The Gig Files – No Mic

If y’all like this post, let me know in the comments or the LIKES! or send me a basket of gluten-free brownies shaped like Jessica Biel or Diane Lane (whatever your local bakery will do for you based on their politics). “The Gig Files” will be recaps of shows I recently did from the perspective of the performer. Yelp seems to be a sounding board for everybody’s gripes and very few KUDOS! which is too bad. Then again, I think people want to complain, and a bad dining/entertainment/hash oil-making-via-Groupon experience seems to resonate more than a great one. I’ve had so many dine-outs that could have been ruined because of something small that I just brush it off now. Same thing with gigs; it’s been a while since I had 3 in a row like these…

NO MIC
Saturday night show, crappy sportsbar/roadhouse about an hour North of Seattle. I’ve done 8 shows there and I’ve been happy with 4 of them. 2 were complete failures (back when I was about a year into comedy), 2 were “meh,” and this particular gig I actually rate under the Happy-Withs.

I brought a newer comic along as an opener, dude’s very funny, and is much more slowly-paced than I am. That’s good because I won’t have to really go all-out to get the crowd to pay attention. The bar holds about 80 people, speakers way up in the rafters, and you have to be eating the mic to be heard. I have no idea what the transfer rate of lip-herpes via shared mics is among comedians, but it’s gotta be higher than, say, motivational speakers.

15minutes into my 45minute set, the mic stops working. Cuts out. Dead. I wiggle the cable a bit, it comes back. Then blacks out. Then it’s back. 2minutes later it dies again. Staff kinda works on it, but then it dies again. Dead. Done. DOS(tage). And then they tell me, “Sorry. It did that the last couple shows, too.” Oh, okay then. Happy I’m not the WHAT?

So I shouted the rest of my set into the air. And it was work. I felt like I had to project even more, and subtlety was out the window without being able to whisper.

And it was in those 30-something, unplugged minutes I really felt like, hey, I’m gonna make this a great show for the people who are here. Nobody left, and it wasn’t THEIR fault the mic cut out, so it won’t be MY fault if the show sucks. I was friggin’ exhausted afterwards. It went fine. But honestly, that kinda sucked.

April 21, 2015 0

A 4 Year-Old Asks of Love

There was a recent uproar in the world of ignorance when ESPN, the world-wide leader in Deification & OverDramatizing the Lives of Athletes, briefly broadcast 2 adult men kissing… ON THE MOUTH. In the post-Janet Jackson’s-boob-world!!!

It was a moment in the lives of Michael Sam and his boyfriend, Vito Cammisano. Sam is the first openly-gay collegiate football player, from the University of Missouri, and was the Defensive Player of the Year in the SouthEastern Conference. When Sam was drafted by the St. Louis Rams in the 7th round of the NFL Draft, cameras captured the moment/announcement/phone call from the Rams on TV. In their excitement and happiness, Sam and Cammisano kissed… ON THE MOUTH.

Source: Deadspin.com

And my oldest son, who is 4.75 years old, happened to see it. As did I. It raised my eyebrow, because I immediately wondered how much of an issue this non-issue would become in social media, and then later, the starved-for-content Media. And knowing my son’s inquisitive nature – he once woke up with the question “Where do we go before we’re born?” – I expected him to ask me something about the ON THE MOUTH kiss he just witnessed between two men. My family is very affectionate; we are huggers, squeezers, cuddlers, snugglers, pinchers, and kissers with those whom are comfortable with it. But among the men, we don’t kiss. So I expected a tough question…

So he turns to me and asks, “Dadda, why did those two boys kiss each other?”

And here’s what I said, after my years of living with relationships, learning from loving, and understanding what there is to understand about People and Love…

“Well buddy, those boys love each other.”

And he asks, “Do boys love each other like you and mommy?”

And I can’t extrapolate genetic predisposition or evolutionary precursors of attraction based on brain chemistry and/or the shape of a woman’s hips as a signal of fertility and loin-revving physicality, so in a moment if divine inspiration and minor panic, I told my son this…
“Love is who you like the most.
Most boys like girls. And most girls like boys.
Some boys like boys. And some girls like girls.
But, just be nice to everybody no matter who they like, and be extra nice to who you like.
And if somebody’s not nice to you, then stay away from them.”

He turns to me and says, “Oh! OK,” and then he paused to work this out in his head. Then he gets a big smile on his face and he says... “Well I really like that girl Maggie in my class, she is good at coloring and smells like pancakes.”

And I said “Well that’s great, she tries hard at art, and pancakes are always good. So be nice to everybody, ok?”

“Okay,” he said. “Sometimes it’s hard, but I try to be nice to everybody.”

And I was happy and proud to hear that.
But then he asked me a question I couldn’t answer. He was loading up with a question that even the deepest of thinkers, the most romantic of romancers, those with far more hues than 50 Shades of Grey and people with remixes of Song of Songs could find an answer for in the 271+ years of human history. A question so heavy that sinkhole opened in my brain. My son, not yet 5, asked me…

“So… when do girls start being nice?”

I’d like to address the pre-birth location question now.

June 20, 2014 2

I feel like there’s an innate ability to parent a child under the age of 1, basic care and feeding. Most people who have a baby can do that, unless they are warped in some way. Most of it is a game of getting the kid on a schedule of sleeping, eating, and playing so they develop eyesight, body control, and communication skills. Also, you can’t leave them alone with a gun or a violent-breed dog, which are about the same thing in cultures that see either a gun or a pit bull as a status symbol above having a child. Anybody can have a baby, but it takes about a week and a couple hundred dollars to get a gun or a pit bull. I’m not saying I’m doing all of this perfectly, but I’m sure as shit not letting people I know, and people you know, get away with being or raising narcissists.

Anyway… After the kid’s 1 they need boundaries. Not just a boundary of a baby-gate to keep them from barrel-rolling down the basement staircase. Nor a leash to keep them in peripheral view while Parent does some on-line gaming. No, I mean intellectual & behavioral boundaries. In other words, working to help the child understand why NO is not a bad thing. I have seen up-close the effect of no “No,” in people my age (sociopaths) and children (theirs and others), and it is about as unnerving as watching a pit bull gnaw at a loaded Glock .40cal.

The first thing I noticed was a person’s whining. For the adults it was usually an issue in a restaurant where they equated a missing item on the menu with a personal attack. A guy I grew up with pulled this a few times, and the second time he did, I saw what he was doing… because he’s a cheap asshole who plays this game, and doesn’t realize he’s the flat tire on the fun bus. Here’s the ploy:

1) Ask to modify a menu item by complicating the order (The cheeseburger, but with swiss instead of cheddar and an onion roll instead of regular and no pickles and medium-well).

2) Keep talking while the server tries to read it back, to confuse the server or muddle the communication.

3) Fries on the side, not on the plate.

4) Act like it’s no big deal and be just oh-so-sweet about it.

So, by telling this server to greatly change a simple thing, they set the entire chain up for failure. And usually it’s a break at how the meat was cooked. The average person doesn’t know Medium-well from Medium, but this fuckpuddle would always eat half the burger then send it back for being under- or over-done, and ta-daaa!

We all have to wait while they make a new burger for this dick, and he gets his for free as an apology for upsetting a grown man over the hue of the center of his meat patty. The heavens nearly crumbled…

As a child he got what he wanted by whining, because his parents had 4 other kids, and his whining was quickly shut-down/rewarded with the cookie, the toy, the shoes, the extra hour of TV, the 17”-rims on the new truck, and eventually the family landscaping business which he plowed into the ground after 4 months and zero work. Whining isn’t in his DNA (his brothers and sisters are talented, fun, hard-working people) but it is hardwired in at this point. He’s now divorced and bankrupt and it’s his parent’s fault for not helping him out of these jams, of course.

The last time I saw him he started to pull the prank, I told our server, “He’s fine, don’t listen to him, he’s just joking.” He got pissed at me and sat quietly staring at SportsCenter while the other 4 of us laughed and drank. That’s right…

HE POUTED LIKE A LITTLE KID. Later he told another friend I was a dick. Behind my back. Good.

Now, a friend’s kid is a spoiled little brat if ever I’ve seen one. As an only child, he is treated like THE only child. His deal is that if he’s told “No” he reverts to pouting (he’s almost 6) and whiiiines and starts to fake-cry. His parents let it roll for about 3min while the kid stews in his own stink and then eventually, while the kid is still in pout mode, his parents say “Ok, you can have this now.”

So the kid hasn’t detached Pouting from Reward. Maybe his mom & dad think they have instilled a clean break between the whining and the lesson, but all they’ve shown the kid is, “Hey, hang on to being rude and withdrawn and eventually you’ll get what you want. You don’t have to apologize or ask nicely. Just be stubborn.”

I know this because I’ve seen it happen a few times. One time he tried to take a toy from another kid, and I said “No, you have to ask nicely if you can play with the Ninja Monster PitBull Cannon.”

Then he cries and says he hates me, which I find a way to overcome. Then he sits right there and turns away and cries loudly, as if his fingernails were being chewed off by a bullet-powered Rottweiler. Because of a “no,” and a reminder to mind our manners.

His dad swoops in, lest his child be scarred for life with such harsh discipline! After explaining to his dad what happened, his dad does the fatherly thing…

And asks the kid with the Ninja Cannon if his kid could play with it. Well of course the kid’s gonna give it up because a grown-up just asked him to. So not only did his dad miss the teachable moment, he killed the kid’s chance to build manners and a bridge to another kid. Double Middle Fingers, folks. But hey, at least his son quit crying, pouting, whining, or moving on towards growth. Yay.

It’s not easy to have your own boundaries, but it’s a basic need for most of us to keep our sanity. And it starts early. If we’re always told “No,” then we don’t think we’re worth anything and deserve nothing. If we’re never told “No” we don’t understand that some things must be earned, asked-for, or are just off-limits until further notice and some sweet talking and probably a bottle of wine.

But if somebody brings a loaded gun or chain-jerking pit bull into a Farmer’s Market, and nobody says “Hey, come on… This could get ugly, and it’s better safe than sorry,” and something terrible happens then either we have no market for these dipshits to come to, or we have boundaries that say “You have to stop here. There are very sensitive people within.”

June 10, 2014 0

You Big Dopamine – Motivation, Neurology, And Execution

There is a root cause of every problem, but we don’t always know something is a “problem,” and often think whatever “is” just “is.” Like having 11 toes, that extra piggy isn’t a bother until shoes don’t fit right or somebody says “Hey, what’s THAT?” In trying to find out the Why of things in Life, I highly recommend a little RCA, or “Root Cause Analysis.” That’s the cause, not the symptom. If your carpet is wet every morning and you dry it out every night, you don’t need a carpet that dries itself (symptom), you need to stop taking Ambien and urinating in the family room (root).

I found this article about what Dopamine is, what it does, and how to start harnessing it for your own good. You don’t have to be ADD’ed to benefit from the news here, as Dopamine comes into play in many ways in our daily living and “GSD” (gettin’ shit done).

HOW TO HARNESS YOUR BRAIN’S DOPAMINE SUPPLY AND INCREASE MOTIVATION

A major issue with ADD (which I am writing to include ADHD) is the lack of dopamine or the ability to process it properly in the brain. Dopamine is the “outcome predictive” chemical. It is also the “pleasure bath” your brain is submersed into when you accomplish something. So it’s feeding your brain a signal that “Something we like can be had if we do XYZ, even if it’s a moment of saving our own ass when the cops show up.” (or whatever you do on Thursdays) This also plays into our metabolism, sleep, and interpersonal relationships. Take Dopamine down, or out, and you’re gonna be a crank.

“Increased dopamine in the nucleus accumbens signals feedback for predicting rewards. Your brain recognizes that something important—good or bad—is about to happen, thus triggering motivation to do something.”

I always research anything I think is going poorly, can be enhanced, or needs to be down-regulated, even if it’s my behavior, my kid’s behavior, or my friend’s use of the phrase “a whole ‘nother” because ” ‘nother” isn’t a word.

I have supplemented with NOW Foods DOPA Mucuna and Tyrosine, 2 natural dopamine precursors. The former provides a very easy focus and mental ecosystem of being motivated and process-oriented. The latter is a little more “tightly focused” without the kind of chilled-out feeling DOPA gives you.

I’m not a doctor, but I do advocate for my own well-being at all times. I’ll soon post a note about how I had to close a treatment-gap I had with an endocrinologist, one where the two options he gave me were so far apart you could almost fit his desire for a bigger boat in between them.

Thanks for readin’, sorry this isn’t too funny…

May 19, 2014 0

My Smartest Joke Of All Time?

My humor really comes from a few layers under the “joke,” finding wit and layer under the window dressing. Sometimes it’s mean, sometimes it’s really lame, sometimes nobody gets it.

But this may be the smartest joke I’ve ever written.

“And as Pheidippedes last few breaths came and went, he uttered to his Athenian brethren;
Let history resound my love for Greece on every new moon, with 18 consecutive hours of reality television programs!’ “

In other words, we use the word Marathon quite liberally in the American language (I don’t want to offend the English). We misuse a LOT of words for slang and what-not, but sometimes, were you to put yourself in the place of the person who invented or is afflicted by a word used for marketing or humor, hey, maybe not so funny.

Another example;
If I were an addict, I think I would take great offense to somebody tagging their peccadillo with “-aholic.” Like a “shop-aholic” or a “chocoholic.” Because alcoholics struggle to control the signals in their brains and thoughts on a moment-to-moment basis so they can keep their lives together, and that shouldn’t be taken too lightly. Unless of course you tried to rationalize that time you blew your friend’s step-dad for a bag of miniature candy-bars, of course, OK, you ARE a Chocoholic! Now THAT is a Hershey’s Kiss. You need to get to a meeting and stop Looking For Mr. Goodbar.”

So anyway, don’t accept lame comedy. You’re better than that.

February 17, 2014 0

20 by 40 part 3 – Stagnation Motivation

Wellllll… crap.

I have totally stagnated in my weightloss efforts. 2 weeks with nary a budge on the scale. Dropped a total of 6.5 for the month of November. ThanksGiving didn’t help, though I didn’t partake in too many pies. The first 5 came off quickly in a week, so I’ll recount what I did there and see if I can replicate it for future success.

Water! I drank more during the day before I got home after work. Probably 32oz more than normal.
Sleep! At one point I slept 21 hours over 3 nights, which is good for me. One night was a deep 7.5, then an 8, and horrible 5.5 due to the hacking chest-cough of my oldest boy. But after that night, I was still feeling pretty rested, and I don’t fault him for the hack. I also didn’t stress out about not getting to the gym that morning. I wouldn’t have had a good workout and probably would’ve taxed myself even further, driving cortisol up and stressing myself out.
30g in 30min! I first read about this in a Tim Ferriss book, 4 Hour Body, I think… something like that… ANYwho, it’s a principle of consuming 30g of protein within 30min of waking. I did that pretty much every day for a week. It is geared at getting your body into a metabolic surge w/out spiking insulin (and thus, no crash & scavenging to curb cravings), and keeping things in check. This seemed to help a lot, plus I usually undereat during the day by about 500cal below the range of where I “should” be to drop fat. So my bod could use the extra calories in a good way. Just a 30g scoop of protein powder in a shaker cup, chugged it, get on with the day.
HIIT The Gym! I started every workout for 2 weeks with a short, intense cardio session of intervals. At least 8, 20sec sprint intervals on an elliptical machine. I crank the level up to where my legs feel like they are in cement, then drop it down to whatever level feels like I’m nearly floating. Then some lifting, and usually in supersets.
Sugar Out! I didn’t “cut carbs” per se, but I surely didn’t indulge in a lot of sweets. I don’t really eat bread or pasta, but I looooove chocolate. I don’t go for dessert unless it has a cocoa component. I shrug it off. So I didn’t buy anything chocolate or eat any secret brownies in the first couple weeks. Seemed to do the trick. There was 1 night where I caved and did serious adult-themed things to a Marie Callendar’s single-serve Chocolate Satin Pie, but was back to the gym in the morning.

Bummed but not broken. I’ll have to keep it tight in the food world and be conscious of my intake and blah blah blah.

December 4, 2013 1

The Time I Met Adam Carolla

A few years ago, about 3+ now, I met Adam Carolla at Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland, WA. As a comedian and near deviant in my early 20’s, the work of Adam and Dr. Drew on “LoveLine” was a life-saver. Not only that, Adam’s humor and sensibilities match, and often surpass, my own. When I heard he was coming to my home club I immediately did everything I could to help facilitate the evening. And naturally I didn’t want to act like a total dumbass because Adam’s like the older brother a lot of us wish we had or needed.

Fast-forward to a few things Adam has said about his life and that night in particular.

1) Adam’s wife once told him, paraphrasing, that he has a way of “Bringing out the idiot in people,” I heard this years after the night I’m writing about, but it rang true that night. As part of Adam’s weekend, he was going to jaunt across the parking lot from the club to a bar called the Liquid Lime, wherein he’d sign autographs, take photos, and then try to beat it back to the club a mere 70 yards away. Instead of walking out the front door, or walking all the way from the club to the Lime via the backdoor, I was asked to drive Adam and Mike August, his road manager, over in somebody else’s 1990 Camry. So I did.
Cut to IDIOT TIME.
I gotta get Adam back to the club so we all head out the car which is parked right in the front of the Lime. I’m 8 steps ahead of them so I can unlock the car, open doors, and get back around the comedy club and drop ’em off. First I need to unlock the…
I need to unlock the Camry… Stupid button… What the… Unlock the …
I pushed the button, held the button, etc for about 10 seconds which is an eternity in the world of Adam’s Efficiency Sphere. At which point I hear what equates to “Nevermind, dumbass, I’ll walk.” It was actually “Hey, I’ll just walk.” The Idiot had been brought out. And I don’t think Adam’s being an asshole at this point, it’s just embarrassing and he’s just a guy who would rather not deal with speedbumps, and it ain’t personal.

So I manually unlock the car, alarm goes off, we get in hastily and I hit the button to unlock it and stop the alarm.
The alarm stops, I start it up and we go.

As we enter the back of the club I hand the keys back to the owner of the Camry, a guy who’d been hired as “Security” for the night. Nice enough guy. I say “Your unlock ain’t workin’,” and he goes, “Oh yeah, I heard the alarm! HA HA HA I should’ve told you it was broken.” Yeah. You should’ve.

2) Adam has referred to this particular weekend as a gauntlet, which went from I think 4 shows to a whopping 9 shows over 3 nights. He’s just so damn popular people wanna get close to him, and Laughs was exactly the spot to get close. Adam’s a worker, a do-er, and this was a weekend that put everything else I’ve done to shame. 9 shows, 90min at a go, on-stage alone. Fuggin’ amazing. Since then he’s only done bigger venues and fewer shows for more money, deservedly-so. It’s a great model to follow; if you can get to the same audience with less repetition, you’re not working harder, you’re working smarter. And less. And that’s good. No need to burn out making people laugh. Truly a hard working entertainer and philosoteur.

They say “Never meet your heroes,” because the shine’ll come off the bust. Not true. Adam’s a dude doing what he does, and great at it. I haven’t hit the Bucket List item with Adam, which is getting invited to Jimmy Kimmel’s Football Sundays and catch a Mangria buzz. But until that happens, we’ll always have a fritzed car alarm story.

November 22, 2013 0

Can You Afford To Care Act

Already my family has taken the brunt of the Affordable Care Act’s jet-wash, knocking us off a very good plan and into the spiral of disparate coverages. Now, I can’t prove that the plan we were on 3 months ago was impacted by the machinations of ACA. I won’t call it Obamacare because the irony of “Affordable Care” is much darker to me, so it’s ACA all the way. I can’t prove the impact because I would have to see transcripts of the meetings between my company and the health insurance providers (HSP) we were with, and how our premiums went up $348/month. THEN I’d have to get clearance from the companies my firm talked with about costs and how those costs went up, break down per-person premium bumps, and then I’d start to have some proof. But that’s not as important as the Truth. The Truth is how it impacts Me, or Us, or You, or My Family. And sorry neighbor, that’s all I give an F about.

So, a month ago we were basically forced off our plan as the premiums through my company were to rise on Nov. 1 to the equivalent of a mortgage payment on a good-sized home in a decent neighborhood outside of the Seattle area (overvalued!). And with the holidays coming, we’d rather have the $700 to put elsewhere than into the coffers of the legalized racketeering that is health insurance. I have been the beneficiary and bitch of HSPs in the past, believe me. I’ve been on both sides of it. But as of now, due to the ri$e, I am covered through work, but… MY FAMILY HAS NO COVERAGE RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE!

WHAT? BUT… Every American who wants coverage gets it, right?
Well SURE… If you need to get to a new plan, things change but you get coverage! But first you have to provide certificate of creditable coverage for the previous 24 months. And that takes time. And fill out a 25-35page “health questionnaire” and then fax that in. And that takes time. And there’s the online application. There’s a person who reviews the questionnaire and makes some decisions. All of this takes time before ACA goes officially into effect in January… or is it March?

So right now, instead of paying about $600/month to cover my kids and wife we are sitting on the money and it’s not in the backalley of the local HSP. So if my kid needs a doctor’s office visit and some medicine , probably cost us about $180 out of pocket.

WAIT, dude… That’s… No deductible?

Nope, no deductible. No tax on my cover charge. No proof that I can pay for care after I’ve already payed my premium. It would save us $420/month in this scenario. And the care would be the same. Offices will take money right from you. Did you know that? Isn’t that weird? A service taking payment directly from those they serve? What a world we’re living in.

Of course there’s the trepidation of catastrophe, what if a bone breaks or a clot forms or a hemorrhoid-rages out of control and needs cauterization? Car accidents. Shark flood. Old Testament diarrhea AT THE GROCERY STORE. What then? Who pays? I guess it depends on who decides what your life costs, and you pay them.

Catastrophic insurance, if it exists for you, maybe all we need, and a little cash stash to cover the rest of it. Otherwise, sorry kiddos… Christmas is thin this year, but we’ll stuff your stockings with doctor’s office stickers and sweet magnetic calendars from the HSP stating “Happy & Healthy Is The Best Policy.” Stress kills more than anything else, and it’ll probably kill you by the time you figure out how deep in your colon the HSPs are.

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER

November 19, 2013 1

So I’m like 3 months away from my 40th birthday, and I have a particular goal of dropping 20 el-beez. LB’s. Pounds. Lard Bricks. I wanna drop ’em by the Friday prior to the Super Bowl. I know I can do this, but I’m also stumped about how my droppage seems to have stalled. Admittedly, the past weekend of Halloween and eating like a foraging bear (candy, date night, pizza party and cake for the youngest’s birthday) didn’t help. I put on 3lbs since last Thursday morning. 3. It’s probably retained water and frankly I could feel it and my face looked it. So if my body will store it that easily, it can lose it that easily.

So what’m I gonna do? Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of violent minds meeting great opposition to mediocre dreams ~ Oprah Lincoln. Or whomever said it, people mash-up and misquote so many Faux-tivational quotes these days, even with the internet to validate against. Ridiculous. I have a dream that one day we will not be judged by the choosing of our quotes but by the accuracy of their citation.

So my plan is as follows:

Eat less crap: I need to be strict with my intake. Depending on which expert you ask, nutrition is 80% of the success towards weightloss. Some say 70%. I’ll gun for 76.47% and see where that lands. I can’t afford a “cheat day,” so maybe, MAYBE, one cheat “thing” a week. But not 1 crap-pile a day for 3 days. Come on, dude… Come on…
You can eat like this if you are THE ROCK. Or turn your heart into A ROCK.

It’s hilarious the games we play with ourselves about crap eating. “Oh just a little isn’t gonna be a problem.” Right. Put a cake out at your workplace and sit by it. Nobody will touch it, no matter how many people come by. Now walk around the corner, and hear the woodchipper that is your coworkers scraping the last of the buttercream off the lid. Do right by you, but no games, Geoff.
Eat more boss: My ideal meal is about like this: Roasted salmon with broccoli, Brussels Sprouts, sweet potatoes. And then right to bed. I need to get away from food, and in the house the best place to get away from food is when I’m asleep. So, eat well, then stop eating. I like the Paleo path best, and I rarely eat breakfast. I’m not hungry until about 11:30 anyway, so why force food into my face when I’m usually behind schedule anyway? No, skipping breakfast doesn’t slow down your metabolism when you’re like me, which is “kinda fat.” So shut up.
Lift Some Heavy Shit: No, not my ass off the couch, ha ha, so funny I forgot to laugh. I finally have found the joy of proper squat technique, dumbbell deadlifts, and pushing heavy stuff around. I did circuits for a while and looked good but wasn’t very muscular for a dude walking around over 240. For cardio I like either HIIT on an elliptical, hill sprints, or road raging.
Sleep More: I seriously have to get to bed earlier. 11:17pm ain’t cuttin’ it.
Stop worrying about it: I need to chill out a bit on this. I know what I need to do, so now I just need the consistency of doing it. This isn’t a diet, this is a lifestyle.
Stay Motivated As All Hell: Not sure what I need to get super motivated, like whatever blind self-allegiance Guy Fieri has that keeps him from assessing his life. I need that. Maybe it’s seeing 4 of 6 abs. Maybe it’s being under 12% bodyfat for the first time since kindergarten. Maybe it’s just that I need to prove to myself that I can do this. The ultimate goal is to drop 35lbs by April 2014. Mostly, I need to do this for a better quality of life in a few years as my boys get older. They aren’t going to do LESS in life from here on out.

So I’ll post some stuff here in the “20 by 40” posts about what’s up with my bod and how it’s going. May even get some “BEFORE” and “LATER” pics if I’m feeling froggy. Sorry, this was kinda boring and self-indulgent, got low blood-sugar, gotta find some work cake.

November 5, 2013 1

Pretty Much Paleo Pancakes

1/4tsp Baking Soda

1/4tsp Sea salt (It’s all the rage)

2Tbsp whey protein powder (the more grass-fed/organic/isolated the better), vanilla is best

2 eggs (from the closest thing to “homeless” chickens as possible)

1 pretty ripe banana

1Tbsp Almond or (GASP) Peanut butter

2Tbsp coconut flour

First, get your family far away from you so you can get some head-space and just make some awesome pancakes for them. Usually they just slow down everything you’re doing.
Throw the ‘nana, nut butter, eggs into a bowl and beat ’em til smooth. That’s what I did. You can do it differently but don’t bitch if it sucks.
Sift in the protein powder, give it a couple turns.
Sift in the salt, baking soda, and coconut flour. Turn ’em til smooth. Maybe beat it again to smooth it up.
Smoooooooth. Ya feel me?
Let it sit a bit, get all together.
Heat a pan up to just-past the mid-point on the burner.
Ideally you’re dropping some coconut oil in that hot pan til it melts. Swirl it all around, coat that pan like the back of a Summer fling on a Tahitian beach resort chaaaaaise. Smooth.
Then drop some of that batter in there and PAY ATTENTION! The high-fat content will get the cakes browning up pretty quickly so don’t get yourself in a burned cake mode. Try a test cake, drop like a quarter-sized dollop in there, see how it goes.
Taste test! How’s it? Good!
Now you can do what comes naturally when making cakes. Do it up. Make a few big ones. Make a couple little ones.
Enjoy. Feel the power.

Nutritional Information:

Calories: enough
Fat: good for you and enough
Carbs: just a bit, maybe like 50g total if you eat the whole batch yourself
Fiber: 8g or so
Protein: like 30g or so.

I’m sure a strict Paleotian is preparing a response to this and getting their crossfit shorts in a wad, but please remember:
I’M NOT TRYING TO CHANGE THE WORLD OF PALEO EATING THROUGH ONE RECIPE THAT WORKED OUT WELL FOR ME AND MADE MY KIDS FORGET ABOUT REGULAR PANCAKES. Also, eat sh*t.

Don’t feed the trolls, feed your beast.

November 3, 2013 0

Tag: Geoff Lott