looking for a new job. Instability happens, especially in competitive industries such as Mobile Telecom and Pretty Much Every Business. You don’t own your job, your desk, or your “space” until you do something that is so incredibly invaluable for the company that they wouldn’t think of letting you go. Don’t worry, it’s just The Truth of the workplace these days. Own your career, if not your desk-space. Here are a few reasons to go into Consulting and Contract work.

Playing The Odds:
Not too long ago I was in a panel interview at a wireless telecom giant, and the manager mentioned that his department (IT Planning) was around 60-70% contracted workers. You have a better chance getting placed via contract/consulting work than going through the normal methods of applying to a job via the company website. Eventually I got past my emotional attachment to the color of my badge and designation as either Full Time or Contract. I quit hinging the worth of my employment on whether or not I got to attend off-site rallies with full-timers. I got to the point where finishing work well and on-time was more important than sitting in on a 90minute catered lunch with a guest speaker. WORK TO DO. DO WORK. Get working, serve your project, deliver with style, get paid. You’re among friends.

Attitude Count$:
“Serve the Project.” I have worked with a lot of Full-Timers (FT’ers) who stand on either side of the “Innovation” fence. That is, one particular program manager I worked for was so sharp, affable, personable, and driven that we both knew his position was a step towards a much larger body of work outside the company. Also, I have sat in meetings where work is piling up and instead of assessing the approach and handling of the pile, the FT’ers leaned back and said “Oh well, I’m on vacation in 2 weeks anyway.” As a consultant my main task is doing a good job for the client; meeting and exceeding their expectations. I’m still competitive enough and have enough pride to wanna kick ass. Even if I’m not leaping out of bed every day to gather requirements like so many daffodils, flitting about the office to facilitate Change Management, and cheering up every soul regardless of their badge color, I’m there to serve the project’s needs and be paid well for it. So I do that, happily.

The Wide Walk Of Work:
So you have Analyst and Project Leadership experience? Great. In Healthcare? Awesome. And you think the only positions you can handle are in Healthcare? Not necessarily. First, embrace your niche. Healthcare is going to be HUUUUUUUUUGE in the next 20 years. Bet on it. If you can see trends in technology and how they’ll mesh with your industry’s growth you are well-ahead of most folks. Second, can you see how your experience would feed other industries? Fresh minds are needed for any industry’s growth, or at least, stability. Your transition from Healthcare experience to Mobile Computing may take a while, but really it breaks down to X’s and O’s; your skill + new terminology + credibility building = HIRED! Don’t limit yourself to only your industry of experience. I found myself in a food service company after years in wireless technology, and loved it!

Duration Variance:
You may be on a project for 2 years. More than likely it will be less than 12 months. I had a 5 month contract shortened to 2 because the department’s delivery strategy shifted. It happens. This is where being a full-timer to your company counts, and having saved that money beforehand comes in handy. Hopefully you have a bench to work from and get paid while honing a few skills before the next job. But if you’re somebody who likes to see things come together, launch, and repeat a few times… then you get a little antsy… this is a good road to walk.

Finances:
You often are making a greater hourly rate in contracting than you were as a FT’er. Why? Because you, or your firm, is charging more and it filters out a few more things like taxes. Oh, and the company you’re at isn’t investing in your 401k or Stock Options, so you make it up in cash. Never sell yourself short, and if you’re not ready to negotiate, go buy a book on negotiating. Money is a trade for your service. Try paying your mortgage with beers your pals owe you.

If you’re Independent, always get the contract in writing, and have an “early end” clause. For example, if you sign on for 8 months at $7K/month, include a clause that says “For every week less than 32 weeks the Consultant’s services are not needed, client will be paid ½ a standard week’s pay in a single payment.” This keeps you working at your full rate for the agreed-upon time, and if not, at least you’re not totally out the pay you could have been getting from the client or elsewhere. If they balk, offer to lower it to 1/3^rd, but don’t empty your pockets for the sake of courtesy. You’d rather be getting paid and helping out than pounding the keyboard and interviewing for work.

And save, save, save all you can, enough for about 3 months of expenses in case you find yourself on an unexpected vacation.

Socialize:
Social interwebbing is vital to your job search. From LinkedIn to FaceBook to Twitter, everything you put out there represents you, either as a person or a potential candidate. What does your online presence say about you? Are your strengths and experiences evident? If you aren’t savvy in it yet, well, I just Googled “job search and social media” and got over 200,000,000 results. I’ll let you know what I find in there. Get using technology as a means to an end; it’s not just what you’re working on, it’s working on you, too.

Consulting work and Contract work are going to be prevalent for quite a while. I doubt the forming of a Union to protect our interests, but if you are wondering who those people are that show up one day and start ruffling feathers, arranging work schedules, and presenting project plans… then are out before the holidays… that’s us. That’s me. We’re here to help that spear bring down bigger game. Good hunting.

April 24, 2012 0

Tag: Critical Dad